Week 2 Fantasy Football Team Names: AFC Edition
Every week, I suggest dozens of new fantasy football team names based on the notable events of the previous week of football. It’s my way of coping with my tragic unwillingness to stick to a fantasy team name for more than one week at a time.
After a grueling off-season full of feigned interest in late-round draft picks, deceptive preseason successes (Where my Vikings fans at? Oh, back in hiding? Okay.), and the schadenfreudelicious depletion of the 49ers once-stout defense, the first week of regular season has come and gone, and with it, we have gathered our first impressions of the next sixteen weeks of fantasy football. Here is an AFC division-by-division breakdown of the newest relevant fantasy names, according to this week’s happenings.
For Whom The Bell Tokes
The way I see it, any reference that combines Hemingway, football, and Maryjane is a perfect culmination of masculinity and spiritual decay. However, this nod to Leveon Bell’s two-game suspension, which has made waves in the fantasy world, is only relevant for one more week, as he will again be eligible to play Week 3.
Black and Yellow Messiah
When a door closes, a window opens. Similarly, when the league’s best running back is suspended for smoking ganja, a held-back former Panther (Carolina, not Black) will rise to the occasion with 127 yards and a touchdown. This team name is an overwrought comparison of Steelers’ back-up running back Deangelo Williams to R&B artist D’angelo and his most recent album, Black Messiah. It’s an annoying team name to anyone who appreciates the music of D’angelo, but we’re talking about Steelers fans here. They have neither boundaries nor dignity.
Eifert Towering [Insert opponent’s mother’s name]
Cincinnati Bengals tight end Tyler Eifert was an enormous question mark going into the season, but kicked the year off with a huge game of two touchdowns and 104 receiving yards. Was it against the Oakland Raiders? Yes, of course it was, but points are points, and if the opportunity arises to make a joke about your opponent’s saintly old mother, carpe dickjoke!
Pacman Jones’ Headbangers
Cincinnati defensive back and perennial winner of the Worst Goddamn Person Alive award Adam “Pacman” Jones made headlines this week when he ripped rookie wide receiver Amari Cooper’s helmet off and smashed his head into it. I hate anyone who came out of the Alabama system as much as the next guy, but this was pretty unwarranted. However, it was not unwarranted enough to merit an ejection (maybe not even a suspension), nor was it unwarranted enough to stop us from making jokes about it.
Josh McOw // Josh McOwned
In what Deadspin accurately described as “the Brownsiest of Cleveland Browns plays,” Cleveland Browns quarterback Josh McCown attempted the iconic John Elway Helicopter Dive into the end zone, but instead of being an awesome helicopter dive, it was more like the helicopter in Jurassic World. The one that gets ripped apart by genetically engineered dinobirds then careens into a building and fucking explodes. Either of these two team names captures the anguish of anyone who had hoped Josh McCown would carry them to a league championship, which is exactly 0 people.
Suggs to Suck
Is it classless? Oh yes, it is exceedingly classless. But this is fantasy football, not the Masters. Powerhouse linebacker and distinguished alumnus of Ball So Hard University Terrell Suggs suffered a torn Achilles, taking him out for the rest of the season. This is a fitting team name for you if you A) dislike the Ravens like a normal person, and/or B) Have the Baltimore defense and are comfortable shitting on yourself. Must also be fairly shameless.
Ryan Fitzpatrick 2015 MVP
This is a funny team name if it’s executed with utmost sarcasm. Sure, Ryan Fitzpatrick had a great game and led the Jets to what feels like their first win in 5 years, but let’s not forget that we’re talking about the Jets here. They will choke. They will buttfumble their season into nothingness, and Fireman Ed will once against retreat in, I don’t know, probably Hoboken.
Sporting a Brandon Parshall
Did Brandon Marshall have an amazing week? No. But he had a pretty decent week! That’s why it’s only a parshall that you’re sporting, not a Brandon…Full Chubs. Anyway, this was fun.
Anyone who owns Sammy Watkins hates Sammy Watkins right now. The 2014 first-round draft pick, and 2015 WR2/WR3 had 1 target, which he didn’t catch. He got 0 points, in a game in which the Bills inexplicably scored four touchdowns. This team name is the perfect avenue to express your scathing rage at Watkins’ failure to contribute to your team.
Percy Starvin’ for [Dick // TDs // Points]
There are several ways to go about this particular pun. Percy Harvin had his first big week since, if I recall correctly, Super Bowl LXVIII, in which he urinated all over my own personal hopes and dreams, and a Harvin/starvin’ pun is in fucking order. If you’re a Percy Harvin fan, “starvin’ for points” or “starvin’ for TDs” is probably the way to go. If he was the reason you lost this week, “starvin’ for dick” is probably better.
