The Daily Routines of Famous Football Personalities
Ever wonder what the keys to success are for your favorite athletes? After months of painstaking research, National Ave has uncovered the daily routines of some of the most important personalities in football:
5:00am-7:00am: Stretch before trying to stand up
7:00am-7:30am: Shower, brush teeth, certainly don’t take any unmarked pills
7:30am-7:40am: Briefly scour crossword puzzle to see if “chicken parm” is an answer
7:40am-8:30am: Put on shoes
8:30am-9:00am: Hum Nationwide theme while driving to pick up Budweiser, your favorite beer
9:00am-11:00am: Throw pass, convince yourself you could play one more season for the Rams if they asked nicely.
11:00am-11:30am: Have doctor poke fingers on the off-chance you feel something
11:30am-12:00pm: Make Manning face while impatiently awaiting arrival of Papa John’s order
12:00pm-1:00pm: Eat Papa John’s while extolling the virtues of Papa John’s to anyone who will listen (usually just second-string Broncos quarterback Trevor Siemian)
1:00pm-3:00pm: Watch own game tape, quietly whispering “Don’t open that cellar door” before every sack
4:00pm-5:00pm: Pick son up from school 2 hours late
6:00pm-7:00pm: Anonymously post in online forums asking which Manning brother you would rather have playing for you in the Super Bowl
7:00pm-7:30pm: Explain to family how to dissect a Tampa 2 formation over dinner
7:30pm-9:00pm: See what Al Jazeera’s written today, just out of curiosity
5:30am-6:00am: Wake up cuddling members of Mike & Mike in the morning.
6:00am-7:30am: Early morning mental workout calculating yesterday’s television revenue
8:30am-10:00am: Collude with Robert Kraft for Patriots Super Bowl LII victory
10:00am-11:00am: Get called mean name on Twitter, walk outside to go scowl at puppies.
11:00am-12:00pm: Brainstorm new ways to dick over Cleveland
12:00pm-12:15pm: Gaze. Steelily.
12:15pm-1:15pm: Lunch! Enjoy nice meal of cottage cheese, skim milk, and blood of a partially-aborted lamb fetus
2:00pm-3:00pm: Review the Ray Rice Tape
3:00pm-4:00pm: Review the Ideal Gas Law
4:00pm-5:00pm: Pray to Osiris, the Egyptian god of the dead, for the swift and imminent demise of Paul Tagliabue, Bill Simmons, and the city of St. Louis
5:00pm-6:45pm: Hunt down rogue Fox football robot, prevent him from wreaking gridiron havoc on television screens across America
6:45pm-7:00pm: Finally getting around to shredding 1986 report on brain damage and football.
7:00pm-8:30pm: Dinner with Dan Snyder and Zygi Wilf at Red Chief Saloon.
8:30pm-9:00pm: Drunkenly call up every replacement referee still in phone contacts, huskily ask if they know what illegal use of the hands looks like.
9:00pm-11:00pm: Tinker with roster of fantasy football team, “U Deflated Bro?”
12:00am-12:02am: Wonder if maybe the league should forcefully address safety precautions in–
12:02am-12:30am: Laugh maniacally
12:30am: Listlessly drift asleep in shield-shaped twin bed.
7:00am-7:30am: Wake up, shower, brush teeth with Cortizone cream
7:30am-8:00am: Daily Hooked on Phonics exercises
8:00am-8:30am: Breakfast (typically Cookie Crisp. He likes the doggie on the box)
8:30am-11:00am: Call Jim Nantz and talk about stuff
11:00am-12:00pm: Google new words he learned on the Internet this week (latest searches: “Dab”, “Amber Rose”, “debate”)
12:30pm-2:00pm: Nap time
2:00pm-3:00pm: Drive to the NFL on CBS film room, get lost, turn around, refuse to use his GPS, call Mrs. Simms for help, temporarily forget why he left his house in the first place, start driving home, get sleepy, pull over on the side of the road, get located by the CBS search party, get a ride to CBSSports headquarters
3:00pm-3:02pm: Vending machine! They have mini-Oreos.
