The Five Best Sports Reasons to Set Things on Fire
The discovery of fire will forever be the most significant technological progression for man.1 It signifies man’s triumph over nature, and allowed humanity to safely consume beef like real fucking Americans.
However, as the first American citizen, Jesus, said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Fire’s power can do tremendous good, but it can also cause terrible harm. Therefore, its force must only be used for the most important life events — like honoring the results of sports games.
Here are the five-sports related reasons to set something on fire:
- Your Favorite Team Won
Fuck yeah! Your favorite team won! This is so fucking exciting! This is such an amazing accomplishment, you HAVE to burn something! Like, if you can’t honor one of your favorite team’s greatest triumphs of the season what the fuck else are you going to use fire for? NOTHING. This is the best reason to set something on fire, no doubt about it.
- Your Favorite Team Lost
What a bunch of bullshit! Your favorite team lost! That’s so fucking stupid. This is a horrible thing, and the ONLY way to mourn this tragedy is to burn something to the ground. A sports loss is the equivalent of being a viking whose friend died, which means you pretty much HAVE burn whatever you see until all of your sadness is gone. This is undeniably the most justifiable reason for setting something on fire, no question.
- Your Favorite Team Had a Tie Game, and It Was a Bad Thing
Ugh! Your favorite team tied another team, and it was such a bad thing! Your favorite team was clearly better than the other team, and if the dumb rules would have allowed the game to continue, your team would’ve obviously won. In order to protest this ridiculous result, you MUST burn something. There aren’t a lot of good reasons to light property on fire, but this is one-hundred percent the most justifiable one.
- Your Favorite Team Had a Tie Game, and It Was a Good Thing
Phew! Your favorite team tied another team, and it was such a relief! That team definitely would have won if the game went on any longer, so it’s great that your favorite team was able to sneak out with a tie score! This sort of great fortune DEMANDS that you light something on fire as an act of gratitude to the universe. Nothing demonstrates respect for good luck like burning the shit out of some garbage, so starting a fire is your only option here!
- Your Team Didn’t Play a Game Today
What?!?! No sports for your favorite team today? That’s RIDICULOUS! All of the sports decision-makers need to know that your favorite team should’ve been playing today, so you HAVE TO light a massive fire to get their attention. You should probably just burn down an entire forest to make sure everyone knows how badly you wanted to see your favorite team play sports today. It’s the only thing you can do.