Hillary Clinton’s New Years Resolutions
Following the release of the latest crop of emails obtained from Hillary Clinton’s personal email account, National Ave has obtained the 2016 presidential candidates list of resolutions for the new year:
– Find ISIS, destroy them
– Stop twerking on daytime talk shows
– Siri, how do you remove scowl marks?
– Finally get around to updating LinkedIn profile
– Find David Axelrod, destroy him
– Affirm the shit out my girlfriends
– Write, direct, and star in a Netflix Original Series about the Vince Foster incident, which, holy shit have you done a deep dive on that thing?
– Slap around a communications intern a little bit each time they say “hack.”
– Hit the gym three times a week, until all body fat and responsibility for four American lives at Benghazi is dissolved.
– Find a more sympathetic operating system for her brain
– Convince Bill to teach her how to play “Hide the Pickle”
– Get less bad at the “Whip/Nae Nae”
– Never have gone to Donald Trump’s third wedding
– Start going by Hillary Rodham again just to see if you can get a Fox News host to spontaneously combust.