5 Reasons Why the 2015 NFL Season Will Be Terrible

December 30, 2014 / by / 1 Comment

Now that the 2014 regular season is complete, and 75% of the teams in the playoffs are actually impossible to like, we might as well begin looking to the 2015 NFL season. At least, that’s what I thought, until I realized next year is probably going to terrible and we’re going to hate it. Here’s why.

The AFC South and NFC South Have Non-Conference Match-Ups

Every four years, I get really excited about the Summer Olympics. Every year preceding the Summer Olympics, the AFC South and NFC South play each other. I see it as the price I must pay to have something I like.

Let’s put this into perspective. In addition to the abomination that is the annual home-and-home series between the Jacksonville Jaguars and Tennessee Titans, we will also see both of those teams play the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I’ll reiterate: Among the three worst teams of 2014, there will be four games. And that doesn’t even take into account the fact that we’ll also have to watch those teams play the Falcons, Saints and Panthers, all of whom are — you guessed it! — really, really bad at football. These two divisions alone will taint the NFL season with 22 games between teams with losing records in 2014. The upcoming AFC South-NFC South showdown represents the least exciting collision of irrelevant sadsacks since the 1988 presidential election.

All The Teams You Hate Are Good

At this point, we’re all desensitized to the depressing reality that the Patriots are a perennial powerhouse. It’s sad, because Bill Belichick’s personality fits the bill of one of the less interesting Bond villain sidekicks, and Rob Gronkowski takes selfies with both porn stars and kittens, and Tom Brady is, for lack of any other word that appropriately describes him, a little bitch. But at least we’re used to it.

The Cowboys, however? The Cowboys have been so mediocre for the past few years that we’ve almost forgotten how intolerable they are. But they’re back with a vengeance, and now we’re remembering why we can’t stand them: Because they still call themselves “America’s Team,” even though they have about as much claim to the title as the Seattle Sounders. Because there are 7 million people in the Dallas-Fort Worth metro area, and not a single one of them has smothered Jerry Jones in his sleep. Because Troy Aikman is about as objective as Bill Maher in the commentator booth. When the Cowboys were middling, we could just ignore them. Now that they’re in the playoffs again, the throngs of Cowboys bandwagoners will emerge from the woodwork like fucking goblins in the Mines of Moria, assailing us with strident screeches about the longevity of Emmitt Smith’s career and the confusing notion that Cowboys’ cheerleaders are a cornerstone of American culture.

But let’s not forget the Seahawks. The Seahawks were a likable underdog last year, boasting an incredible defense, a charismatic quarterback, and a coach who is a 9/11 truther chill. Then they won the Super Bowl, and now their fans are convinced that they’re the best fans in the world and insist on reminding you at every possible opportunity. Just wait, “12th men.” Seattle will have a losing season and you will abandon the Seahawks as quickly as you abandoned Macklemore. For now, though, we’re going to have to suffer through another year of Washingtonians pretend they care about something that isn’t the hipster music scene.

Jameis Winston Exists

The hype surrounding Johnny Manziel’s entrance into the NFL was bad enough, and Johnny Manziel didn’t rape people and steal things. Jameis Winston is as odious as he is obnoxious, and he’s going to be a high-profile draft pick, so we’re going to hear about him a lot. Then he’s going to get drafted and probably start games. It’s going to be a fucking nightmare. The least we can hope for is that he gets drafted early, tanks, gets arrested, and is never heard from again, a la Ryan Leaf.

Someone else is probably going to surface as a felon

I’d put good money on this one, too. We’ll have another Adrian Peterson or Ray Rice, except this time, it’ll probably an athlete everyone really respects, like J.J. Watt or Aaron Rodgers. This isn’t me being cynical or even speculative, just playing the odds. All we can really hope for is that it will be Jameis Winston.

No More Jim Harbaugh

I think Jim Harbaugh is an outrageous prick as much as the next guy, but watching him on the sidelines is about as entertaining as it gets. I’ve seen angry chimpanzees at the show hold their shit together better than Harbaugh. There have been times I’ve actually wondered if he was donated at a young age to a psych experiment that showed a group of young children that over-memed excerpt from Downfall every day and evaluated their behavioral composure as they grew up. Watching 49ers games won’t be the same without eager cutaways to the sideline every time any call goes against them followed by the ensuing shit-flipping courtesy of a grown-ass man.