Donald Trump is actually fucking beating Hillary in the polls. Time to freak the living shit out.

Trump’s up in the polls. Let’s freak the fuck out.

July 25, 2016 / by / 0 Comment

It’s happening. Donald Trump leads Hillary Clinton in the race for president, according to a whole shit ton of polls released after the GOP convention. He’s up one in the CBS News poll. Up four in the LA Times polls. Up FIVE FUCKING POINTS in the newest CNN poll.

In other words, it’s time for a good old fashioned freak out. For those who had the foresight to enter a medically-induced coma for the past month, here’s the situation:

  1. The FBI Director says Hillary was “extremely careless” with emails that contained confidential material, but decides not to lock her up.
  2. Republicans hold their convention and spend four days chanting “lock her up,” almost definitely about Hillary (she is inexplicably still not locked up).
  3. Wikileaks publishes emails sent by members of the Democratic National Committee during the primary, which show the DNC favored Hillary and were generally pieces of shit to Bernie Sanders. (It turns out that Putin probably stole the emails and gave them to Wikileaks because this is 2016 and why the fuck not.)
  4. Donald Trump leads in the polls.
  5. Democracy is a failed experiment.

Fortunately, I’m a seasoned pro at freaking the fuck out during election seasons. Remember when Obama fell asleep during the first debate in 2012? I set a truck on fire that night just to feel something.1 So yeah, I know what I’m talking about. Here’s how the process goes.

First, you try to rationalize everything. Candidates always get a convention bounce, Trump’s lead will fade! Democrats haven’t even had their convention yet, Hillary will get a nice bounce too. Trump had lots of extra room to improve with Republicans, but he didn’t do much to win over moderates. This works for up to three and three-quarters minutes, at which point you see a poll that has Hillary at 37 PERCENT in fucking NEW HAMPSHIRE and it all goes straight to hell.

Next, you get motivated. Hell yeah I’ll donate $10 more to Hillary’s campaign to get my free Clinton-Kaine bumper sticker. That outta do the trick. Hell, maybe I’ll download that new app they said will fix things. Alright, I’ve done my part. Feelin better here. But while you’re on her campaign site you head over to the apparel shop and find this monstrosity. Things really hit rock bottom.

Third, it’s time to second-guess EVERYTHING. If only Liz Warren had run. Or if Hillary had won in 2008 and Obama was running now. Or if Al Gore had won in 2000 and Tipper was just ending her second term. God damnit, why didn’t we just nominate Kennedy in 1980? WHY DID JFK HAVE TO GET SHOT? WHY DID GEORGE WASHINGTON INVENT STUPID DEMOCRACY ANYWAY? This should get you nice and worked up. That’s good. That’s where you want to be.

Now it’s time for the final step: yell about things on Twitter. You should be good and mad by now and I know I didn’t explicitly say to, but I’m assuming you’ve been drinking alone in your room while you followed these steps. Now’s the time to fire up your typing hands and get going:

  • Polls showing #Trump up are SKEWED. undercounted minority turnout, HRC will win by 20+
  • If CORPORATE MEDIA focused on Trump #taxreturns like they do on Hillary email faux-scandal, he wud b down in polls too
  • BERNIE MUST GET HIS PEOPLE IN LINE. he’s not even a real democrat!!
  • @DWSTweets this is YOUR FAULT. Delay convention until rite b4 election. If Hillary’s still losing, nominate Bernie instead!!!
  • .@shaunking dumb you’re dumb stop it dumb
  • Totally misogynistic that polls say Hillary is “going down”!! but will MEDIA ever call them out??

And now you’re done. You’ve fixed it all. Your hot takes got things turned around, and your freakout solved our problems. Trump is plummeting in the polls and Hillary will wrap things up by October.

Good job everyone. Can’t wait until a poll shows her up only two in Wisconsin and we can do this all again.