World Series Matchup Preview: The Good, The Bad, and The Mets
It’s that time of the year again: The sun is setting earlier, Joe Buck has inexplicably grown a beard, and Cubs fans are once more dejected in October. That’s right — it’s time once again for the greatest televised event to focus its advertising dollars outside of the 18-to-34 year-old demographic, the World Series!
Before the Kansas City Paul Rudd’s face off against the New York Murphypolitans, here’s our expert breakdown of each team’s strengths and weaknesses:
Kansas City: Besides being the city with the 6th most famous barbecue, all anybody seems to reference on TV is their goddamn fountains.1 If you didn’t know that Rome is the only city with more fountains than Kansas City before Game 5, you definitely will after Ken Rosenthal mentions it for the 26th time.
New York: Did you know that there are no alleys in Manhattan? It’s true. Real estate has always been stupid valuable there (except for that one time it was worth $24), so to maximize revenue they put zero spaces between buildings. That’s why New Yorkers put their trash out on their front stoops. There’s literally nowhere else to put it. These are the people who chose money over not having their city smell like actual hot garbage. Sure, amongst all of that literally zero free space are some pretty dope buildings. However, a fair amount of the coolest buildings in New York charge you to enter. One Kansas City Place may be half the size of the Empire State Building and look like the product of the world’s least inventive Lego builder, but at least you won’t need to donate your sperm or eggs to afford to get inside.
Advantage: Kansas City. Fountains are cool, and so is competent urban planning.
Kansas City: Aside from Johnny Cueto’s flowing locks and a few beards that management hasn’t yet forced to be trimmed back to a tight shave, this is a clean cut crew. It’s a team that lets its five o’clock shadow grow out while waking up in the early morning to head down to the mill, and might drink a Coors or two down by the river — but they’re also god fearing people who show up to church on Sundays and go to their barber every three weeks. All of their barbers are named Jerry. All of their children are named Joe, James, or Kendrys Jr. At least half of them support Trump’s bid for presidency, if only because they like somebody who shoots from the hip and says what he wants. All of the Royals moved to Overland Park for the schools, and are excited to take their wives on a work vacation to New York City. They are real Americans with plain ole American hair.
New York: Like angelic descendants of Vikings or beautiful extras in the battle of Minas Tirith, the Mets pitching staff features some of the most glorious hair you may have ever encountered while watching TBS (looking at you, reruns of Home Improvement).
In an attempt to rebirth the ghosts of 80’s past, the Mets pitching staff has fashioned itself into a hair metal band with less makeup and more uncomfortable stares.2
Advantage: The clean-shorn, blue-collar, respectable-looking young hardworking men from Kansas City. Get these goddamn hippies a haircut, this isn’t early 2000s Dallas basketball.
But most importantly this:
— MLB GIFS (@MLBGIFs) September 27, 2015
Advantage: Nobody’s touching Bartolo Colon here. Not even a guy who looks like he’s on Bartolo Colon’s spring training diet.
Kansas City: Paul Rudd, Miami Marlins man.
New York: Jerry Seinfeld, Jon Stewart, Anthony Weiner, Pizza Rat.
Advantage: Kansas City. Because everybody loves Paul Rudd. And fuck Jerry Seinfeld. YEAH, WE SAID IT. We get it, Jerry. White guys love getting coffee and talking self-indulgently about their careers. BUT WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH PEOPLE STILL CARING ABOUT YOUR SCHTICK?
Kansas City: It should not be difficult to have a better mascot than Mr. “But if that’s his head then what does his penis look like? What do his nipples look like?” Met. But if you make your mascot a vaguely anthropomorphic cross breed of a lion, a human, a crown, and a criminally negligent homewrecker, you might be in for trouble.
New York: A man with a baseball for a head, because creativity is hard.
Advantage: At least Mr. Met has a loving and committed relationship to Mrs. Met… Sluggerrr? Not so much.
Kansas City: On the outside they seem nice and mild-mannered, but on the inside brews a poisonous mixture of passive-aggressiveness, denial, whole milk, and stubbornness that will break a man half of Mike Moustakas’ size and stature.
New York: Do you like to complain about your beleaguered status as a tortured fan base, despite making the World Series 5 times and winning twice so far? Do you also like to entertain delusions of grandeur, despite supporting a franchise that’s younger than Barack Obama and less storied than the two more successful franchises that left New York for the loving warmth of California? Do you also feel like camouflage is severely underutilized in modern American alternative sports uniforms, and derive untold joy from shouting about train lines that are named after numbers or letters? If so, then this team’s for you.
Advantage: Midwest-nice over New York-general-disregard-of-human-life.
Overall Advantage: Kansas City, because even being a second-tier Midwest city is better than being a garbage city.