Brian Urlacher has hair now, and we’ve lost our national innocence
There’s been an awakening. Have you felt it? The dark side… and the shaved.
In the biggest disturbance to Chicago sports media since Mike Ditka first talked about anything besides football, Brian Urlacher has appeared on TV, now sporting a lush, neatly trimmed, bristling head of hair.
Apparently the 2005 Defensive Player of the Year and eight-time Pro Bowler Urlacher underwent treatment using the RESTORE hair treatment, because the next best thing to winning a Super Bowl is a full head of hair and sense of confidence — just ask Rex Grossman. Here’s Ulracher’s infomercial for the treatment:
Chicago, this is wrong. This isn’t the Brian Urlacher we knew and feared. This isn’t the Urlacher who delivered bone crushing tackles and marshaled the second stingiest defense in a long history of incredible Bears defenses and snuck bitchy comments about Jay Cutler to the press. That Brian Urlacher is gone, never to come back, like Peanut Tillman or an NFC North Title. That Brian Urlacher was bald — this furry-headed chubbing commentator is little more than an imposter.
Urlacher and his shiny chrome dome were iconic. He was tough, rugged, manly, with follicle challenges just like the rest of the city that supported him. The man who now stands in his place, mumbling cliches about football from his meaty neck represents little more than a surrender to Big Shampoo and its hairy agenda. Urlacher may have regained a few artificially-inserted auburn hairs, but in doing so we’ve lost our sense of self as a nation.
Who can you trust when all of your heroes are gone, leaving nothing but a faint whiff of Head and Shoulders in their place? Where can you turn when the idols have left, never to return again?