It's just too little too late for Old News Hillary. She may have the “delegate math” (

Hot Takes In Your Area: Bernie’s Got It In The Bag

March 10, 2016 / by / 0 Comment

NOTE: Hot Takes In Your Area should be considered satire at all points unless you agree with it in which case it’s totally serious.

People, if you’ve been watching the corporate-owned media the last few weeks, you’ve probably seen lots of stories about things like “delegate math” and “5-1 margins of victory” that have you all confused about the state of the Democratic Primary. Fortunately for those of us who get our news exclusively from US Uncut Facebook links, we know a simple truth: this election is over, and Bernie Sanders has it clinched.

Take a look at Tuesday night’s election, for instance. While Hillary was chasing meaningless votes in the south, Bernie racked up a dominant 49.8-48.3 shellacking of the famed Clinton machine in Michigan. That kind of performance in Michigan earned the Bern a delegate haul of nine more than Shillary earned there. Now I can already hear the lobbyist-funded “pundits” hollering away on Clinton News Network (CNN!) but the fact that she got +33 delegates in Mississippi is, as Sanders supporters helpfully note, totally irrelevant when you think about the kind of people who vote in Mississippi and across the south… Republicans! Why, what did you think I meant? 😉

Now I’m sure you’re gonna start talking about the superdelegates at some point, but people I have got to tell you the media narrative has this all wrong. The story shouldn’t be about how Hillary has hundreds of superdelegates, it should be about how Bernie, as a sitting senator, is a superdelegate himself. When it really comes down to it, do you think the superdelegates are going to vote for some woman who shouts too much, or do you think they’ll vote for one of their own who shouts the appropriate amount? Use your brains, sheeple.

Or, if that doesn’t work I think we can all agree that superdelegates are unethical and since I wasn’t paying attention in 2000 or 2004 or 2008 and am just hearing about them now, I am OUTRAGED. This is all that awful woman Debbie-Wasserman-Stalin-Schulz-’s fault, and we the people will not stand for it. Needless to say, there is a change.org petition out there somewhere that will put an end to this.

So as Bernie wraps things up, we need to start looking at the next state(s?) to vote. After his dominant performance in Michigan, it should be no surprise that I found a poll that showed him down just 10 in Ohio. I went to look for other polls to confirm this practically-almost-tied race, but couldn’t find a single site that aggregates and averages poll numbers. A friend recommended realclearpolitik.com and seventeenthirtyeight.com, but neither site worked.

No doubt, Hillary used her private server to destroy any polls she doesn’t like. And since I’m not gonna look into whether there are states besides Ohio voting next week, I think we can chalk this up to a Rubio special: winning by finishing last. Now if we had a true winner-take-all democracy, this strong second place showing would be enough to secure all of Ohio’s delegates for Bernie. Unfortunately, in Hillary’s rigged proportional system, she’ll still somehow get a chunk of delegates.

But that’s just too little too late for Old News Hillary. She may have the “delegate math” (<– see, I can use that term too!) on her side, but Bernie has the people! I mean, not the voters. But like, some of the voters. Ya know, the voters who actually matter: most rural counties in Michigan.