We Came Up With Rules For Fantasy Olympics So You Don’t Have To

January 31, 2014 / by / 30 Comments

In The Red Fern Grows, a character says, “There’s always someone there to fill the spaces.” At least I think it was The Red Fern Grows. It was definitely one of those books with a dead dog. But I digress, it’s been a little over a month since the end of the fantasy football season, and I’m ready to bring to my life another activity that will consume most of my time and wreak havoc on at least three close friendships. So, without further ado, I present you:

Fantasy Winter Olympics 2014

Yes, that’s correct. The 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics are as much an opportunity as ever to gamble away anywhere between $5 and $5,000 for the sake of, well, boredom. The nice thing about Winter Olympics is that there are significantly fewer events than in the Summer Olympics, so it’s a lot easier to gamble on every event and have some ability to keep track of it. This year, 8 National Ave writers will draft their own Fantasy Olympics team and compete for the greatest prize imaginable: being an insufferable dick to your friends. Here is what each roster in Fantasy Olympics will look like:

Each team shall draft:

  1. One (1) hockey team, either men’s or women’s. If the team wins the Gold Medal, your team will be awarded 3 points. If the team wins the Silver Medal, your team will be awarded 2 points. If the team wins the Bronze medal, your team will be awarded 1 point.
  2. One (1) country to represent your team in Alpine Skiing (both men’s and women’s). For each Gold medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Alpine Skiing, your team will be awarded 3 points. For each Silver medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Alpine Skiing, you will be awarded 2 points. For each Bronze medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Alpine Skiing, you will be awarded 1 point.
  3. One (1) country to represent your team in Biathlon (both men’s and women’s). For each Gold medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Biathlon your team will be awarded 3 points. For each Silver medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Biathlon, you will be awarded 2 points. For each Bronze medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Biathlon, you will be awarded 1 point.
  4. One (1) country to represent your team in Sbluge (both men’s and women’s). Since the differences between Skeleton, Bobsled and Luge are minute and irrelevant, we’ve combined all three events into one superevent. For each Gold medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Sbluge, your team will be awarded 3 points. For each Silver medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Sbluge, you will be awarded 2 points. For each Bronze medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Sbluge, you will be awarded 1 point.
  5. One (1) curling team, men’s or women’s. If the team wins the Gold Medal, your team will be awarded 3 points. If the team wins the Silver Medal, your team will be awarded 2 points. If the team wins the Bronze medal, your team will be awarded 1 point. If the team has red and blue plaid or checkered pants, you will be awarded 1 bonus point.
  6. One (1) country to represent your team in Figure Skating (both men’s and women’s). For each Gold medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Figure Skating your team will be awarded 3 points. For each Silver medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Figure Skating, you will be awarded 2 points. For each Bronze medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Figure Skating, you will be awarded 1 point.
  7. One (1) country to represent your team in Freestyle Skiing (both men’s and women’s). For each Gold medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Freestyle Skiing your team will be awarded 3 points. For each Silver medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Freestyle Skiing, you will be awarded 2 points. For each Bronze medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Freestyle Skiing, you will be awarded 1 point.
  8. One (1) country to represent your team in both short-track and regular Speed Skating (both men’s and women’s). For each Gold medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Speed Skating your team will be awarded 3 points. For each Silver medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Speed Skating, you will be awarded 2 points. For each Bronze medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Speed Skating, you will be awarded 1 point.
  9. One (1) country to represent your team in Ski Jumping (both men’s and women’s). For each Gold medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Ski Jumping your team will be awarded 3 points. For each Silver medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Ski Jumping, you will be awarded 2 points. For each Bronze medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Ski Jumping, you will be awarded 1 point.
  10. One (1) country to represent your team in Snowboarding (both men’s and women’s). For each Gold medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Snowboarding your team will be awarded 3 points. For each Silver medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Snowboarding, you will be awarded 2 points. For each Bronze medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Snowboarding, you will be awarded 1 point.
  11. One (1) country to represent your team in Cross-Country Skiing (men’s and women’s). For each Gold medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Cross-Country Skiing your team will be awarded 3 points. For each Silver medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Cross-Country Skiing, you will be awarded 2 points. For each Bronze medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Cross-Country Skiing, you will be awarded 1 point.
  12. One (1) country to represent your team in Nordic Combined (men’s and women’s). For each Gold medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Nordic Combined your team will be awarded 3 points. For each Silver medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Nordic Combined, you will be awarded 2 points. For each Bronze medal won by athletes from said country in men’s or women’s Nordic Combined, you will be awarded 1 point.

All drafts should be finished by midnight on Thursday, February 7th, 2014. We’ll be posting weekly updates of points and recaps of the week’s events.

Let the countdown to Sochi begin!