WHERE ARE THE BODIES, BILL? Impatiently Waiting for Bill Simmons’ Oh-So-Necessary ESPN Hatchet Job

May 09, 2015 / by / 2 Comments

ESPN’s head skipper, John Skipper, has unceremoniously fired Bill Simmons – possibly without warning (UPDATE: Definitely without warning). The news has sent shockwaves through the sports journalism community, with countless pieces discussing what triggered the (imminent) firing, where Bill Simmons will go from here, and how John Skipper must surely know he looks like a giant penis.1 While all of these are important, relevant questions, there is only one question that truly matters right now:

WHERE ARE THE MOTHERFUCKING BODIES?????

For years, ESPN has overpaid a bevy of assholes, shitbags, assfaces, and starfuckers who do nothing useful beyond walking the company line and shitting all over anyone who dare question their “journalistic integrity.”2 The company has persistently given airtime to the loudest, dumbest people in any room, and silenced every person who dare insinuate, “Hey, that person is dumb!”

Bill Simmons, while not the picture of intelligence and wit he once was,3 has been the most prominent figure to draw attention to this assholery – and he was punished for it. FUN FACT: Bill Simmons was suspended for three weeks for questioning Roger Gooddell’s integrity during the Ray Rice domestic abuse case; Stephen A. Smith was suspended for one week for essentially saying “Women get abused are asking for it.” Yeah. Let’s just think about that.

However, despite being a distraction at ESPN (i.e. Speaking his mind), Simmons had retained his high-profile position with the company through pioneering some of ESPN’s most enlightening, engaging content of the last five years – shaping the 30 for 30 series and single-handedly birthing Grantland.4

Now, in the wake of Simmons questioning the strength of Roger Goodell’s balls, John Skipper has decided the perpetual thorn in his penis-shaped side is no longer worth the trouble. He has publicly proclaimed that Bill Simmons has outlived his usefulness, and publicly fired him five months before the planned expiration of his contract. He disrespected Simmons. He violated workplace integrity. He (potentially) cost Simmons millions.5

It’s time.

Bill, we know you have it in you. The information is there. Your frustration is mounting. Whatever non-disclosure agreement ESPN forced you to sign has to expire eventually. LET THE BODIES HIT FLOOR.

It’s time we knew the truth. It’s time somebody revealed the corporate partnership fuckery that shielded Roger Goodell from being smeared like the piece of shit he is. It’s time we find out all of the despicable things Skip Bayless has said that never made the air. It’s time we find out what ballgag Colin Cowherd uses when he auto-erotically asphyxiates himself while listening to his disgusting opinions about John Wall’s upbringing. It is finally time.

Bill Simmons’ firing raises a lot of important questions. The answers to some of these questions will come soon, and others not at all. But regardless of where Bill Simmons signs his next fat paycheck or how long ESPN corporate brass will circle-jerk during their celebration of Simmons’ departure, there is only one thing the public needs to know right now:

[Batman Voice] WHERE ARE THE BODIES?!?