Fantasy Olympics: Score Update

February 16, 2014 / by , / 16 Comments

The 2014 Sochi Winter Olympic Games are more than halfway through, and like a weeklong Stoli bender they’ve been anything but predictable. While the field of our top fantasy teams narrows faster than Bob Costas’ eye, it’ll still be an exciting battle for a spot on the podium. The updated scores for National Ave’s Fantasy Olympic’s 2K14 (as of last night) are as follows:

First Place
Team: Michael Phelps’ Gravity Bong
Manager: Dan Ryan
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): United States of America (men), 0 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Sweden, 0 points
1 Biathlon Nation: Austria, 2 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Great Britain, 3 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Sweden (women), 0 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: Japan, 3 points
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Austria, 0 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Netherlands, 26 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Austria, 2 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: United States of America, 10 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Poland, 3 points
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Italy, 0 points
Total Points: 49
Analysis: Riding on the back of the Dutch takeover of Speed Skating, the Michael Phelps’ Gravity Bongs jumped out to an early lead. Assuming the Orange Crush continues in the upcoming Speed Skating events, looks for the MPGB to maintain their fantasy dominance.

Second Place
Team: Gays and Strays
Manager: Peter K.
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Finland (women), 0 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Germany, 5 points
1 Biathlon Nation: Belarus, 7 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Russia, 8 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Canada (men), 0 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: Canada, 4 points
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Switzerland, 0 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): United States of America, 0 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Slovenia, 3 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: Australia, 2 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Norway, 14 points
1 Nordic Combined Nation: United States of America, 0 points
Total Points: 43
Analysis: Thanks to some strategic pickups off the waiver wire, the Gays and Strays have performed admirably thus far in Sochi. Only six points separate these scrappy scoundrels from the leader and plenty of events remain, so look for a strong push for gold on the back of their Russian spluge.

Third Place
Team: Olympic Hyper-nationalism
Manager: Chandler Dutton
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Sweden (men), 0 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Norway, 1 point
1 Biathlon Nation: France, 7 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Austria, 2 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): China (women), 0 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: China, 0 points
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: China, 2 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): South Korea, 6 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Poland, 6 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: Austria, 0 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Sweden, 15 points
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Finland, 0 points
Total Points: 39 points
Analysis: Apparently the Swedes can do other things besides writing genre-bending pop songs or maintaining a policy of neutrality in World War II. Olympic Hyper-nationalism will need better production elsewhere if they want to maintain their place on the podium.

Fourth Place
Team: The Quintuple Cock-rings
Manager: Benn Myers
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Canada (women), 0 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Austria, 9 points
1 Biathlon Nation: United States, 0 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Jamaica, 0 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Canada (women), 0 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: South Korea, 0 points
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Canada, 14 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Russia, 9 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: United States of America, 0 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: Japan, 3 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: United States of America, 0 points
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Germany, 3 points
Total Points: 38
Analysis: Only one bronze medal separates The Quintuple Cock-Rings from the winner’s circle, so it’s any team’s game.

Fifth Place
Team: The Flying TOM-atoes haha
Manager: Tom Meyer
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Finlad (men), 0 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Switzerland, 7 points
1 Biathlon Nation: Sweden, 0 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: United States of America, 4 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Switzerland (men), 0 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: United States of America, 1 point
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: United States of America, 9 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Japan, 0 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Switzerland, 0 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: Finland, 2 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Switzerland, 6 points
1 Nordic Combined Nation: France, 0 points
Total Points: 29
Analysis: The only thing dumber than this team’s name is that they somehow jockeyed their way into fifth place. The Flying TOM-atoes haha need to make some major moves to remain competitive.

Sixth Place
Team: The Apolo Ohno Vag-Beards
Manager: Clyde Stuart
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Russia (men’s), 0 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: France, 0 points
1 Biathlon Nation: Germany, 2 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Germany, 14 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Norway (men’s), 0 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: Germany, 1 point
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Australia, 1 point
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Canada, 6 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Germany, 3 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: France, 0 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Russia, 0 points
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Austria, 0 points
Total Points: 27
Analysis: Like The Flying TOM-atoes haha, The Apolo Ohno Vag-Beards need something big (like, Brezhnev’s eyebrows big) to have a chance of making the medal podium. They rode the German spluge gravy-train to success, but that seems unlikely to be replicated this upcoming week.

Seventh Place
Team: DostoyevSKI
Manager: Ann Bruton
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): United States of America (women), 0 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Italy, 3 points
1 Biathlon Nation: Norway, 5 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Canada, 0 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Great Britain (men), 0 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: Russia, 8 points
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Norway, 0 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Italy, 3 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Japan, 2 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: Canada, 1 point
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Germany, 1 point
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Japan, 2 points
Total Points: 25
Analysis: Team DostoyevSKI certainly came to play for this Fantasy Olympics, but at this point they seem to have about as much luck as Dmitri Karamazov.

Eighth Place
Team: The Yellin’ Yeltsins
Manager: Stephen Rees
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Canada (men), 0 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: United States of America, 1 point
1 Biathlon Nation: Finland, 0 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Switzerland, 0 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Denmark (men), 0 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: Austria, 0 points
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: France, 0 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): China, 11 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Finland, 0 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: Switzerland, 3 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Finland, 2 points
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Norway, 1 point
Total Points: 18
Analysis: I never liked the Winter Olympics anyways. At least when my fantasy football team blows it, I know that it’s my fault for drafting Andy Dalton. Here? Like the Yellin’ Yeltsins’ namesake, I wish I knew what went so wrong.