Packers Fans Think Aaron Rodgers’ Slump Is Due To Oversexing With Olivia Munn
Packers fans just can’t comprehend how their team could possibly have lost three games in a row, and are starting to grasp for explanations.
First, there was the Mike Ditka sweater curse. Now, instead of accepting the reality that maybe a team that can’t win at home against the Lions might just not be that good, Packer nation has lashed out at Olivia Munn, claiming that the actress/model/professional-very-sexy-person’s active premarital sex life with Packers QB Aaron Rodgers is the root cause of Green Bay’s current slump, and in the process has become the first fan group ever to claim that there is such a thing as having too much sex with Olivia Munn:
— JS Comments (@JSComments) November 16, 2015
I am going to start a “Break up Aaron Rodgers and Olivia Munn” GoFundMe campaign. Enough is enough. #Packers
— Rico Swab (@ricoswab) November 15, 2015
God has taken his hand of blessing off the Packers cuz Olivia Munn talked about her and Aaron Rodgers' sex life. Would bench Rodgers too
— JKuhn (@h8rproof82) November 17, 2015
I blame Olivia Munn(ster) for everything that goes wrong in Aaron Rodgers world.
— Jackie Plourde (@jackie_plourde) November 2, 2015
While the fact that Aaron Rodgers is apparently having so much sinny, sinny sex with this person has to be one of the most obnoxious things about Rodgers — somewhere in between his celebration move and those State Farm commercials — something here just doesn’t add up.
If only we had some sort of foil to Aaron Rodgers’ apparently prolific sex life to test this theory. Oh wait, we do! His name is Russell Wilson, and he is at least the fourth-most annoying practitioner of alleged abstinence. Much fanfare has been made regarding Russell Wilson’s very public abstinence with his girlfriend, Ciara, whose wholesome, sex-negative lyrics include such gems as this excerpt from “Ride” ft. Ludacris:
I can do it big
I can do it long
I can do it whenever or however you want
I can do it up and down
I can do it in circles
To him I’m a gymnast
The ring is my circus
Unfortunately for Packers fans, when it comes to building out an elaborate conspiracy theory it pays to double check, and the evidence opposing their hypothesis is fairly conclusive. Russell Wilson, coming off two Super Bowls and a ring (two if you count the promise ring), has been categorically mediocre this year, averaging around 235 yards and 1 touchdown per game.
While Russell Wilson’s uneven performance so far this season is the primary foil to the pet theory among Cheeseheads and Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal commentators everywhere, a number of other quarterbacks in the NFL seem to buck the supposed trend associating copious amounts of sex with beautiful people with an inability to accurately throw the long ball, as it were.
Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler has had an impressive season despite what we can only assume are nightly bare-back, insulin-infused two-minute drills with wife and noted hot person Kristi Cavallari, while Andrew Luck’s performance has regressed this season even as he maintains his lady-repellent neckbeard. As far as we know, recently benched Browns QB Josh McCown hadn’t achieved coitus in the post-recession era, while Tom Brady is putting in another MVP-caliber season even as he and his wife Gisele Bundchen repeatedly spite our loving God by telling each other how beautiful the other is while having sex.
Philip Rivers has had an excellent year, but his wife just recently gave birth to their seventh child (no, seriously, their seventh fucking kid), and I doubt there is any among us one person who would peg Philip Rivers as the type of guy to give the fetus a black eye. Colin Kaepernick is having such a garbage year that he got benched for Blaine Gabbert, the Jar Jar Binks of NFL quarterbacks, but we know that there are some women out there who are trashy enough to sleep with someone who looks like an anthropomorphic Lego character covered in tattoos.
Nobody is quite clear on the particulars of Peyton Manning’s sex life, but we’re all pretty damn sure that no amount of chicken parm tastes so good that it could have produced such staggeringly weak statistics as those he put up at home against Kansas City last week. Meanwhile, Jameis Winston has had — actually, on second thought, let’s not include him in our sample.
So there you have it, Pack fans. We may hate Rodgers for all the false starts he and Olivia Munn are perpetrating in the eyes of a wrathful God, but it’s doubtful that his willingness to take the sack is the cause of his poor quarterback play recently. At least we can all rest easy knowing that, if nothing else, the man knows how to hit someone on the button route.