3:02pm-6:00pm: Peyton Manning Audible Tape Viewing Party (Terry Bradshaw politely declined his invitation)
6:00pm-6:20pm: Get a ride home from an intern. Another staffer finds Phil’s car on the side of the road and drives it back to the Simms Manor
6:20pm-7:00pm: Dinner. Phil refuses to eat his vegetables
7:30pm-8:15pm: Bath time!
8:15pm-8:30pm: Two words: Batman Pajamas.
8:30pm-10:00pm: The fine primetime programming from the Columbia Broadcasting System that hears Jim talk about every Sunday.
10:00pm-10:30pm: Get tucked in and listen to a bedtime story ft. Aaron Rodgers
10:30pm: Asleep. Aaron turns out the light. Just before he walks out of the room, he looks back at a peacefully slumbering Phil. Aaron smiles, and gently closes the door.
11:45am-12:15pm: Wake up, shower, drink ¾ gallon of Pedialite
12:15pm-12:30pm: Apologize to Josh McDaniel for missing morning practice while gently reminding him that he could see himself getting to know a new city before he’s reached that point in his life where it’s time to settle down
12:30pm-1:30pm: Pizza party. Pizza is served, but it’s also an actual party with a lot of drugs and alcohol
1:30pm-3:00pm: Go on 10-mile jog with Jamie Collins and Logan Ryan clinging to legs
3:00pm-5:00pm: Catching practice/weekly Nailin’ Palin viewing party with Brady, Edelman and Amendola
5:00pm-6:00pm: Eat 3,500-calorie dinner while listening to audiobook version of A Gronking To Remember
6:00pm-7:10pm: Case race against brothers over Skype.
7:10pm-7:45pm: Thumb through love letters from Mark Wahlberg
7:45pm-8:00pm: Stare at own penis while silently contemplating if maybe there’s more to life than constant hedonism and —
8:00pm-4:00am: ECSTASY AND CLUBBING
2:00am-2:53am: Stare blankly into the abyss
2:53am-3:56am: Fade into nothingness of unconscious state
3:56am-4:16am: Stare blankly into the abyss
4:16am-4:21am: Send blurry photo of shriveled left testicle to Les Miles
4:21am-4:45am: Fade into nothingness of unconscious state
4:45am-5:06am: Stare blankly into the abyss
5:06am-5:16am: Drift into nightmare of being forced to coach the Miami Dolphins
5:16am-5:25am: Stare blankly into the abyss
5:25am-6:30am: Fade into nothingness of unconscious state
6:30am-7:00am: Enjoy a breakfast of dry oats
7:00am-10:00am: Think about smiling, then laugh internally at the idea of smiling
10:00am-12:00pm: Retreat into dark, windowless room and lie catatonic while mentally replaying the Kick Six
12:00pm-1:00pm: Stroke flaccid penis while listening to the Paul Finebaum show
1:00pm-2:30pm: Violate NCAA recruiting bylaw, just to feel something
2:30pm-4:30pm: Entertain head coaching job offers from 25 NFL franchises
4:30pm-5:00pm: Piss on Bear Bryant’s grave, just to remind him who’s boss
5:00pm-11:00pm: Ignore family, study defensive schemes
11:00pm-11:37pm: Stare blankly into the abyss
11:37pm-11:54pm: Fade into nothingness of unconscious state
11:54pm-12:47am: Stare blankly into the abyss
12:47am-2:00am: Fade into nothingness of unconscious state
8:30am-8:45am: Gradually emerge from deep slumber in hyperbaric chamber
8:45am-8:53am: Beautiful sex with beautiful wife
8:53am-9:00am: Google “Avogadro’s Law,” casually scan wikipedia entry
9:00am-9:45am: Carefully shave face so stubble has time to perfectly grow in by press conference time
10:00am-11:30am: Disguise identity as self-proclaimed “Masshole from Brookline,” call in to WEEI sports radio 93.7 and insist that current day Brady is better than peak Montana ever was.
