If Donald Trump was actually a world-famous billionaire, wouldn’t he have been using the secret billionaire’s club to hide his money?

Hot Takes In Your Area: The Panama Papers Prove Donald Trump Is A Terrible Businessman

April 05, 2016 / by / 0 Comment

The news this week that the world’s elite used a shady network of financial institutions to hide their money offshore came as a surprise to literally no one, except apparently the Icelandic pixie-people who emerged from their magical woodlands to oust a prime minister and giggle.

However, there were two shocking revelations to come out of the Panama Papers: 1) that the name of the firm ~allegedly~ managing this deception — Mossack Fonseca — is somehow more villainous than we could have imagined, and 2) Donald Trump’s name does not appear in the papers once.

And people, I know that this might seem like a good sign for Trump’s campaign but let me tell you: it is not.

Let’s start with the most obvious problem this poses for The Donald. He likes to claim he’s a multi-billionaire right? No one’s been able to prove that he actually has billions of dollars and he so far hasn’t been able to use his tiny little hands to pass along his tax returns, so we’re just supposed to take his word for it.

But here’s the thing: if he was actually a world-famous billionaire, wouldn’t he have been using the secret billionaire’s club to hide his money? It’s only logical to think that he doesn’t have enough money to even be included in their offshore shell company game.

But the next problem is even more troubling. Maybe Trump is that rich, but he’s just the kind of terrible businessman who doesn’t even know how to sock his money away in Panama, far from the prying eyes of the IRS. Could it be that he’s refusing to turn over his tax returns because he’s embarrassed by how much he ends up paying in taxes each year?

After all, if Trump is the kind of business genius he claims to be, he would be all over the Mossack Fonseca business. Hell, shouldn’t we expect him to be the one who came up with the idea in the first place? People, this is a guy who claims he’s got one of the world’s greatest IQ’s — so how did he miss this brilliant opportunity?

For a candidate who’s staked his campaign on the premise that he’ll bring the kind of business smarts we need in the White House, this is a pretty big miss. Unless Donald Trump can prove he actually was involved in some sort of other clandestine fraud, it’s gonna be pretty hard to convince good, honest Americans that this guy deserves our votes.

NOTE: Hot Takes In Your Area should be considered satire at all points unless you agree with it in which case it’s totally serious.