Week 3 Fantasy Football Team Names
Every week, I suggest dozens of new fantasy football team names based on the notable events of the previous week of football. It’s my way of coping with my tragic unwillingness to stick to a fantasy team name for more than one week at a time.
It was another eventful week in what is shaping up to be another eventful NFL season. Two elite quarterbacks sustained serious injuries, and so did Jay Cutler. The Encyclopedia-Brown-worthy case of Jason Pierre-Paul’s mysterious finger count got juicier with some photo evidence. Andy Reid did some remarkably Andy Reid-y things. And the Eagles proved unequivocally that they are a complete fucking disaster this year. Okay, let’s have some fun:
The NFC Middle East
Here are a few ways the NFC East is actually quite comparable to the Middle East:
- Leaders with low approval ratings (Chip Kelly/Benjamin Netanyahu)
- Leaders with inexplicably high approval ratings (Jerry Jones/Bashar al-Assad)
- Terrible management of proprietary resources (Tom Coughlin/Bush administration)
- Unambiguous failure to fill a power vacuum (Cowboys quarterback situation/Libya 2011)
- Disputes that feel like they’ve been going on since time immemorial and really need to reach a solution already (Washington Racial Epithets/Israel and Palestine)
- Attempts to rebuild an institution from the ground up that seemed promising at first but failed due to a unilateral approach and refusal to understand the nuances of preexisting structures (Philadelphia Eagles/Iraq)
- A fruitless search for weapons (Redskins’ talent scouts/Bush administration)
- Injuries sustained following explosions (Jason Pierre-Paul, thousands of innocent civilians)
Matt Cassel Ex Machina
The fact that Matt Cassel is being brought to Dallas as Brandon Weeden’s back-up — in exchange for a comically small amount of draft capital — is too beautiful and tremendously sad to go unmocked.
There’s A Vaccine For That
This name taunts notorious anti-vaxxer Jay Cutler on his recent injury while playing off a series of Visine commercials from several years ago that nobody — seriously, nobody — ever thought would have this much cultural staying power.
From Ragnar To Riches
Ragnar, the Vikings mascot who has been to every game for the last 20 years, announced this week that he’s not coming to any more games until he is paid $20,000 a game by the Vikings. Ridiculous, right? That’s, like, $500 from everybody who goes to the game.
Chancellor’s Emergency Powers
A sly (and entirely unnecessary) reference to the Star Wars prequels, but more importantly, a nod to Kam Chancellor’s decision to end his standoff with the Seattle Seahawks.
12th Man Search and Rescue Team
It’s been an awfully long time since we’ve heard from Seahawks fans this year, hasn’t it? Indeed, it has…
The San Francisco 43ers
San Francisco allowed Pittsburgh to put up 43 points on Sunday. Let’s make fun of them because they’re annoying, and also because their fans have apparently turned into fucking delinquents.
Easy, Breesy, Benchable
Drew Brees’ shoulder injury this week makes him a dubious starter, but a surefire fantasy namesake.
Verizon’s Backup Generators
New Orleans back-up QB Luke McCown’s much-ridiculed commercial with Verizon emphasized the company’s back-up generators and the importance of a good back-up. Now that Luke McCown might actually have to start a game for New Orleans in Brees’ stead and people are realizing how terrifying that is for a team that is already 0-2, we’re offered a healthy reminder that Verizon’s back-up generators are probably just as shitty and unreliable.
Make America Deflate Again
When Tom Brady decides to buddy up with Donald Trump, we get a sentiment that only Julius Thomas knows how to properly convey:
Gronk You Like A Hurricane
Yes, it’s obnoxious, but if you have Gronk on your team, everyone already hates you anyway. So what’s the harm?
William Karlos Williams
so much depends upon.
a red-zone touchdown.
vultured from Shady McCoy.
in the first quarter.
References Browns’ head coach Mike Pettine’s bold choice to continue with Josh McCown as starting quarterback, even though Josh McCown isn’t good at football. Also references Sophie’s Choice, a heartwrenching film depicting the darkest abysses of the human condition.
Joe and 2
Between Flacco’s recent endorsement from Donald Trump as an elite quarterback and the ever-lingering fact that the franchise’s most legendary player was also an accomplice in the murder of another human being, it’s never too hard to root against the Ravens. When they lose to Oakland? Then it just feels unfair. But let’s do it anyway.
Dude is getting real old, and it’s showing. *hums Nationwide jingle* “Maybe time to hang them up…”
3rd Degree Jim Nantz Burn
Recycled from last week, yes, but isn’t that the true beauty of it? As long as the Colts — who made a convincing playoff run last year and brought in several stars in the offseason — are without a win, this name will serve as a gleeful reminder of the frailty of greatness.