Handicapping the 2016 Presidential Candidates

January 29, 2014 / by / 15 Comments

Political correspondent Tom Meyer helps you evaluate the pros and cons of the potential leaders of the free world.

REPUBLICANS

Chris Christie

Nickname: “Big Fat Bully”

Why? Because he is a big person, his bodymass index is absolutely atrocious, and he has a very low level of concern for the wellbeing of other human beings.

Why he’ll win: Many Republican voters would like to win the White House in the 2016 election.

Why he won’t win: He touched the president. With his hand and everything.

Most applicable gif:

Favorite color: Blue, probably #rino

What happens when you Google him:

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Jeb Bush

Nickname: “Oh For God’s Sake, Not Another One”

Why? 1988-1992, 2000-2008

Why he’ll win: When he was born his father had the foresight to keep him and raise him under the family name. Also he speaks Spanish.

Why he won’t win: Oh for God’s sake, not another one. Also he speaks Spanish.

Most applicable gif:

Favorite airline: Spirit Airlines, probably

What happens when you Google him:

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Ted Cruz

Nickname: “HE’S GOT A GUN, RUN.”

Why? LIKE I’M PRETTY SURE HE’S ARMED.

Why he’ll win: HE’S POINTING THE GUN AT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

Why he won’t win: OH GOD, HE PULLED THE TRIGGER.

Most applicable gif:

Favorite noun: TEXAS.

What happens when you Google him:

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Rand Paul

Nickname: “I’m As Cool As My Dad, I Swear”

Why: I mean their names are practically the same and everything!

Why he’ll win: He has a Snapchat account.

Why he won’t win: He said my dick pics were “just okay.”

Most applicable gif:

Favorite movie:  A 12-hour stage adaptation of Atlas Shrugged with lengthy musical interludes.

What happens when you Google him:

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Mike Huckabee

Nickname: “I <3 Huckabee”

Why: He’s never seen the movie and just thinks people are being nice.

Why he’ll win: As a candidate with a laser focus on abortion, morality and gay marriage, he’s the perfect spokesman as the Republican Party re-emphasizes its openness and economic message.

Why he won’t win: People honestly don’t seem to vote for him very much.

Most applicable gif:

Favorite commandment: “Thou shalt only eat Subway”

What happens when you Google him:

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Paul Ryan

Nickname: “NEEEEERRRRRDDDDD.”

Why: Hahahah I bet he likes numbers.

Why he’ll win: Wait but holy shit those biceps.

Why he won’t win: Nah, nevermind still a neeeerrrrrrdddddd.

Most applicable gif:

Favorite drink at a bar: A nice glass of alcohol.

What happens when you Google him:

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Marco Rubio

Nickname: “We’re Not All White!”

Why: Look guys, we’ve got one!!

Why he’ll win: The other candidates might not run.

Why he won’t win: Awwww, is Marco a widdle thirsty? Need some water? Want a sip? Want to pass comprehensive immigration reform? Yeah, just a little sip? Just a little water bottle?

Most applicable gif:

What happens when you Google him:

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DEMOCRATS

Hillary Clinton

Nickname: “Madame President”

Why: She is both the president and a woman.

Why she’ll win: She will use knives, guns, poison or other weapons to bring death upon any person who runs against her, campaigns against or considers voting against her.

Why she won’t win: Excuse me? Is this fucking implying that she may not win? Would you like a chance to rephrase? We’ll wait.

Most applicable gif:

Favorite place: Beyonce.

What happens when you Google her:

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Joe Biden

Nickname: “Oh Good, Someone Did Remember To Invite Your Uncle Joe. Great.”

Why: Yes, we’re so glad you could make it. Ohh, still a little handsy are we? Okay, Uncle Joe, let’s just get you something to eat.

Why he’ll win: Bill Clinton is still alive and there are still women in their 20’s that he will likely meet before the 2016 election.

Why he won’t win: But Mr. Vice President, what about your gaffes?!

Most applicable gif:

Favorite year: 1946.

What happens when you Google him:

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Elizabeth Warren

Nickname: “Robin Up In This Hood!”

Why: It’s like Robin Hood, but with more credibility on the streets.

Why she’ll win: Americans love being lectured about the detailed intricacies of America’s financial systems.

Why she won’t: She’s the second most popular liberal woman with a short haircut from the Northeast in the Democratic Primary.

Most applicable gif:

Favorite type of money: Someone else’s.

What happens when you Google her:

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Andrew Cuomo

Nickname: “Mario Cuomo”

Why: What’s it to you anyway?

Why he’ll win: Now you listen here buddy, you’re gonna go into that voting booth and you’re gonna pull the lever for Andrew Cuomo, alright? But they don’t even use levers anym– Did I not make myself clear? Perhaps you need a little persuasion? No, no I understand. I promise I understand. Okay, I’m just gonna go right ahead and pull that lever, okay? That’s better. Just go on ahead now.

Why he won’t win: But on the other hand he’s at like 2% in the polls haha.

Most applicable gif:

Favorite element on the periodic table: Cesium.

What happens when you Google him:

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