Who you should support, and who you shouldn't, for the 2016 NFL playoffs.

Your Official NFL Playoffs Rooting Interests Guide

January 08, 2016 / by , / 0 Comment

The NFL Playoffs are almost here, and amid all the talk of concussion policy HGH use Cam Newton’s touchdown celebrations, it’s time for fans of the 20 teams not to make the playoffs choose which bandwagon they’ll jump onto.

Here’s our guide to why you should or shouldn’t support each team going into the playoffs:

DENVER BRONCOS

Why they’ll win

The league’s #1 defense, a Wild Card bye, home-field advantage at altitude, and someone else’s anterior pituitary gland.

Why they won’t win

A starting quarterback who was born during the Ford administration and a hole at right tackle so large it could fit John Elway’s front teeth.

Why you should support them

Last time a team this good went into the playoffs with a standing quarterback controversy, it was Eddie Martel and Shane Falco in The Replacements. If nothing else, root for the Broncos with the distant hope that, some day, Keanu Reeves will play Brock Osweiler in a critically bashed but unanimously loved sports film. Also, they’re not the Patriots.

Why you should cheer against them

Perhaps just one more playoff elimination is what it will take for Peyton Manning to stop doing Nationwide commercials.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Why they’ll win

A 38-year-old Tom Brady is playing like he’s in his prime, Rob Gronkowski has been unstoppable all year, Malcolm Butler has quietly become one of the league’s best corners, and Bill Belichick should be reenergized from a deal he just brokered with one Dr. Faustus.

Why they won’t win

The team has suffered more injuries than the 54th Massachusetts Infantry by the end of Glory. Also, cosmic justice.

Why you should support them

Because you’re a Masshole, and Patriots playoff games are a nice thing to have on in the background while editing the first draft of the Boondock Saints fan-fiction you’ve written and dedicated to Mark Wahlberg’s six-pack.

Why you should cheer against them

You know one or more Patriots fans.

CINCINNATI BENGALS

Why they’ll win

No team can lose in the Wild Card round five years in a row, right? Right!?

Why they won’t win

The Bengals haven’t won a playoff game since George Bush was president.

George H.W. Bush.

Why you should support them

So long as A.J. McCarron’s starting, there’s always the chance of a surprise pan to Katherine Webb sitting in the stands. Plus, a Carson Palmer-Andy Dalton Super Bowl is just the matchup we were all begging for.

Why you should cheer against them

Ken Griffey Jr. was just elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Not as a Cincinnati Red, mind you, but the point stands: If the Bengals get a playoff win on top of a former Red in the Baseball HOF, they might become another one of those terrible, downtrodden cities who think they’re great at sports (see: St. Louis, Detroit, Pittsburgh).

HOUSTON TEXANS

Why they’ll win

They won their division, so they must be decent, right? They even beat preseason Super Bowl darling Indianapolis Colts!

Why they won’t win

Their division was the AFC South, a division in which every other team either fired its coach or made the news for not firing its coach.

Why you should support them

JJ Watt might be the greatest defensive player we’ll see in our entire lives, and Brian Hoyer was an honorable mention for the 2007 All Big Ten team.

Why you should cheer against them

Think about a world in which the Houston Texans are the Super Bowl Champions. I mean, really think about it. You don’t want to live in that world, do you? No. You don’t want to live in that world.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

Why they’ll win

They’ve won 10 consecutive games!

Why they won’t win

They’ve won 10 consecutive games against the Browns, Ravens, Raiders (x2), Chargers (x2), Lions, Bills, Landry-Jones-helmed Steelers, and Really-high-voice-Peyton-Manning-who-has-cable-helmed Broncos.

Why you should support them

You’re a Rams fan, and your request to transfer to your company’s Los Angeles office was denied.

But actually, Eric Berry is a goddamn inspiration.

Why you should cheer against them

Maybe another playoff loss will get Andy Reid to finally take that Intro to Clock Management and Timeout Use at the local community college.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS

Why they’ll win

Antonio Brown is probably the best wide receiver in the NFL, Ben Roethlisberger looks as good as he ever has, and their secondary did break up that one pass this year.

Why they won’t win

They lost to the Ravens in Week 16, which is a surefire indication that a team is not good at football.

Why you should support them

They have the best receiving corps in the NFL, which is damn fun to watch, and you’ve been looking for something to do with that Terrible Towel since you used it to mop up catpiss three weeks ago.

