A Comprehensive Guide to Tonight’s NFL Season Opener (Seattle vs. Green Bay)
Well, we’ve finally made it. It was a long, treacherous off-season of pretending to give two fucks about which team was going to draft Blake Bortles (hint: it was the terrible one) because we were so desperate for some distant taste of football. And now, after waiting patiently through a preseason in which the most exciting moment was a hand gesture, we’ve finally arrived at the NFL season opener. Football is back, everyone.
The Seattle Seahawks are the reigning Super Bowl champions, as any insufferable prick (or, as they like to be called, “Seattle Native”) has probably informed you by now. They have a lot of momentum coming into this season. But you know who else from Seattle once had a lot of momentum? Macklemore.1 And now everyone hates him. So let’s not jump to conclusions about Seattle’s future.
The Green Bay Packers are also reigning champions. Not reigning Super Bowl champions, granted, but reigning champions of being the most intolerable fans alive. Packers fans are so implausibly obnoxious that many theoretical physicists doubt that they actually exist in our dimension. The Packers have had a dominant offense for the last several years and have been a perennial threat, even winning the Super Bowl in 2010, and there is not a single Packers fan alive who will let you forget that. Thanks to the mortifying cesspool of despair known as the NFC North, they got into the playoffs last year on an 8-7-1 record, which is the equivalent of getting into Harvard with a 2.5 GPA and a 19 on your SAT because only three other people applied from your state and all three of them happen to be repeat felons who got lobotomies at an early age and for some fucking reason Harvard INSISTS on taking someone from every state, even though taking someone from this particular state means denying a spot to someone with a 3.9 GPA and the best rushing defense in the entire fucking league.
Aaron Rodgers is the starting quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. You might recognize him from a commercial you probably really hate. He also made headlines recently for showing up to a team meeting wearing all denim, just in case there was a fucking shred of doubt that this man lives in Wisconsin. All this being said, he is easily one of the best quarterbacks in the league, even though he missed much of last season due to a collarbone injury.
Clay Matthews is a star linebacker for the Green Bay Packers who spends his spare time reminding us that, in the grand temporal spectrum of this universe, neanderthals actually walked the Earth fairly recently.
Eddie Lacy is the starting running back of the Green Bay Packers. Straight out of the “University” of Alabama, his performance with the Packers last year earned him the honor of Offensive Rookie of the Year.
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix is a rookie safety for the Green Bay Packers whose name is, honest to God, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix.
Marshawn Lynch is the starting running back of the Seattle Seahawks. His nicknames include “Beast Mode” (a name derived from this ridiculous play) and “Skittles” (a name derived from his publicly avowed love of the candy, because apparently he’s six years old). But we generally try not to be too tough on Marshawn, since he had to play four seasons at Buffalo.
Mike McCarthy is the head coach of the Green Bay Packers. He’s not a particularly interesting guy.
Percy Harvin is a star wide receiver on the Seattle Seahawks. Offensive Rookie of the Year in 2009, Harvin got traded to the Seahawks from Minnesota just last year, then was injured for most of the season, until he came back in November, then immediately got injured again. Moral of the story, make jokes about Percy Harvin being fragile. Everyone will love them.
Pete Carroll is the head coach of the Seattle Seahawks. He got national fame when he restored the greatness of USC’s football programs through good coaching and a decent amount of cheating.
Richard Sherman is a star cornerback for the Seattle Seahawks and the cover player on Madden 2015. Sherman made a name for himself after last year’s NFC Championship when he shouted about how awesome he was to millions of viewers. Note: Not to be confused with Richard Sherman, avant-garde artist in the 4th season of Friday Night Lights.
Russell Wilson is the sophomore starting quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks, widely respected for having led the Seahawks to a Super Bowl victory in just his second season in the NFL. His nickname is “The Escape Artist” because of his tendency to deftly avoid sacks, but also because he once performed The Houdini on Coach Bret Bielema’s frail, elderly grandmother during his tenure at the University of Wisconsin.