Ted Cruz

The 10 Worst Things Donald Trump Did This Month

December 13, 2016 / by / 0 Comment

It’s been a little more than a month since Donald Trump won the presidential election, so it seems like a good time for our first installment of The Worst Things Donald Trump Did This Month.

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Roger Goodell is dumb. Do not forget that.

Never Forget That Roger Goodell Is a Dumb Human

September 07, 2016 / by / 1 Comment

It has been a relatively quiet off-season for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, in the sense that this summer he failed to make a public spectacle of his own nincompoopery by, say, convening a kangaroo court to suspend one of the league’s most visible stars for a scientifically implausible equipment modification, or by convening that same kangaroo court to investigate something that’s actually bad but repeatedly tripping over his own dick in the process.

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Donald Trump RNC

Let’s Take A Moment To Laugh At Donald Trump

July 21, 2016 / by / 0 Comment

I have to confess that I felt an overwhelming sense of dread heading into the Republican National Convention this week. Not a “Ughhhhh I hate republicans they’re soooooo dumb” dread. A “Somebody’s gonna die” dread.

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Episode 10 of the National Podcast

The National Podcast, Episode 10: Unscrew The Pooch

April 08, 2016 / by , / 0 Comment

We’re 10 episodes in to The National Podcast, and even though the NCAA has a new champion and Rogue One has its first trailer out, neither party has a presidential nominee. 

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Right in his goddamn smug jaw

10 Things I Would Do to Punch Ted Cruz in the Fucking Face

March 01, 2016 / by / 0 Comment

We’ve always been told that if you dream enough about your goals and are willing to make sacrifices, then you can accomplish said goals.

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GOP Candidates As Very Minor Characters in Star Wars

December 17, 2015 / by / 0 Comment

In light of tonight’s release of The Force Awakens, the Internet has been producing unthinkable amounts of content related to the hit series, ranging from Disney-sponsored Spotify playlists to Bill Kristol’s unwanted musings on meritocracy to the inevitable Salon thinkpiece bravely wading through the almost-unanimous excitement about the movie to find something about which to needlessly complain.

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Republican candidates hip hop

If These GOP Presidential Candidates Were Rap Songs of 2015

December 15, 2015 / by / 0 Comment

We determined which hip hop song of 2015 was most applicable to these six Republican presidential candidates because, if we’re being honest, we just really needed something enjoyable to laugh about with these candidates.

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Guaranteed to obliterate you faster than Lindsey Graham's dwindling presidential viability.

The Official 2016 GOP Debate Drinking Game

August 06, 2015 / by , , / 3 Comments

In case pre-gaming the first Republican presidential debate during the 5pm happy hour round kids table isn’t enough, here’s our official 2016 GOP Debate drinking game rules, guaranteed to obliterate you faster than Lindsey Graham’s dwindling presidential viability:

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Scott Walker, Ramsay Bolton

We Couldn’t Help Ourselves: The 2016 Candidates As Game of Thrones Characters

July 25, 2015 / by / 1 Comment

The 2016 presidential election is underway, and you know what that means: editors hastily searching for metaphors to explain the bacchanal of intrigue, money, and women-bashing we’re about to experience. And what better metaphor for the 2016 campaign season than Game of Thrones?

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2016 presidential election candidates

An updated handicapping of the 2016 presidential candidates

April 14, 2015 / by , / 2 Comments

The 2016 presidential field is already as cluttered as the skeletons in John Edwards’ closet. We’re here to help you evaluate the pros and cons of the potential leaders of the free world.

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