Hot Takes In Your Area is a series of hot takes that are guaranteed 100% reactionary.

Hot Takes In Your Area: Stop criticizing Peyton Manning for using HGH — you all used it too

February 12, 2016 / by / 1 Comment

NOTE: Hot Takes In Your Area should be considered satire at all points unless you agree with it in which case it’s totally serious.

Ever since Boko Haram reported last year that Peyton Manning used human growth hormone to asexually regenerate his defective vertebrae, I’ve heard a lot of criticism of The Sheriff. For a while I just ignored it, fully immersing myself in trying to convince Papa John to start selling a chicken parm pizza.

But now that Peyton has cemented his reputation as the only good quarterback in football with his latest Super Bowl win, it’s become too much. While no one dares to criticize Cameron Newton for what he does or how he looks, Peyton is getting railroaded in the media and I for one am sick and tired of it. Enough’s enough, folks.

And here’s the worst part: everyone criticizing him for allowing his wife to chew up HGH tablets and feed them to him like a baby bird is a filthy rotten hypocrite. Because you all used HGH too.

Think about it, you used to be a stupid little scrawny baby right? Just lying around and pooping with very little muscle mass. But then sometime between ages 1 and twenty (it varies for each person and scientists don’t know why) your hormones kick in and BAM you start growing. You, a human, start growing thanks to your hormones. When your HGH use is over if you’re lucky you’re a fully grown human and if you’re really lucky you’re also the best QB of the last decade without any competition but that’s probably not you cause that’s Peighton Manning.

Now I know what you’ll say, you did it “the old fashioned way.” But I’m here to lay down the hard truths that everyone else is afraid to say: no you didn’t. You used HGH like the dirty cheater you are cause it was easier, and that’s ok but it’s not ok to do that and then go and criticize a good honest student of the game like Peyton (the guy is the definition of a gym rat). The only exception to this is little people, who did choose not to juice and whom I respect for it.

So there you have it folks, just saying it like it is. Now hopefully we can get back to the real issues, like telling people that the phrase “dispel with” doesn’t make sense cause it should be “dispense with” or just “dispel” but not both mixed together.