Kentucky Derby 2014: Every Horse Name As A Sexual Maneuver

May 03, 2014 / by , , / 27 Comments

It’s Derby Day! Yes, the day in which people from all over the country pretend to give even the measliest little fuck about horse racing, using it as a springboard to wear fancy clothes, get wasted by 3pm, and bet their last month’s earnings on a horse named Ass Palace. While Ass Palace is not competing this year, there are 21 other horses that have equally confusing names with hidden sexual undertones. This year, we have taken it upon ourselves to speculate about these hidden undertones; below, you will find each horse competing in the Kentucky Derby and a description of what we imagine you’d find if you looked up the horse’s name on Urban Dictionary.

California Chrome

When a girl gives a guy road head and proceeds to spit it out the window and on to the chrome of the bumper of the car behind them.

Vicar’s In Trouble

When a person sends a personal representative (one might call it a vicar) to engage in intercourse with his/her spouse, and the spouse manages to figure out, making said vicar effectively “in trouble.”

Dance With Fate

Performing the dance of love with an exotic dancer named Fate. Usually runs you about $15.

Wicked Strong

A person from Boston incoherently shouts about the resilience of the city while drinking Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and engaging in penetrative intercourse with a freckled ginger named Molly McFlanahan.

Samraat

When two individuals consent to form a post-dubstep duo named “Samraat,” and Pitchfork masturbates all over them.

Danza

The details of this sexual act are as incomprehensible as Tony Danza’s acting career. There might be a monkey involved somewhere along the way.

Hoppertunity

When two people engage in intercourse to the ambient background noise of a Dennis Hopper movie. Admittedly, this is one of the all-time least popular sexual maneuvers.

Intense Holiday

Also known as an “Office Quickie,” this short but passionate lovemaking session is the perfect way for coworkers to take a quick break from the monotony of the workplace. Sometimes called the “Excel Spreadlegs.”

Wildcat Red

Having sex with a furry during the wrong end of the lunar cycle. 🙁

We Miss Artie

Touching one’s self to the memory of renowned clarinetist Artie Shaw’s dexterous use of his big shaft of wood.

Ride On Curlin’

It’s basically a reverse cowgirl, but the dude’s name is Curlin. We thought this one was pretty self-evident, actually.

Chitu

When one gets railed up the ass so hard by Chester Cheetah that they temporarily lose the capacity to form unambiguous vowel sounds.

 

Hey, Chester! Whatcha got there?

Tapiture

More a location than a sexual act in and of itself, the phrase “tapiture” refers to pieces of furniture around the house upon which some mad-serious ass has been tapped.

General A Rod

An oddly specific name for an oddly specific sexual act: when a man or woman engages in a threesome with baseball star Alex Rodriguez and retired General David Petraeus.

Medal Count

A daring task in which one attempts to sleep with an Olympic gold medalist, silver medalist, and bronze medalist. If it’s a “pure” Medal Count, it will be three different individuals.

Candy Boy

Made illegal under Hammurabi’s Code. The ban has stuck. I can’t even talk about it. Really. I’m probably already in trouble.

Uncle Sigh

A name for the limp, joyless masturbation sessions enjoyed by creepy uncles following the “Candy Boy” ban.

Vinceremos

Latin for “overcome,” Vinceremos can refer to any sexual act resulting in an undue or unanticipated amount of squirting.

Harry’s Holiday

When Harry Potter engages in an Intense Holiday at the Auror’s Office.

Commanding Curve

When — you guessed it — a man with a penis featuring at least 30 degrees of curvature commands his flaccid genitals to fully-curved mast.

Pablo Del Monte

This one was originally just called the “Pablo,” which, of course, refers to any sexual act between a pool boy and a MILF. Food company Del Monte purchased naming rights in the late 1970s in a horribly misguided marketing campaign.

Social Inclusion

An orgy. But not just any orgy. We’re talking an enormous orgy. The kind of orgy that men write songs about. 210 person minimum, no shit.

Big Bazinga

Spending some quality time affectionately vroom-vroomming a pair of hefty hubba hubbas.