The Inaugural College Football Playoff Rewritten as a Children’s Story
Once upon a time, there was a far-off land with five great kingdoms: one in the west, one in the south-east, one on the east coast, one in the kind of central-southern area, and one in the kind of central/northern-central/eastern-central/northeastern area. Technically, there were a lot more kingdoms, but it’s mostly these five. Actually, the fourth one isn’t relevant to this story. You know what? Let’s start over.
Once upon a time, there was a far-off land with four great kingdoms: one in the west, one in the south, one in the east, and one in the north. They all wanted to be the most powerful kingdom in all the land, so every year, they would send their armies to fight armies from other kingdoms. They would meet an army from another kingdom in a place that was either comfortably warm in the winter or Detroit, and they would fight on the field for a few hours to determine the winner. The most powerful kingdom was the one who had won the most battles, or at least the most important battles, but also factoring in strength of opponent, individual awards given to soldiers, their performance in smaller battles throughout the year, and a lot of other things. Needless to say, it was a fairly ineffective way of measuring the greatness of a kingdom.
So one day, realizing the system’s shortcomings — as well as the potential for outrageous revenues — they changed their manner of determining power. The new metric of greatness in this land would be who had the single greatest army. Each kingdom would send its strongest army and they would compete in a neatly-bracketed competition. Whichever army emerged as the winner would belong to the most powerful kingdom.
The first battle took place between the west and the east. The kingdom of the west sent the Duck Army, a brightly-colored elite force led by Prince Mariota, widely regarded as the bravest and strongest soldier in the land. Once known for its offensive prowess, the Duck Army has been considered a more well-rounded force since King Chip took a boat to another continent to attempt in vain to make a great army with Prince Sanchez, formerly a renowned warrior of the Western kingdom. Also working in the Duck Army’s favor was their state-of-the-art military equipment, provided by Nike.
Up against the Duck Army stood the formidable Seminole Army, a name they still insist has no questionable racial implications. The Seminole Army was the meanest, most ethically questionable army in the land, led by the audacious Prince Jameis. Prince Jameis was a quintessential flamboyant military personality, best known for riding into battle wearing a helmet made of stolen crab legs. The Seminole Army was a formidable foe for the Duck Army; as any advocate of the army would readily tell you, they had won 29 consecutive battles, including the previous year’s greatest battle against the now-defunct Tiger Army from the South.
Much to everyone’s surprise, the battle turned into a massacre, as the Duck Army completely shat all over the Seminole Army. Everyone was generally pleased with this, because the Seminole Army was a bunch of assholes, and Prince Jameis probably committed sexual assault at least once.
The next great battle occurred between the south and the north. The south — acknowledged widely as a hotbed of military greatness — sent the Crimson Army, one of the most storied and successful armies in the history of warfare. The Crimson Army had won many battles recently, led by King Saban, who is without doubt the most odious piece of shit in the land. Really just a big, greasy bag of shafts.
The north sent Buckeye Army, who insist on being called The Buckeye Army but rarely find people obnoxious enough to indulge in that request. Buckeye Army was led by King Urban, the only man who could possibly rival King Saban in how widely he is thought to be a shitpillow, and Prince Cardale, who wouldn’t be here if Prince JT hadn’t suffered an injury to his ankle in battle, or if Prince Braxton hadn’t suffered an injury to his knee in battle even earlier.
Buckeye Army and the Crimson Army both fought valiantly on the field of battle, but it was Buckeye Army who ultimately prevailed. This would have been an enjoyable result for everyone had it not come at the expense of King Urban winning. Ideally, the battlefield would have turned into a giant sinkhole that consumed everyone. But alas, it did not, and Buckeye Army would advance to face the Duck Army in the battle to determine where power would sit for the next year.
The Duck Army fought with laudable ferocity and rigor, but ultimately, they fell short against Buckeye Army, making the north the most powerful region in all the land. Some people seemed frustrated by this result, as the north produces fewer great soldiers and seems to focus a lot more on academics, arts, and basketball. Nobody would be more frustrated with this than the south, who seemed to have nothing to live for other than war. Mostly, everyone was terribly upset to see King Urban with a smile on his face. A lot of people probably vomited when they saw that, because they found it so viscerally disturbing.