Fantasy Olympics: Draft Recap

February 08, 2014 / by / 19 Comments

Draft Day has come and gone for Sochi’s Fantasy Winter Olympics 2k14, and unlike Russian Olympic rings, the field is wide open. Following the tried and true Fantasy Winter Olympic wisdom of “only draft WWII aggressors, neutral nations, or countries that saved everybody’s ass,” blonde-haired, blue-eyed nations were snapped up faster than the Polish can say “Blitzkrieg.” Despite our concerns about Austrians only performing well on mountains during musicals, we couldn’t be more excited about this Fantasy League than if we were getting free health care in Norway. The teams are as follows:

Team: The Apolo Ohno Vag-Beards
Manager: Clyde Stuart
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Russia (men’s)
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: France
1 Biathlon Nation: Germany
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Germany
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Norway (men’s)
1 Figure Skating Nation: Germany
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Australia
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Canada
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Germany
1 Snowboarding Nation: France
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Russia
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Austria

Team: The Quintuple Cock-rings
Manager: Benn Myers
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Canada (women)
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Austria
1 Biathlon Nation: United States
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Jamaica
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Canada (women)
1 Figure Skating Nation: South Korea
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Canada
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Russia
1 Ski Jumping Nation: United States of America
1 Snowboarding Nation: Japan
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation:
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Germany

Team: Michael Phelps’ Gravity Bong
Manager: Dan Ryan
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): United States of America (men)
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Sweden
1 Biathlon Nation: Austria
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Great Britain
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Sweden (women)
1 Figure Skating Nation: Japan
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Austria
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Netherlands
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Austria
1 Snowboarding Nation: United States of America
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Poland
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Italy

Team: The Yellin’ Yeltsins
Manager: Stephen Rees
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Canada (men)
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: United States of America
1 Biathlon Nation: Finland
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Switzerland
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Denmark (men)
1 Figure Skating Nation: Austria
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: France
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): China
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Finland
1 Snowboarding Nation: Switzerland
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Finland
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Norway

Team: Gays and Strays
Manager: Peter K.
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Finland (women)
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Germany
1 Biathlon Nation: Belarus
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Russia
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Canada (men)
1 Figure Skating Nation: Canada
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Switzerland
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): United States of America
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Slovenia
1 Snowboarding Nation: Austria
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Norway
1 Nordic Combined Nation: United States of America

Team: DostoyevSKI
Manager: Ann Bruton
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): United States of America (women)
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Italy
1 Biathlon Nation: Norway
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Canada
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Great Britain (men)
1 Figure Skating Nation: Russia
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Norway
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Italy
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Japan
1 Snowboarding Nation: Canada
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Germany
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Japan

Team: The Flying TOM-atoes haha
Manager: Tom Meyer
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Finlad (men)
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Switzerland
1 Biathlon Nation: Sweden
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: United States of America
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Switzerland (men)
1 Figure Skating Nation: United States of America
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: United States of America
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Japan
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Switzerland
1 Snowboarding Nation: Finland
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Switzerland
1 Nordic Combined Nation: France

Team: Olympic Hyper-nationalism
Manager: Chandler Dutton
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Sweden (men)
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Norway
1 Biathlon Nation: France
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Austria
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): China (women)
1 Figure Skating Nation: China
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: China
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): South Korea
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Poland
1 Snowboarding Nation: Austria
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Sweden
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Poland