An Exclusive Interview with Russian Figure Skater Adelina Sotnikova
Ave: Thanks for sitting down with us.
Sotnikova: Of course.
Ave: So tell me, when do you turn 18?
Sotnikova: In three months.
Ave: Great, let me just fire up the old Google Calendar here aaaaand… done. Great.
Sotnikova: You’re creepy.
Ave: And your country can’t seem to grasp that the Iron Curtain fell yet, so we’ll call it even.
Sotnikova: Hey, have you ever tried this new thing called not being a fucking prick?
Ave: I’m sorry. Congratulations on your gold medals.
Sotnikova: Thank you, it was an honor to perform for my country.
Ave: So just how in the tank for you were the judges?
Sotnikova: Oh come onnn, I was clearly the best.
Ave: I mean.. yeah. But Ashley Wagner did spinning and jumping and stuff!
Sotnikova: I hope you get mauled by stray dogs.
Ave: That’s some tough talk for a girl who would be discarded by the Dothraki for not yet being able to bear children.
Sotnikova: Don’t you mean by the Lannisters?
Ave: I’m surprised you know family names, considering the entirety of Russia is north of the wall.
Sotnikova: Can we get back to talking about figure skating maybe?
Ave: Sure! When you do all the spinny things, do you ever get like super dizzy?
Sotnikova: Honestly, I want to puke.
Ave: The spinning’s that bad?
Sotnikova: No, this interview is.
Ave: Oh, I thought maybe you were talking about what happens if you drink the water in Sochi hotels.
Sotnikova: Or breathe the air in Los Angeles.
Ave: Yeah? Well… Gulags.
Ave: Pogroms. Stalin.
Ave: THAT WAS ABOUT STATE’S RIGHTS.
Sotnikova: Literally why am I doing this interview. I have the worst fucking publicist.
Ave: And human rights record.
Sotnikova: That’s it, I’m out.
Ave: No! Don’t go! I didn’t even get to glitter bomb you yet!
Sotnikova: Idi na xuy husesos.