An Exclusive Interview with Russian Figure Skater Adelina Sotnikova

February 20, 2014 / by / 32 Comments

Earlier this week, National Ave scored an exclusive interview with Russian figure skating phenom and gold medalist Adelina Sotnikova following her victories in Sochi.1 It went well.

Ave: Thanks for sitting down with us.

Sotnikova: Of course.

Ave: So tell me, when do you turn 18?

Sotnikova: In three months.

Ave: Great, let me just fire up the old Google Calendar here aaaaand… done. Great.

Sotnikova: You’re creepy.

Ave: And your country can’t seem to grasp that the Iron Curtain fell yet, so we’ll call it even.

Sotnikova: Hey, have you ever tried this new thing called not being a fucking prick?

Ave: I’m sorry. Congratulations on your gold medals.

Sotnikova: Thank you, it was an honor to perform for my country.

Ave: So just how in the tank for you were the judges?

Sotnikova: Oh come onnn, I was clearly the best.

Ave: I mean.. yeah. But Ashley Wagner did spinning and jumping and stuff!

Sotnikova: I hope you get mauled by stray dogs.

Ave: That’s some tough talk for a girl who would be discarded by the Dothraki for not yet being able to bear children.

Sotnikova: Don’t you mean by the Lannisters?

Ave: I’m surprised you know family names, considering the entirety of Russia is north of the wall.

Sotnikova: Can we get back to talking about figure skating maybe?

Ave: Sure! When you do all the spinny things, do you ever get like super dizzy?

Sotnikova: Honestly, I want to puke.

Ave: The spinning’s that bad?

Sotnikova: No, this interview is.

Ave: Oh, I thought maybe you were talking about what happens if you drink the water in Sochi hotels.

Sotnikova: Or breathe the air in Los Angeles.

Ave: Yeah? Well… Gulags.

Sotnikova: Wat

Ave: Pogroms. Stalin.

Sotnikova: Slavery.

Ave: THAT WAS ABOUT STATE’S RIGHTS.

Sotnikova: Literally why am I doing this interview. I have the worst fucking publicist.

Ave: And human rights record.

Sotnikova: That’s it, I’m out.

Ave: No! Don’t go! I didn’t even get to glitter bomb you yet!

Sotnikova: Idi na xuy husesos.