The Indisputable Ranking of the DeAndre Jordan Emoji Battle Tweets
As of Thursday at Midnight, DeAndre Jordan became the 3,940,090,768th person in the world to realize moving to Dallas is a terrible idea.
In a dramatic turn of events, the NBA First-Team All-Defensive center spurned the Dallas Mavericks and real-life Entourage caricature Mark Cuban to re-sign with the Los Angeles Clippers, despite having “verbally agreed” to sign with the Mavericks several days prior.1 Like any major business decision in the 21st century, this multi-million dollar change of heart was accompanied by an emoji battle. This wasn’t just any emoji battle though. This was the emoji battle to end all NBA emoji battles, featuring planes, trains, and goddamn banana boats. Yeah, BANANA BOATS. While there will be endless debate about the winners and losers of Jordan’s decision, the only important question is “Who Won the Emoji Wars?”
Here’s the definitive, indisputable ranking of the Jordan-gate emoji tweets:
Last Place for Eternity:
— Cleveland Browns (@Browns) July 8, 2015
Who the fuck let the intern on the computer? Damnit Cleveland. YOU DON’T USE EMOJIS THAT CONTAIN FULL WORDS. THAT’S THE ENTIRE REASON WHY EMOJIS EXIST.
Fun Fact: The Clippers signed Paul Pierce so they could have someone in the locker room to regale them with stories about what it was like to play against Wilt Chamberlain. The only thing sadder than the 37-year-old small forward’s inability to use a smartphone is the fact that it probably took Pierce four times as long to find a picture of an emoji, save it on his phone, then ask his daughters how to upload the picture onto “The Interwebs.”
Is this an emoji? No. Is it a picture of an emoji? No. Point Stephenson.
……. — Austin Rivers (@AustinRivers25) July 8, 2015
Austin Rivers’ twitter game is exactly like his basketball skills: You feel like he should be better than he is, but then you remember, “Oh right, it’s Austin Rivers. lol.” Rivers ranks above Stephenson and Pierce for actually using an emoji, but that’s about all the credit he gets for this strangely cryptic pairing.
☀️✌️ — Tyson Chandler (@tysonchandler) July 9, 2015
Former Maverick Tyson Chandler kept it short and sweet with this simple “Peace out, I’m joining the Western Conference’s perpetual front-runner for Most Likely to Be Surprisingly Good then Spontaneously Combust” message.
— Chandler Parsons (@ChandlerParsons) July 8, 2015
In retrospect, Parsons’ tweet is the saddest one of all. Dallas’ resident try-hard let the world know he was putting himself on the line for his potential bro, only to unlock a world of fire he was nowhere near ready to handle.
Former Clipper Corey Maggette may have erred by using actual words, but we’ve got to give credit for willingness to break out every form of transportation.
— JJ Redick (@JJRedick) July 8, 2015
Simple. Elegant. Good job, JJ.
✈️ — Blake Griffin (@blakegriffin32) July 8, 2015
Griffin perfectly balances urgency with rational means of transportation.
— Jordan (@Jumpman23) July 8, 2015
YOU HEAR THAT, YOUNGINS? OLD MAN MJ KNOWS HOW TO PLAY YOUR TWITTER GAMES. Stop reading tweets and READ THE RINGS!
Though Kobe was a little slow on the uptake at first, he manages to tell a pretty complex story with his emoji choice — with rising action, a climax, falling action, and a resolution. Kobe unlocks his trophy case, shows you his championships, locks the case, and then takes a nap. I smell an Oscar-winning movie.
— Jordan (@Jumpman23) July 8, 2015
— Baron Davis (@Baron_Davis) July 8, 2015
Baron Davis perfectly summed up what every former Clipper wants to do now that Los Angeles’ former second-fiddle franchise is finally forking over money to win: “I’d like to shit on you.”
— Chris Paul (@CP3) July 8, 2015