I’m not sure it will ever stop being hilarious that a player whose last name is pronounced “blunt” got caught (and subsequently suspended) for smoking a blunt. Any blunt/Blount pun is appropriate here.
This team name is best for obnoxious Patriots fans (the 21st century’s greatest redundancy) who are so accustomed to defending their team’s credentials to “the losers and haters”1 that they must point out their division’s current undefeated record. This will obviously end next week, when, with any luck, the Bills bludgeon the Pats with a giant metaphorical asterisk.
Turn Down for Watt
This team name has been done to death, but this week, it takes on a new meaning, because the Texans’ defense — normally superhuman — was porous as hell this week against Kansas City. This gives us pause to reflect on the fact that Turn Down For Watt, as a team name, really only makes sense when Watt and the Texans’ D aren’t playing well. That’s why you turn down for them. Point this out to the world. Let your voice be heard.
Jedi Master ‘Iota
If you drafted Marcus Mariota as your starting quarterback, it can be safely presumed that you were given healthy amounts of shit for it, so it was probably that much more satisfying when he put up four touchdowns against Tampa Bay on Sunday. Better yet, Tennessee plays Cleveland on Sunday, so Mariota is being set up for a second consecutive week of excellence.
THAT’S WRIGHT, BITCH
Kendall Wright’s game on Sunday, which included a 52-yard touchdown reception, was very impressive, and anyone ballsy enough to start him in Week 1 in a shallow or medium-depth league is ballsy enough to pull off an all-caps team name. Rub it in your opponent’s face. This is your destiny.
99 Problems & A Bishop Ain’t One
This is likely too long a team name for your league, because we live in an Orwellian society ruled by the tyranny of character limits. If you can make it work, though, with some tweeny abbrevz (see: 99 Probz & Bishop Ain’t 1), this is a perfect team name to tout Bishop Sankey’s surprising success in his first week of 2015. Coming from someone who doubled down on Sankey in two drafts last year and promptly dropped him by Week 3, I can imagine it feels great to see him doing well. I wouldn’t know, though. I was too busy trying to claim Terrence Fucking West on the waivers.
A bit contrived, admittedly. But considering the abundance of sportscasters who picked Indianapolis for the Super Bowl this year, it’s nothing short of comical that they dropped their first game of the season to the Buffalo Bills. It’s probably not as funny as the Seahawks losing (we’ll get to that in the NFC Edition), but it is still very funny. Indianapolis plays the Jets next Monday, so this team name will likely be inaccurate come next week.
T WHYYYYYYYY Hilton
If you own T.Y. Hilton, you probably picked him up in the second round, maybe the third. Him leaving in the middle of the game with an injury and possibly missing the next few weeks sucks. It leaves you lost and alone, afraid to love again but doubtful you’d find love anyway. Most of all, it leaves you asking one question: WHYYYYYYYY?
The Jacksonville Jaguars
So simple, yet so fitting. A joke that speaks for itself, and speaks nothing else.
Last year, there was some uncertainty as to whether Peyton Manning’s decline was real or just due to his calf injury. On Sunday, Peyton dispelled that uncertainty by replacing it with certainty that his decline is real, overthrowing several passes and taking sacks about as gracefully as Grape Lady. After enduring a couple years of having the goddamn Nationwide jingle stuck in our head, we owe it to ourselves to mock Peyton Manning’s inevitable oldness.
Ready for Hillman 2016
C.J. Anderson was a tremendous letdown in his first game of the season, averaging only 2.4 yards per carry and only racking in 29 yards on the day. His back-up Ronnie Hillman, however, performed considerably better, and though the statistics don’t show it, he may make a compelling case for starting RB down the road. He’s certainly doing better than Hillary Clinton is in the polls in New Hampshire, AMIRITE?
Travis Kelce’s Magical Fist
This is a fun double entendre, because it both refers to Kelce’s extravagant touchdown celebration against the Texans…
…and the act of sticking your fist inside a person’s vagina and/or anus.
Keenan AllIn Dat Ass
Okay, yes, I do acknowledge that these are getting progressively more perverse.2 But this is an opportunity you can’t really pass up. Chargers WR Keenan Allen’s spectacular Week 1 was probably the reason you won your first match-up, and it is your duty as a prick who plays fantasy football to turn that into an aggressive sexual reference.
McGimli, Son of McGloin
It is ever-so-rare to have an opportunity to execute a relevant Matt McGloin pun, so it’s pretty important to capitalize on this now, before Derek Carr comes back from his injury and does just as shitty a job at quarterback as Matt McGloin. While we’re discussing this, I suppose it’s always a good time to thank the man upstairs for not making me a Raiders fan.
Keep an eye out for the NFC Edition of Week 2 Fantasy Team Names tomorrow!