Why I’m Running for President
If there’s one thing we don’t need in 2016, it’s a coronation. With our nation standing at a pivotal crossroads, more than ever we need a healthy and vigorous debate about the Great Issues of our time. Hillary Clinton may be well-qualified, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t answer the tough questions and face a serious challenge.
But since it looks like instead we’re gonna get Lincoln Chafee, I’ve decided to take action myself. That’s why today I’d like to announce my candidacy for President of the United States on the following platform:
- Actors aren’t allowed to be in more than one movie in their career cause it can get confusing for the audience.
- Kim K really needs to be more transparent about when she’s posting a photoshopped pic on Insta.
- A full federal investigation into what mayo actually is and whether it’s really *that* bad for you.
- Someone needs to water my plant for me.
- The only type of conversion therapy that will be legal is for converting people who talk really loudly on the phone during my morning commute into people who do not do that thing.
- Sia has to show us what she looks like cause the people want to know.
- Make babies be better at economics.
- I don’t get why people take pictures of their elbows folded to look like butts. I’m not asking anyone to explain it to me, I just honestly don’t get the appeal. It’s not a real butt. It’s an elbow butt.
- The next iPhone has to have a feature that just tells me to put more cheese on my food like “do it, you won’t regret it, more.”
- Restaurants aren’t allowed to sell chicken pot pie anymore it’s gross.
- If a man can marry another man then why can’t a man marry a brand like the founders intended?
- The drinking age is gonna be like 7 now but only if you people can be chill about it. Like, we can do this if everyone just makes fucking good choices, ok?
- More fluoride in the water so I can stop brushing my teeth.
- Make Kris Bryant hang out with me more often.
- Tidal has to fucking stop it.
- If you start a sentence with, “Actually you’re the real racist because,” a group of ninja monkeys comes down and duct tapes your mouth shut and ties you up and then I get to just glare at you for a while and mutter “You know what you did.”
- Make someone explain the difference between turquoise and teal to me.
- That one coworker who still makes jokes about The Dress has to stop.
- More #content.
- Stop asking for fun facts during icebreakers. It’s discriminatory against people who only have fun lies to share with the group.
- A commission devoted to gathering up all devices that have the non-Kendrick version of “Bad Blood” and putting them in a big pit in like Missouri or something.
- My neighbor has to invite me over when she makes that one casserole that smells really good cause I know she’s just over there eating it and mocking me.
If these are the issues that speak to you, I encourage you join our campaign. Together, we can change the world.
[Note to the FEC: Please do not look into my campaign finances. I’m not doing anything illegal, it’s just really embarrassing how bad I am at managing my money and Mint keeps yelling at me.]