Fantasy Olympics: Medal Ceremony

February 25, 2014 / by , / 29 Comments

The 2014 Sochi Winter Olympic Games are over, and oh what games they were. Like pink eye or a communist totalitarian regime, the Winter Olympics disappeared as rapidly as Sochi’s dog population. And while the closing moments of the Olympic ceremonies marked the end of the international competition, they also represented the terminus of something much more dear to our withered hearts: Fantasy Olympics.

It seems like only yesterday that we were mocking Dan Ryan for drafting a curling team in the first round. Now he’s the one to laugh as he stands high atop the medal podium, bestowed with his yogurt-top medal and the passive-aggressive Facebook comments of his fellow competitors while Mr. Ryan’s anthem plays for all star-struck spectators to hear. The rush of victory lives but for a moment, but the taste of glory lingers for a lifetime. The final scores for National Ave’s Fantasy Olympic’s 2K14 are as follows:

Gold Medalist
Team: Michael Phelps’ Gravity Bong
Manager: Dan Ryan
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): United States of America (men), 0 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Sweden, 0 points
1 Biathlon Nation: Austria, 3 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Great Britain, 3 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Sweden (women), 2 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: Japan, 3 points
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Austria, 0 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Netherlands, 47 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Austria, 4 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: United States of America, 11 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Poland, 3 points
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Italy, 0 points
Total Points: 76
Analysis: Pass that Dutch. The Netherlands’ speed-skating team dominated these Olympics, scoring more points than the entire points garnered by The Flying TOM-atoes haha’s and catapulting the Michael Phelps’ Gravity Bongs to the top of the heap. We’re not going to say this victory was deserved, but kudos are certainly due for the crafty pick.

Silver Medalist
Team: The Quintuple Cock-rings
Manager: Benn Myers
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Canada (women), 3 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Austria, 19 points
1 Biathlon Nation: United States, 0 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Jamaica, 0 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Canada (women), 3 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: South Korea, 2 points
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Canada, 21 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Russia, 16 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: United States of America, 0 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: Japan, 5 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: United States of America, 0 points
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Germany, 6 points
Total Points: 75
Analysis: A strong second half thrust The Quintuple Cock-rings from outside the winner’s circle straight to silver. The only thing more agonizing than their one-point loss, however, is the knowledge that choosing literally anybody besides the Jamaican spluge team could have brought The Quintuple Cock-rings endless Olympic glory.

Bronze Medalist
Team: Gays and Strays
Manager: Peter K.
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Finland (women), 0 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Germany, 6 points
1 Biathlon Nation: Belarus, 10 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Russia, 14 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Canada (men), 3 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: Canada, 6 points
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Switzerland, 0 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): United States of America, 2 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Slovenia, 3 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: Australia, 2 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Norway, 23 points
1 Nordic Combined Nation: United States of America, 0 points
Total Points: 69
Analysis: The Gays and Strays did what they had to in order to maintain in medal contention, settling for a well-earned bronze. But if we’re really being honest here, we can all probably agree that if you’re not first you’re last.

ALSO RAN

Fourth Place
Team: Olympic Hyper-nationalism
Manager: Chandler Dutton
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Sweden (men), 2 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Norway, 5 point
1 Biathlon Nation: France, 9 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Austria, 2 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): China (women), 0 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: China, 0 points
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: China, 3 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): South Korea, 15 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Poland, 6 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: Austria, 4 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Sweden, 20 points
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Finland, 0 points
Total Points: 66 points
Analysis: Fortune is a wench with a heart as cold as Putin’s demeanor and as conniving as an international figure skating judge. Despite performing well, Olympic Hyper-nationalism didn’t quite have what it took to finish strong, and barely fell out of medal contention.

Fifth Place
Team: The Yellin’ Yeltsins
Manager: Stephen Rees
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Canada (men), 3 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: United States of America, 10 point
1 Biathlon Nation: Finland, 0 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Switzerland, 2 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Denmark (women), 0 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: Austria, 0 points
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: France, 9 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): China, 16 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Finland, 0 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: Switzerland, 8 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Finland, 7 points
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Norway, 9 points
Total Points: 64
Analysis: Do you believe in miracles? YES!!! Scoring 46 points in less than a week, the Yellin’ Yeltsins clawed out of the cellar to make a last-minute push for a medal. Although a spot on the podium remained elusive, the team nonetheless earned the pride and respect of the international community for its daring comeback. STARTED FROM THE BOTTOM NOW WE HERE!!

Sixth Place
Team: The Apolo Ohno Vag-Beards
Manager: Clyde Stuart
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): Russia (men’s), 0 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: France, 3 points
1 Biathlon Nation: Germany, 4 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Germany, 14 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Norway (men’s), 0 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: Germany, 1 point
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Australia, 3 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Canada, 9 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Germany, 6 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: France, 4 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Russia, 10 points
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Austria, 1 point
Total Points: 56
Analysis: The Apolo Ohno Vag-Beards needed something big in the second week but failed to advance their positioning beyond sixth place. That’s what you get for siding with the Germans.

Seventh Place
Team: DostoyevSKI
Manager: Ann Bruton
1 Hockey Team (men or women’s): United States of America (women), 2 points
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Italy, 3 points
1 Biathlon Nation: Norway, 13 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: Canada, 3 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Great Britain (men), 2 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: Russia, 12 points
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: Norway, 0 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Italy, 4 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Japan, 3 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: Canada, 3 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Germany, 1 point
1 Nordic Combined Nation: Japan, 2 points
Total Points: 48
Analysis: Team DostoyevSKI better start writing notes from underground, because they never made it out of the cellar. Although the team gets consolation points for being the only competitor to only choose one category that didn’t score any points, we also suspect that they’re responsible for bribing the judges in Adelina Sotnikova‘s favor.

Eighth Place
Team: The Flying TOM-atoes haha
Manager: Tom Meyer
1 Hockey Team (men or women): Finland (men), 1 point
1 Alpine Skiing Nation: Switzerland, 7 points
1 Biathlon Nation: Sweden, 0 points
1 Sbluge (skeleton, bobsled, and luge) Nation: United States of America, 9 points
1 Curling Team (men’s OR women’s): Switzerland (men), 0 points
1 Figure Skating Nation: United States of America, 4 points
1 Freestyle Skiing Nation: United States of America, 15 points
1 Speed Skating Nation (short-track AND regular): Japan, 0 points
1 Ski Jumping Nation: Switzerland, 0 points
1 Snowboarding Nation: Finland, 2 points
1 Cross-Country Skiing Nation: Switzerland, 6 points
1 Nordic Combined Nation: France, 0 points
Total Points: 44
Analysis: Hahaha. Hahahahahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Even the Olympic Pedo-Bear is shedding a solitary tear for you.