National Ave Exclusive: A Day in the Life of Kobe, Duncan, and KG
While the Golden State Warriors pulled one of the greatest free agency heists of all time this summer, they choked away the headlines to the loss of 3 generational talents: Kobe Bryant, Tim Duncan, and Kevin Garnett. For the past two decades, these legends have known nothing but basketball. They’ve devoted their lives to chasing records, championships, and Carmelo Anthony’s wife. We’d like to examine their new day to day, as our hardwood heroes become everyday civilians.
6:30am: Wake up to the sound of my opponents crying. Dwight’s tears soothe me. I head downstairs to make an espresso. I’m joking, I tell my maids to make me an espresso.
7:00am: Do 150 pushups and 200 crunches. If I don’t keep looking good naked then I might as well be Shaq. Shaq’s fat, fuck Shaq.
9:00am: Shoot 1000 three pointers. Make only about 300 of them, but I scowl so people still think I’m clutch. I’ve cultivated this image the way LeBron is a “family man.” We know it’s bullshit, but say it enough times and people will believe it. Kobe.
10:30am: Call Smush Parker, let him know he’s a piece of shit that wasted at least 2 years of my life. I break him down to the point where he’ll need therapy for the rest of his life. Mamba Mentality.
11:00am: Watch that game against Toronto where I dropped 81 points. Scowl at myself in the mirror while I beat off to being the GOAT.
12:00pm: Time for meetings at my VC. There’s a lot of shitty apps out there and I personally get to tell them why they should fuck off. Why didn’t I enter this field earlier?
3:00pm: Call Kwame Brown. Let him know he’s a piece of shit that wasted at least 2 years of my life. I break him down to the point where he’ll need therapy for the rest of his life.
4:00pm: Hit the studio and lay down some fire rhymes. How many words rhyme with Kobe? All of em, fuck you.
6:00pm: Just got invited to L.A.’s hottest White Party. Get there and realize it’s only white people. Perfect.
8:00pm: Have dinner, wash it down with some snake’s blood. It’s what keeps me young, and it’s also the reason I haven’t been flaccid since that ’02 series against the Kings. Shout out to my boy Tim Donaghy.
6:00am: Wake up to the soothing sounds of Ludovico Einaudi. Do my morning stretches and thank God I’m alive to see another great day in San Antonio. I know Charles says this town is full of fat women, but it’s the inside that counts.
7:00am: Eat a well-balanced breakfast since it’s the most important part of the day. All my plates are USDA portioned, so my kids and I know the perfect amount of nutrients we’ll need
8:00am: Prep for my IRS Final Round Interviews. Being a tax auditor is my dream job, fingers crossed this goes well!
12:00pm: Just finished my interviews, everyone I met was so neat! After I filed a 1040 in under 10 minutes — we had extra time and I was able to play Settlers of Cattan with my interviewer. Boy I really hope I get this job, it’d be swell.
12:30pm: Put on a sweater. Dang, that’s a nice sweater.
1:00pm: Found some Old Navy coupons that haven’t expired. Dear Diary, Jackpot.
2:30pm: Just got my hands on the perfect light-wash boot cut jeans. This day is almost as great as the time I got my third NBA Championship.
*The rest of TD’s day was so boring that we slept through most of it*
3:00am: WAKE UP MOTHER FUCKER, IT’S 3 A.M. YOU THINK DMX WAS SLEEPING AT 3 AM? NUH UH.
4:30am: HIT THE GYM ALL CHEST NO LEGS
5:30am: WAKE UP MY KIDS. IT’S TIME TO EGG RAY ALLEN’S HOUSE
6:30am: TALK SMACK TO THE PAPERBOY. LET HIM KNOW HE AIN’T SHIT
7:00am: DO A LINE
7:15am: WATCH THE SAMUEL L. JACKSON SCENE FROM SNAKES ON A PLANE. THIS IS THE MOST INSPIRATIONAL SCENE IN MODERN CINEMA
8:00am: NO TIME TO BOIL COFFEE SO I CRUSH BEANS WITH MY FIST. SNORT THEM, DRINK A GLASS OF BOILING WATER.
9:00am: I’VE ALREADY SWEAT THROUGH MY FIRST PAIR OF CLOTHES FOR THE DAY SO INSTEAD OF CHANGING I DECIDE TO WALK AROUND NAKED FOR A BIT
9:30am: APPARENTLY YOU HAVE TO WEAR CLOTHES TO SAFEWAY. I RUN BEFORE THEY CALL THE COPS
10:30am: HAVE SEX WITH CARMELO’S WIFE. YEP, STILL TASTES LIKE HONEY NUT CHEERIOS
11:00am: LET JOAKIM NOAH KNOW THAT HE A CONDOLEEZA RICE LOOKIN BITCH THO
1:00pm: WATCHED AN EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR. HOW DID JOJO NOT WIN? HEADBUTT A WHOLE IN THE WALL CUZ I’M SO AMPED UP.
3:00pm: NAP TIME. WHICH MEANS I HANG UPSIDE DOWN FROM A PULLUP BAR UNTIL I PASS OUT DUE TO LACK OF BLOOD CIRCULATION
5:00pm: HAVE MY SON WAKE ME UP USING A DEFIBRILLATOR. I LOVE THIS.
7:00pm: PRANK CALL RAY ALLEN. HE ASKS “WHO’S THERE?” I SAY, YO FUCK YOU RAY ALLEN I’MA KILL YOU
8:00pm: WATCH A COMPILATION OF DRAYMOND’S BEST NUT SHOTS SET TO TUPAC’S “Hit Em Up.” THIS IS HILARIOUS.
9:00pm: DRINK A BOTTLE OF EVERCLEAR AND RACE MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG.
11:00pm: GO TO BED AT PEACE KNOWING I’VE GOT MORE RINGS THAN THE OTHER KEVIN