What your Halloween costume says about your candicacy for the presidential nomination
You already have your Halloween costume picked out, but you’re not quite sure which 2016 presidential candidate that means you are. Let’s find out!
You’re always about a year late to the most popular Halloween costumes. In 2013, you were the Harlem Shake. This year, you’ve got an excellent Ebola patient costume lined up. You might be Hillary Clinton, and you’re going to snapchat the hell out of this Halloween.
You dressed up as fireman and told everyone you were trying to get their endorsement, but really you just wanted to show off that smoking dadbod. You wanted to go as Netflix and chill but your kids wouldn’t let you. You might be Martin O’Malley, and even the people dressed as characters from The Wire aren’t sure who you are.
You’re Robin Hood, just as you’ve been every Halloween for the last 25 years. You don’t get why people keep suggesting you dress as the dead guy from Weekend At Bernie’s. You might be Bernie Sanders, and one year you tried to dress as Doc from Back To The Future but your wife told you it was a little too real.
You tried to get away with wearing an Indian headdress by claiming it was part of your heritage. You like to trick-or-treat at the rich people’s houses, and then give out the king size candy bars to your peeps. You might be Elizabeth Warren, and half of the people at this party are pretty bummed you didn’t show up, while the other half are secretly happy.
You still can’t commit to whether or not you’ll be dressing up for Halloween. You told all your friends you wouldn’t be, but you make sure to dress up pretty fancy, just in case you change your mind and decide to do Halloween at the last second and need to make up a costume on the spot, like that you’re Clark Kent or something. You might be Joe Biden, and you’re the only person in your friend group who thinks of yourself as the Clark Kent of your friend group.
You like to dress up as a politician for Halloween. You only got Almond Joys at every house you trick-or-treated at, and you know what, you probably like them too. You might be Lincoln Chafee, and even though you left the party a few hours ago nobody noticed until now.
Your dad still takes you trick-or-treating, and everybody keeps mistaking you for your bigger brother. You can never quite settle on a costume — conservative hardliner? educated moderate with a diverse appeal? baseball player? — but everybody keeps telling you that your costume is the best, even if they don’t seem that excited about it. You might be Jeb Bush, and maybe this time you’ll get invited to play Smash Bros with your brother and his friends later tonight.
You think it’s hilarious to wear a stethoscope and constantly repeat the phrase “Trust me, I’m a doctor.” You always seem so quiet in the corner, but can actually get pretty crazy once you get going. You might be Ben Carson, even though nobody can remember who invited you in the first place.
You are going to get absolutely trashed and start shouting at people this Halloween, and you’re not sure why anyone would expect anything less. You were Fat Guy In A Little Coat last year but ended up punching a guy who guessed what you were too quickly. You might be Chris Christie, and it’s not fucking funny when people blame you for long lines at the punch bowl.
It was endearing when you first dressed up as a cowboy when you were young, but it’s getting old by now. At this point people really just want you to stop calling them “pard’ner” or “socialistic baby murderers.” You might be Ted Cruz, and the cowboy boots with the suit pants aren’t nearly as good of a look on you as you think they are.
Just because you drove your family’s lemonade stand business into the ground as a child doesn’t mean you can’t dress up as a businesswoman this Halloween. You told Ashley her costume was super cute but actually you think it’s hideous and you’ve made sure everyone knows it. You might be Carly Fiorina, and you’re scaring me.
You came to this party stag, but gosh-darnit you’re here to have some good old-fashioned fun! You think it’s funny when people dress up as Arabs, but also a little too scary. You might be Lindsey Graham, and you’re dressed as a spooky ghost this year!
Oh wait, the overalls and straw hat weren’t a costume? You must be Mike Huckabee.
You tried to wear something skanky, but you just look cold and sad tramping through downtown Des Moines. You might be Bobby Jindal, and you shouldn’t keep going through all this just to try to fit into a friend group that’s never going to like you anyways.
You’re dressing up as a mailman in honor of your father, the mailman. Everybody keeps saying how great your costume is, but that this year just isn’t the time for costumes like yours. You might be John Kasich, and it probably won’t ever be your time again.
You might be George Pataki. Honestly, you might be. Who the hell is George Pataki? Are you George Pataki?
You’ve dressed up as a different founding father every Halloween since you were 5. You pretend it doesn’t bother you that Ben Carson has a corner on the “dressing up as a doctor” market, and you’re furious that Obamacare encroaches on your personal liberty to eat as many Baby Ruth bars as you damn well please. You might be Rand Paul, and you’re seriously considering dressing up as Kim Davis for Halloween.
You dressed up as a water bottle again because you are OWNING IT. Your older friend invited you trick-or-treating last year and that was nice of him, but you made all his friends like you better than him and now you guys aren’t inviting him with this year. You might be Marco Rubio.
You will not stop going trick-or-treating until the day you die. You will throw on a sweater, say you’re Ned Flanders, and demand one king size 100 Grand bar from each and every house in Iowa. You might be Rick Santorum, and no this isn’t getting sad, thank you very much.
You have the sexiest costume on the whole block, and everybody in the neighborhood knows it. Especially because you keep reminding them. You openly mock other trick-or-treaters, you’ve made your date wear the Princess Leia slave costume on more than one occasion, and you take more than one piece of candy from houses with “please take one” signs next to their bowls of treats. You might be Donald Trump, and it’s time for you to leave.