National Ave Exclusive: Donald Trump’s 100 Day Plan
As the country waits for President Obama to head back to Chicago and give an eloquent farewell address, we got a hold of President Elect Trump’s Diary, in which he states his plans for his first 100 Days as President:
I’m not actually writing to you today, I’m narrating, this is largely because small hands hurt quicker, and I can’t write. If I could I’d use the best words and write the longest novels, believe me.
I’m finally about to be sworn in as President, gonna replace that loser, and many people are wondering what I’ll do. Well, so am I. Here’s what I think my first 100 days will look like. This isn’t in order, because again that’s hard.
I want to call my friend Vladimir and tell him thank you.
Next, I’ll hold an intelligence briefing. The CIA can finally tell me if it’s legal to grab my daughter by the pussy while in the White House. Then I want to phone some blacks, let them know that they’re safe with me. I mean they’re not Mexicans for crying out loud.
There has to be one day reserved where Paul Ryan and I can just go laugh at poor people. I’m sure they’ll try to fight back, but they just won’t have the energy. Sad!
There’s a high chance that more hate crimes will be committed, in good fun of course. But then the liberal media will call on me to respond to it. Obviously I’ll say something like “oh that’s bad” but what the fuck did they think they were voting for?
I also want to make sure that we start building this wall as soon as possible. I sent a Western Union Money order to Enrique Penis Neato, but he hasn’t responded. I swear to God if that wall isn’t built I’ll stop all shipments of hot sauce, believe me. I make the best deals.
Call whoever handles deportations and tell them we need to get rid of Rosie O’Donnell. Let it send a sign to fat and ugly chicks across the country, your nasty rhetoric will no longer be tolerated.
Send the people a copy of my terrific healthcare plan, specifically highlighting the encouragement of frequent and free mammograms. Nobody hates breast cancer more than I do!
Find all the radical Muslims across America and tell them they’re not welcome. This will be easy since most of them support ISIS, I saw them supporting ISIS after 9/11 happened.
I will definitely punch GHYNA in the face – KAPOW!!
I want to make sure that money that was used for free lunches in city schools is moved to the military so people stop messing with us. My father told me that there’s no such thing as a free lunch, a great man like that cannot be wrong.
Find Tim Cook, tell him to stop being such a queerbag and start making Apple Macs in America again. Also teach me how to use iMovie so I can make a meme of Lyin Ted.
Lastly, just need to Make America Win. By that I mean spew enough bullshit to distract people from what’s truly happening when they’re fixated on my Tweets.