Proudly Presenting the NFL’s 2014 All-Criminal Teams

September 17, 2014 / by / 1,275 Comments

The NFL has been in the news quite a lot recently. I mean, really a lot.

Ray Rice beat his girlfriend, Greg Hardy beat his girlfriend, Adrian Peterson beat his kid, and Roger Goodell beat his chode-ish little wanker off to a cash-filled envelope with “Integrity” written hastily across the front. Are the times a-changing in the NFL? Certainly. That which was once ignored is now scorned, and that which was once scorned is, well, still scorned. So among all these other changes taking shape, we’d like to propose yet one more: the instatement of the first annual All-Criminal Bowl. It’s like the Pro Bowl, but players are only eligible if they’ve been arrested, and instead of Deion Sanders and Jerry Rice, the coaches will be OJ Simpson and Ray Lewis.

TEAM ACQUITTAL

Coach: Ray Lewis. One of the best linebackers — and accomplices to cold-blooded murder — the NFL has ever seen, Lewis can be expected to push his team to play aggressively and ruthlessly.

Quarterback

Michael Vick (NYJ). Animal cruelty.

Even with the wealth of criminal quarterbacks, Lewis had no trouble settling on Vick as his QB1. He’s fast, he’s talented, and he apologized effusively enough for his heinous inhumanities to salvage his career, assuming that we’re willing to stretch the definition of “career” enough to encompass playing as Rex Ryan’s QB2. 

Running Backs

Le’veon Bell (PIT). Marijuana possession/DUI supercombo.

Legarrette Blount (PIT). Marijuana possession. Did we mention that his last name is pronounced “blunt”?

Expect great chemistry from this running back combo, seeing as they were arrested together. You might even say that Blount is Bell’s handcuff.

Wide Receivers

Dez Bryant (DAL). Physically assaulting his mother.

WR: Justin Blackmon (JAX). Possession.

But like, a lot of possession. Enough possession to get him suspended for basically eternity. We’re talking some Snoop Dogg levels of possession. Also, WHO PHYSICALLY ASSAULTS THEIR MOTHER? THEIR POOR, DEAR, SAINTLY MOTHER.

Tight End

Aaron Hernandez (NE). Homicide.

It’ll take some Major-League-esque convincing of the “I’ll get you out of prison if you play for my team” variety to get Hernandez on the team, but count on Ray Lewis to make it happen. There are lots of criminals in the NFL, but murderers? They’re a rarer breed. They’ve got to stick together.

Offensive Line

Jah Reid (BAL). Two counts of misdemeanor battery.

Quentin Saulsberry (DEN). DUI

Jason Peters (PHI). Drag racing, resisting arrest.

Andre Smith (CIN). Carrying a loaded gun in an airport.

Jarriel King (SEA). Sexual assault.

Weapons, violence, sex crimes, intoxication, drag racing? Lewis put together an offensive line with an impressively diverse resume of misdemeanors. These five should keep opposing D-lines not knowing what to expect.

Defensive Line

John Abraham (ARI). DUI, obstructing with law enforcement

Cornelius Washington (CHI). Speeding, driving with a suspended license

Marcel Dareus (BUF). Possession, reckless driving

Alan Branch (BUF). DWI.

Expect great cohesion from this defensive line. Their shared love for crimes in vehicles should turn them into a great unit.

Linebackers

Von Miller (DEN). Driving with a suspended license, failure to appear in court.

Daryl Washington (ARI). Assault.

Jo-Lonn Dunbar (STL). Battery and disorderly conduct.

These three clearly have some aggression to release on the field, especially Washington and Dunbar. Miller seems a little calmer, but fortunately, he has Ray Lewis to coach him into being ruthless on the field.

Defensive Backs

Pacman Jones (CIN). Assault.

Aaron Berry (DET). DUI, Assault.

Keelan Johnson (PHI). Assaulting a police officer.

Joe Lefeged (IND). Carrying an unregistered pistol.

The self-titled “Legion of Assault” should be a nightmare for opposing offenses. 

Kicker

Matt Prater (DEN). DUI, leaving the scene of an accident.

Don’t be fooled — there was a stripper involved in this arrest, too. Sure, it’s not illegal to bang a stripper, but I just want you to know, there was one there. 

Punter

Todd Sauerbrun (DEN). Assault, DWI, driving with suspended license.

This guy is literally the Vince Lombardi of punters with criminal records.

TEAM CHARGES DROPPED

Coach: OJ Simpson. While Ray Lewis will coach his team to be aggressively, OJ will coach his team in speed. His central gameplan is to outrun the opposition on the nationally televised game.

Quarterback

Ben Roethlisberger (PIT). Sexual assault.

Besides being a man who both looks and behaves like the prototype of a perpetrator of sexual assault, Ben Roethlisberger is a fairly talented quarterback. So that’s nice.

Running Backs

Adrian Peterson (MIN). Reckless injury to a child.

Ray Rice (BAL). Domestic violence.

By taking two men who are currently the most controversial players in the NFL, Coach Simpson is making a statement: “you can either love me, or you can hate me.” What he didn’t realize is that everyone is going to hate him.

Wide Receivers

Josh Gordon (CLE). DWI, possession.

Roddy White (ATL). Failure to appear in court.

OJ found himself two pretty chill wide receivers. Don’t expect too much aggression out of these guys, but do expect their lack of aggression to be compensated for by the running backs.

Tight End

Fred Davis (WAS). DUI, reckless driving, driving with a suspended license (x2).

I’m sorry, but Jesus Christ, how many vehicular crimes can one man commit?

Offensive Line

Daniel Kilgore (SF). Public intoxication.

Al Netter (SF). DUI.

David Diehl (NYG). DUI.

J’Marcus Webb (CHI). Possession.

Samson Steele (IND). Disorderly conduct.

Possibly some concerns for this offensive line. While they clearly do well with substances, a lack of physical presence may prove an issue for all of them except Steele.

Defensive Line

Greg Hardy (CAR). Assault.

Adewale Ojomo (TEN). Soliciting prostitution.

Ray MacDonald (SF). Domestic violence.

Akeem Spence (TB). Possession.

What a fascinating D-line. Look out for some aggression from Hardy and MacDonald, and God knows what to expect Ojomo to do on the field.

Linebackers

Aldon Smith (SF). A lot of things involving weapons. A lot. 

Erin Henderson (MIN). DWI, possession.

Kaluka Maiava (OAK). Assault.

Aldon Smith should be able to rally this linebacking corps into a deadly squad. Almost as deadly as the illegal weapons with which he’s been arrested multiple times.

Defensive Backs

Chris Culliver (SF). Hit-and-run, possession of brass knuckles which he used to hit a biker. Sorry, did you hear that? POSSESSION OF BRASS KNUCKLES WHICH HE USED TO HIT A BIKER.

Sean Smith (KC). DUI.

T.J. Ward (DEN). Assault.

William Moore (TB). Battery, speeding, driving with a suspended license, failure to appear in court.

Terrifying. No receiver wants to go up against these guys. Especially Chris Culliver. You know, Chris Culliver, the guy who used brass knuckles in the 21st century. 

Kicker

Sebastian Janikowski (OAK). DUI (x2), possession, assault, vandalism, public drunkenness

When your kicker has more misdemeanors than anyone else on your team, you’re probably doing something wrong.

Punter

Pat McAfee (IND). Public intoxication.

To be fair, who wouldn’t be frequently drunk in public if they were a professional punter?

Needless to say, the game will be refereed by Roger Goodell. Don’t count on seeing too many flags thrown.