Your Unofficial NBA Playoff Awards
Here we sit, basking in the most glorious time of the year – the NBA Playoffs.
Shortly after losing lots of money during March Madness, you moved on to waiting for the playoffs. This year’s playoffs are quite different than what we’re used to — we no longer have Kobe taking 40 ill-advised shots like every day was #MambaDay, LeBron is now playing as an under-dog, and Dwight Howard is just waiting to get eliminated so he can go skeez on some more 19 year olds. So to help you make sense of this new era, here’s our unofficial awards ballot for the 2016 NBA playoffs:
Least Valuable Player: James Harden
What would you rather do – let Mike Tyson knock you out or watch James Harden play for 48 minutes? Or would you rather that everyone think you consummated with a goat or say James Harden is your favorite player?
Watching the Rockets in the playoffs would be painful no matter who they’re playing, because they’re a garbage ass team. It’s worse because they’re playing a historically great team in the Warriors, which makes watching Harden even worse. 48 minutes of this glorified homeless man flop around and refusing to play defense all while Rockets fans sit waiting for Brock Osweiler to do something.
Prediction: The only rockets that will function moving forward will be at SpaceX.
Worst Beard: Paul Pierce
It’s like one day Paul Pierce was walking around town and started a conversation with some guy who had just come from grocery shopping. Then Pierce said something offensive, because if you spend years being close to Kevin Garnett chances are you’re not a considerate being. That guy then reached into his bag and found some ground meat and slapped Paul Pierce in the face with it, which is the only explanation for how his beard grows.
It’s almost as disgusting as seeing him cross someone over then one of his fat rolls slowly coming back to meet the rest of this body.
Runner Up: James Harden. James Harden is garbage and his beard is garbage.
Looks most like a police sketch: Klay Thompson
Somehow this dude constantly makes it go down in the DM but he’s one goofy looking man. He straight up looks like a police sketch and it’s ridiculous.
Will probably kill someone in the offseason: Matt Barnes
Matt Barnes is absolutely insane. In fact, I’d venture to say that after Ron Artest/Metta World Peace/The Panda Friend, he’s easily the most psychologically terrifying player in the NBA. Earlier in the offseason, Derek Fisher got with Matt Barnes’ ex-wife which is a direct violation of bro-code rule 43. Matt Barnes drove all the way to D-Fish’s house and beat the shit out of him, as is his legal right. If Barnes is already murdering the Grizzlies’ playoff hopes one errant 3 at a time, he’s going to have to frustration-murder someone sooner or later.
Runner Up: DeMarcus Cousins
Is secretly The Terminator: Russell Westbrook
He’s a cyborg, plain and simple, there’s not really much to say here.
Runner Up: Timofey Mozgov
Least Hopeful: Derrick Rose
This one hurts to type, but when your official playoff-worn uniform is an Armani suit it’s time to come to terms with reality. Remember that one year you went to camp and there was this girl who got hot all of a sudden, but every year afterwards she wasn’t that hot anymore? You waited for a long time for her to re-get hot (pretty sure that’s the scientific term) but now you realize that it might be time to move on. A large part of this falls on the Bulls front office, which is a steaming pile of garbage. But that pile of garbage has the opportunity to start building around Jimmy and realize that they’re lucky enough to run a storied franchise with no thanks to them.
Derrick Rose has spent more time in Giordano’s Ads than he has on Sportscenter Top 10.
Will ruin “The Dab”: LeBron James
The Dab used to be awesome. Future made the dab cool and lots of rappers and athletes followed. Cam Newton dabbed all the way into Von Miller’s nuts, even LeBron did a cool dab. But then, Hillary Clinton and Ellen tried to “Dab on em” and the result was atrocious — the dab became corny. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, exemplifies NBA corniness the way LeBron does. Since LeBron blocks off twitter and Instagram every playoffs, we’ll have to watch him do some corny stuff post-game and that will almost definitely require some cheesy dab with Matthew Dellavedova
Shouldn’t be a televised sport: Baseball
Oh wow, there’s no playoffs on right now and you’re wondering what to do with your life. You’re flipping channels and one thing keeps coming up – the goddamn MLB. This bastardized form of cricket returns every April to give us a peek into the life of someone who was once athletic but then decided that chewing tobacco was more important than running. Baseball players are somehow in worse shape than competitive eaters and regardless of how exciting the playoffs are I have to listen to ESPN shove this in my face for the next six goddamn months.
Zodiac Killer: Ted Cruz
Don’t you for a second think that just because this is an NBA playoffs thread that I’m going to avoid the conversation that’s been at the top of all our minds. Ted Cruz is insane, and he’s killed many people prior to running for office. Because Trump is owning the media right now you don’t realize what lies beneath those eyes, but it’s decades of silence regarding the Zodiac Murders.