Why You Hate Fans Of All 32 NFL Teams
Having just experienced the first Sunday without football, or the expectation of football, since early September, I’ve made the executive decision that I will not be able to quit cold turkey the drug that gives me reason to live. So before I enter the annual period of sustained self-reflection that characterizes February-September for every NFL fan, I’m going to take this opportunity to shit on the fanbases of all 32 NFL teams. It’s cathartic, trust me.1
Every time I play Madden, the Arizona Cardinals are always the first team that pops up under the “Play Now” option, given the laws of alphabetical order. And it’s just like, “Dude, not even Cardinals fans play as the Cardinals.”
Don’t think I don’t remember you people from the era when Michael Vick was your quarterback.
Have you ever talked to a Ravens fan about the fact that Ray Lewis (probably) killed a guy? It’s actually a surprisingly disturbing exercise in self-delusion. It usually goes something like this:
You: “Yo, how do you feel about the fact that Ray Lewis killed a g-”
Them: “LALALALALALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU WHAT ARE YOU SAYING LALALALALALALA.”
Listen guys, I’m really sorry, but Chris Berman is a Bills fan. So fuck every single one of you miserable fucking fucks.
The Carolina Panthers and the size of the Carolina Panthers’ fanbase have an interesting correlational relationship. It seems that every five years or so, the Panthers are good. It also seems that, on the same every-five-years cycle, the size of the number of people claiming to be Panthers fans quadruples. Scientists are still unsure what causes this inexplicable phenomenon.
“NO JAY CUTLER IS A GREAT QUARTERBACK HE JUST DOESN’T HAVE ANY HELP AROUND HIM JUST WAIT PRETTY SOON HE’S GONNA HAVE A GREAT OFFENSIVE LINE AND RECEIVERS AND HE’S GONNA PUT UP INCREDIBLE NUMBERS AND WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HIM NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HIM.” – that one Bears fan you know.
Outside of openly supporting an entire team that makes the squad in The Longest Yard look like a bunch of basket-weaving nuns? I’m actually not sure. I don’t really think I give a shit about Cincinnati. Do you? No? Okay so let’s like, move on.
All Cleveland sports teams are an interesting case in fan hate. Everyone hates them, but I think this is the case because it’s a lot of fun when teams you hate lose, right? And you can always count on Cleveland to be shitty, so you can always count on at least one thing going right in your day. This is why it’s so fun to hate Cleveland! No one is ever disappointed.2
Everything about you, dude. Just, everything about you.
There was a point, not too long ago, when this fanbase was fully committed to Tim Tebow. They ate, slept, drank, and breathed Tebow. If Tim Tebow had not decided to save himself for marriage long ago, many fans would have tried to have sex with him. They are, in large part, responsible for Tim Tebow becoming a household name, and for this I will never forgive them.
“NO Ndamukong Suh is NOT a dirty player. The NFL is just out to get him because Roger Goodell is a total douche. He’s never done anything mean or dirty in his entire life. Ever. That one time he stomped on that guy’s head when he was down was just how Ndamukong expresses his passion and intensity on the field. And those other times he was penalized for so-called ‘egregious late hits’ are perfect examples of how the NFL is getting soft. And that other time he stomped on that guy’s head just shows how misunderstood he is. NDAMUKONG PLEASE I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABY. PLEASE I’LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT” – every Lions fan ever.
Green Bay Packers
Please, tell me again about how your team is publicly owned! Because I 100% give a shit! And so does everyone else! While you’re at it, remind me how many tickets had to be bought up by corporate sponsors at your last playoff game? Tens of thousands? Damn. So I guess we can stop pretending like there are a ton of incredibly loyal fans in Green Bay. There aren’t; people just watch the Packers because there’s nothing else to fucking do in that God-forsaken shithole of a city.
These people made the decision, being from Texas, to not root for the Dallas Cowboys. Good for them.