Week 4 Fantasy Football Team Names
Every week, I suggest new fantasy football team names based on the notable events of the previous week of football. It’s my way of coping with my tragic unwillingness to stick to a fantasy team name for more than one week at a time.
This is neither the first nor the last time I will suggest this as a fantasy team name, because I’m a 5-year-old manchild who will likely never stop giggling at any reference to an OTPHJ. But this is especially relevant this week, since A.J. Green went goddamn bananas on Baltimore’s secondary.
Trash, Trash, Fuccboi
A thousand props to Deadspin for picking this one up. Steve Smith may have lost the game, but he won the award for Coolest 80-year-old In The Game.
Last week it was Joe-and-2, and as long as the Ravens remain winless, Flacco the Dubiously Elite shall be taunted.
I almost started feeling bad about making fun of Roethlisberger’s MCL tear, but then I remembered that he probably date-raped people.
Vick and Morty
If you’re at the point at which you have to play Michael Vick in your starting lineup, this pun is probably all you have going for you.
Another holdover from last week, but the most recent progression in Cleveland’s QB controversy — which, lest we forget, is fueled by TMZ — is comedy gold.
For a team that many said “won the offseason,” the Dolphins are looking like a big pile of shit. Conveniently, they already live in a big pile of shit called Miami.
Three touchdowns in the final 25 minutes of the game? Fucking come on.
Alfred Blue A Load
Even for us, this is crude as hell, not to mention the exceedingly unsightly mental images of Michael Caine that it conjures. (For more PG leagues, maybe use “Alfred Blue Up.” Or maybe grow a pair. This is fantasy footbaw.)
Raiders of the Lost Bowlcut
After a recent ESPN profile of Raiders’ owner and Lloyd Christmas doppelganger Mark Davis revealed that the man travels 500 miles to get what is, at best, professional football’s third-worst haircut,1 we are left with a flurry of emotions that are only compounded by the revelation that Davis’ daily routine also includes a trip to P.F. Chang’s.
Cry Me A Rivers
Is it a little too easy? Yes, of course, but let’s not forget that Philip Rivers is this guy, and that he got brutally hit around four dozen times on Sunday in a blowout loss to the Vikings.
Jimmy Clausen’s Day Off
Actually, this team name is a disservice to Ferris Bueller, because — by virtue of having a friend who wore a hockey jersey — he was more involved in competent athletics than ostrich-looking motherfucker Jimmy Clausen, who led his team to a 100% punting rate on offensive drives on Sunday.
The Ten Punt Wonders
Sorry to belabor the point here, but the Chicago Bears punted ten times and I’m just not ready to let that go.
Mr. Jones and Me
This is intended for fantasy owners who have Julio Jones on their team, tearing up every opponent in sight. However, it could also work if you’re an intolerable Cowboys fan who inexplicably thinks Jerry Jones is a redeemable human. If the latter is true, stop coming to this site. No amount of ad revenue is worth our dignity.
San Francisco 47ers
Last week it was the 43ers, this week it’s the 47ers. As long as one of the NFL’s most annoying franchises continues letting offenses (and defenses) put up 40+ points a game, I guess we’ll have to continue recycling this sub-par joke.