7 Names For Sox Park That Would Be Less Terrible Than Guaranteed Rate Field
The White Sox announced yesterday that starting at the end of the season, US Cellular Field will be renamed… Guaranteed Rate Field.
Yep. And there’s this really cool logo of a red arrow going down too, which should absolutely not be taken as symbolic under any scenario.
Anyways, here are seven other possible names for Sox Park that would be considerably less terrible than Guaranteed Rate Field:
1. Obama Field: There is no more famous Sox fan in the world, and there would be no better way to send Obama out of office than to rename the stadium in his honor. And while his accomplishments are many (15 million new jobs, 20 million newly insured, releasing a Spotify playlist full of baby-making jams), his biggest claim to fame is still that time he ended the Great Recession by getting the first pitch to home plate in his All-Star Game first pitch while wearing a Sox jacket.
2. Drake LaRoche Memorial Field: We all miss Drake, a boy taken from us too soon. “The Original Harambe,” as they call him. But although he is long gone, his memory lives on the hearts of Sox fans all over (and also presumably in a tattoo on Chris Sale’s lower back). It would only be appropriate to name the stadium in his honor.
3. Chancelor Bennett Park: Chance is the best of Sox nation. Fiercely loyal, ever optimistic, young, bright and talented. He’s the best ambassador the team has and he’s poised to break into the upper echelons of stardom (if he’s not there yet). Why not get in on the ground floor? He’s already hosting the park’s first music festival next month. What better time to break the news that the whole damn place is gonna be named after him?
4. Cominskey Park: Charles Comiskey was probably a racist and was certainly an asshole. He was hated by all who knew him so much that his own players *ALLEGEDLY* threw the World Series. Comiskey deserves no recognition or naming rights.
Cominskey with an n, however, is a very different concept. Cominskey is South Side sensibilities. It’s $2 Miller Lites (which would be readily available inside the park). It’s winning ugly. It’s Italian beef, extra juicy. It’s calling for The Big One to close out the World Series. Naming the park Cominskey is an ode to the South Side itself.
5. Portillo’s Park: If you’re gonna demand money for the naming right’s, Portillo’s is the obvious choice. A local icon (I will not be convinced that Guaranteed Rate exists, much less is a Chicago company) with more goodwill than any other, Portillo’s also happens to sell the food most associated with baseball. Plus, ya know, alliteration is dope. The only better local option would be…
6. Peter Francis Geraci Stadium: DO IT YOU WON’T.
7. The House That Jerry Half-Filled: This isn’t an insult to Sox fans, just a reflection on the state of the team under Jerry Reinsdorf and Ken Williams. They’ve got a glittering stadium and a massive fanbase — all they’re missing is hitting and coaching (the pitching’s fine, guys). I could spend a few thousand words detailing the misguided free agent signings of the last five years, but instead I think we should just name the stadium this as a nice, subtle hint to the front office.
Or you know what else would still be better than GRF? ISIS Stadium. Literally just ISIS Stadium. That would still be better.