What you’re going to spend Warren Buffett’s $1 billion on
Let’s face it: You’re an absolute bracket savant. Who else had Butler and VCU facing off in 2011’s Final Four? No one. In fact, not even you had that. That was honestly just nuts, and no one could have predicted it. But you took advantage of that *madness* en route to a dominant performance in your pool and a hefty $25 cash prize. Don’t you ever forget that.
And that’s why you’re pretty much a lock to take home the $1 billion Warren Buffett is offering for a perfect bracket. It’s simple math, really: You tried kinda hard to win that $25, so you’ll try 40 million times harder to win this year.1 What this all means is that you can’t be stopped. You’re winning that billion, and the only step left is to plan out what you’ll spend it on. We’ve got some ideas:
- 76,923,077 tickets to see Divergent on its opening night. No, you’re not really into YA fiction. In fact, you saw that this movie got 33% on Rotten Tomatoes and — discerning moviegoer that you are — wrote off its prospects from that point on. But you do love pissing people off. And ever since Colleen Mattherson didn’t want to date you in 7th grade, you’ve pretty much specialized in pissing off preteen girls. This is your chance to get them all in one swipe. Just buy up all the Divergent tickets in the world and watch them cry evrtiem.
- 775,193,798 remixes of Timber. Because you obviously already bought the original single.
- Tuition at a private university for 4,166 students. Let’s just go ahead and let that sink in for a quick second. It costs $1 billion for four years of tuition at an elite private school, and that’s just to cover fewer students than attended my high school. One. Billion. Dollars. Just try to think of what $1 billion looks like. It’s literally impossible because that much money is essentially infinite. Yet if you try to use one billion dollars to pay for a college education, you literally couldn’t pay for tuition for Harvard’s undergraduate population. What a fun system we’ve set up here.
- Paying down .007% of the nation debt. Wow, you’re such a good #patriot. That’s making a real dent in the deficit. When our economic system collapses under the crushing burden of generational debt, causing inflation to spiral out of control and our government to print worthless money, we’ll make sure to put your face on the billion dollar bill that we’ll use to buy a McDouble. Thanks.
- Speaking of McDoubles… 840,336,134 McDoubles! This is all I’ve ever wanted.2
- Providing clean water to 25% of the people in the world who don’t currently have it. WHY AREN’T WE FUNDING THIS.
- 1,052,631 golden retriever puppies. There are plenty examples of people’s lives going to hell after they win a massive sum of money, but there are literally zero cases of this happening to anyone surrounded by greater than one (1) million golden retriever puppies. In fact, made up data suggests that surrounding yourself with huge amounts of golden retriever puppies may be the key to immortality.
- 20,000,000 health insurance policies for young adults, available through the new federal exchange website! Just a few more weeks to sign up for affordable insurance at healthing-care.guv! Head on over to the new, functional website!
- 50,000 kilograms of pure crack cocaine. You have a debilitating drug problem. It’s going to ruin you. This is EXACTLY what that intervention was about. Please don’t do this again.
- Buying a minority stake in the Oakland Raiders. Although, honestly, I have a tough time believing the Raiders are worth more than $2 billion, so yeah you could probably get a majority stake and start drafting literally whoever Mel Kiper says is “dropping down the board” just to see how neglected a fanbase can be before they start rooting for the championship franchise across the bay.