11:30am-12:00pm: Attempt to forget the distinct tangy odor of Von Miller’s balls.
12:00pm-12:15pm: Savor a refreshing sip from Glaceau Smartwater®
12:15pm-12:56pm: Downplay this Trump thing
12:56pm-1:00pm: Make mental note to return Welker’s call
1:00pm-2:30pm: Lunchtime meeting with Bill Belichick, consisting mostly of knowing stares and semi-audible grunts
2:30pm-2:59pm: Verbally berate official team paperwork shredder
2:59pm-3:00pm: Sign out of gchat when Welker comes online
3:00pm-5:00pm: Catching practice/weekly Nailin’ Palin viewing party with Gronk, Edelman and Amendola
5:00pm-5:15pm: Explain to family cook for the ten thousandth time that your diet does not allow for nightshades
5:15pm-6:30pm: Enjoy nice dinner with wife and family comparing relative beauty to normalized distribution of the population.
6:30pm-7:45pm: Family gathers around living room for nightly viewing of NFL Films’ Path to Perfection: The Story of the 2007 Patriots
7:45pm-7:51pm: Beautiful sex with beautiful wife
7:51pm-8:00pm: Feel bold, sneak a grape tomato past personal chef
8:00pm-10:00pm: Study grainy vines of final play of AFC Championship Game, alternate among weeping, making mental note to throw to single-covered All-Pro tight end, and etching Peyton Manning’s name into private burn book
10pm-4:00am: Sleep the sleep of champions
4:00am-4:55am: Bail Gronk out of Cambridge Police Station.
6:00am-6:30am: Wake up, see that the moon is still out, shower while lamenting the fact that nobody ever landed on it
6:30am-7:30am: Browse Russia Today online
7:30am-8:00am: Eat cereal, find there’s no prize in this box, nor has there ever been a prize in the box. Make mental note to look into that
8:00am-9:00am: Slowly fracture relationship with Marshawn Lynch
9:00am-10:30am: Agitatedly call members of Seahawks roster, frantically trying to score “some of that sweet koloradanga kanga kush.”
10:30am-12:00pm: Patiently explain to Tyler Lockett that there’s no way jet fuel could melt steel beams.
12:00pm-1:00pm: Uncomfortably stare at shoes while Russell Wilson mumbles through a conversation about consummating a marriage.
1:00pm-1:30pm: Quaff hair
1:30pm-3:30pm: Big Ideas brainstorm session with Steve Sarkisian
7:00pm-9:00pm: Send flurry of emails to the Rothschild family about, Christ, so many things
9:00pm-9:43pm: Play the Patriots in Madden 16. Run the ball on that play.
9:43pm-11:00pm: Pen op-ed for The Seattle Times contending that the 12th man is an elaborate hoax masterminded by Pete Rozelle and the Carter administration.
12:00am- 2:00pm: Sleep
2:00pm- 2:10pm: Marlboro Reds
2:10pm- 3:00pm: Secretly vaccinate the children while She’s away
3:00pm- 3:01pm: Tell Her that She’s prettier than LC
3:01pm- 4:00pm: Lie there during sex with Her
4:00pm- 4:10pm: Marlboro Reds
4:10pm- 6:00pm: Watch episodes of The League he was in
6:00pm- 6:30pm: Try to order one of those “JAY CUT” t-shirts online
6:30pm- 7:00pm: Give up and stand on the sideline while Josh McCown does it for him
7:00pm- 7:10pm: Marlboro Reds
7:10pm- 11:30pm: Type #CuttyDoesIt into Twitter to try to get it trending
11:30pm-11:50pm: Tell Her that She’s prettier than LC again but it doesn’t work this time
11:50pm- 11:59pm: Marlboro Reds