Why you should cheer against them

They stung you on the hand when you were mowing the lawn in 2002.

CAROLINA PANTHERS

Why they’ll win

They have a dual-threat quarterback, a shutdown secondary, and the league’s 24th best receiver corps.

Why they won’t win

Because the world doesn’t reward fanbases that throw fucking temper tantrums every time they think ESPN’s Weekly Power Rankings didn’t give them enough respect.

Why you should support them

An admirable coach, a program that’s come a long way, and a team defined by hard work, but mostly just this tweet.

Why you should cheer against them

Skip Bayless didn’t like Cam Newton’s touchdown celebration against the Titans. Dare we question his moral authority?

ARIZONA CARDINALS

Why they’ll win

Carson Palmer is finally healthy, and according to every fucking Cardinals fan alive, that’s been the only thing standing between the Cardinals and the Lombardi Trophy for the last three years.

Why they won’t win

The Cardinals may be forced to forfeit in the case of Larry Fitzgerald’s hair getting stuck in the goal post padding.

Why you should support them

You’re trying to get into football, so you turned on a game and said your new favorite team was whichever one had the ball at the time, which turned out to be the Arizona Cardinals.

Why you should cheer against them

Because you’re a Rams fan, and the Cardinals going to the Super Bowl would mean that not only is your team getting relocated because it’s terrible and your city is terrible, but also that you’re the only team in your division to not have made it to the Super Bowl in the last four years.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Why they’ll win

They have a decent quarterback, decent offensive weapons, and a decent defense. Sounds like a Super Bowl contender!

Why they won’t win

Ragnar, the team’s unofficial mascot, recently denounced them to root for the rival Green Bay Packers, and it’s a well-known fact that Ragnar was the reason Minnesota had been a perennial playoff competitor over the last two decades.

Why you should support them

You thought Teddy Bridgewater was the name of a Game of Thrones character and hoped there might be a teaser for the upcoming sixth season during halftime.

Why you should cheer against them

If the Vikings make a deep playoff run, it marginally increases the likelihood of Chris Kluwe becoming relevant again, and nobody fucking wants that.

D.C. GRUDENS

Why they’ll win

Kirk Cousins is playing like an honest-to-god elite level quarterback, DeSean Jackson and Jordan Reed are back in form, and sometimes good things happen to bad people.

But most importantly, they know how to execute the oldest trick in the book:

Why they won’t win

Why you should support them

Let’s just be happy that the NFC East sent an above-.500 team to the playoffs. Also, you’ve spent the better part of the last 6 weeks screaming “You Like That? YOU LIKE THAT!?” while playing 12-year-olds in Madden.

Why you should cheer against them

You still haven’t gotten over the lingering taste of America’s strained racial history, just like the D.C. metro area hasn’t quite gotten over the lingering taste of Dan Snyder’s dingleberries stuck in their craw.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

Why they’ll win

Their fanbase is really loud and boisterous, especially when hollering chants like “SEAAAAA. HAAAAAWKS.” and “What’s an onside kick?”

Why they won’t win

Somewhere out there, there is a benevolent God who cares too much about us to let the Seahawks make it to the Super Bowl for the third consecutive time.

Why you should support them

It would give Richard Sherman a rare opportunity to speak about his abilities as a defensive back. Besides, it’s a great way to pass the time while you wait for Macklemore’s next album to drop.

Why you should cheer against them

Because even if the Seahawks win, Russell Wilson won’t have any celebratory sex. What’s the point in winning the Super Bowl if you don’t get to have celebratory sex?

GREEN BAY PACKERS

Why they’ll win

With one of the best secondaries in the league and a surefire Hall of Famer at QB, you can never truly count out the Packers, especially in the postseason. Just relax.

Why they won’t win

Olivia Munn is a sexy, sinful scourge sent down from God to punish Aaron Rodgers for his lustful transgressions and State Farm commercials. Also this team’s season has swung more wildly than Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn at a Jamaican nude resort.

Why you should support them

Aaron Rodgers is just the hero Manitowoc County needs right now. Not the one it deserves, but one it desperately needs because holy shit have you seen Manitowoc County?

Why you should cheer against them

Eddie Lacy killed Teresa Halbach and just stood back and let Steven Avery take the fall.