God Has Sent Another Jaguars-Titans Primetime Game to Punish Us For Our Sins

November 19, 2015 / by / 0 Comment

Last year, the world was shaken to its core when the Jacksonville Jaguars and Tennessee Titans squared off at 8:30pm EST on a Thursday night, a time slot which contains no other professional football games, leaving NFL fans with ostensibly no choice but to watch the two worst teams in the NFL hash out 60 eternal minutes of middle-school caliber football. It was just as terrible as everyone had predicted, and it’s happening again tonight.

There is really no way to overstate how bad this match-up is. It’s not a rivalry, because both teams are garbage; neither has won a Super Bowl (the Jaguars have never been at all). Tennessee’s high watermark as a franchise was a touchdown off an incredibly dubious lateral that helped them beat the Buffalo Bills and advance to a Super Bowl that they would lose in heartbreaking fashion. Jacksonville’s high watermark as a franchise was getting a pool in their stadium.

This match-up is like Art Garfunkel cloning himself, his evil clone murdering Paul Simon, and the two Art Garfunkels competing in a one-on-one sing-off at the VMAs limited only to Beach Boys covers. This match-up is like Lebron James reserving airtime on every major network, then using the airtime to livestream an entire hour of Morley Safer cross-examining Miss South Carolina 2007 on the manifestations of Joseph Schumpeter’s economic theories in today’s global economy. This match-up is like watching Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather face off in a historic fight, then the video buffering every time Floyd Mayweather is about to get punched in the face.

Usually it is a miracle that suddenly converts someone to believe in a higher power. In this case, it is a catastrophe that has led me to have no doubts that there is a God — one who is either malevolent in nature or brimming with wrath at the actions of mankind. The natural oddities and coincidences of nature have produced some remarkable and bizarre things (see: Too Many Cooks), but no random sequence of fates could ever have led to two consecutive years of this miscarriage of justice happening during coveted television airtime.

It must follow, then, that we have likely done something to anger this great being above. After all, this particular television event closely resembles an excerpt of Jonathan Edwards’ Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God:

“There is no Fortress that is any Defence from the Power of God. Tho’ Hand join in Hand, and vast Multitudes of God’s Enemies combine and associate themselves, they are easily broken in Pieces: They are as great Heaps of light Chaff before the Whirlwind; or large Quantities of dry Stubble before devouring Flames. We find it easy to tread on and crush a Worm that we see crawling on the Earth; so ‘tis easy for us to cut or singe a slender Thread that any Thing hangs by; thus easy is it for God when he pleases to cast his Enemies down to Hell.”

We could speculate for days about what we have done to anger God in this way. 25 U.S. state governors requesting the cessation of the settlement of Syrian refugees is certainly a good place to start. Notre Dame’s current positioning to advance to the College Football Playoffs likely has a hand in it as well. And let’s not forget that Two Broke Girls is still on the air.

The point is that humanity needs to do better. Treat each other with kindness and warmth. Maybe next year, if we can turn this all around, the Jaguars-Titans match-ups will be relegated to their rightful place amidst a sea of watchable NFL games on a Sunday afternoon.