History’s Most Important Alternative Facts
This week, in an update of the “No way they said that shit” Presidency, Sean Spicer and Stepford Conway came out and started calling lies as Alternative Facts. Naturally, since a part of our nation decided to say “Fuck it” in November, we have to keep laughing so we don’t end up crying. So screw it, here’s some of history’s most important alternative facts:
1. Bill Clinton has been faithful since the Lewinsky incident. I can’t remember the last time Bill looked at another woman, can you?
2. Joe Flacco is elite. Also, Ray Lewis totally didn’t murder that guy.
3. _________________ is the only path to salvation. Don’t think this has ever been up for debate before.
4. Slavery was a benevolent institution — how often do you get a free trip from heathen Africa to God-fearing America? Also, the Civil War wasn’t about slavery, it was about States Rights.
5. George Bush won in 2000. We then had a super prosperous eight years and didn’t start wars to bankroll the Cheneys.
6. Ruben Studdard won American Idol. Umm is this dude dead? Someone should check.
7. Pro life doesn’t apply to refugees. Why didn’t they just pull themselves up by their bootstraps?
8. If you just take away insurance, people will take care of themselves. It helps that the dead can’t complain.
9. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s you.
10. GOP cared a lot about facts before this. Romney’s campaign never said “we won’t let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers.”
11. The alt-right are NOT Neo-Nazis. This is a different version of White Supremacy, besides, my best friend works for Goldman!
12. The Women’s March wasn’t needed since women are basically equal. Yeah you get 78 cents to the dollar but like it evens out with all the free drinks, right?
13. Isaac Newton totally fucked. That apple was actually a make-shift bong.
14. Kobe Bryant is actually super-clutch. Nothing says clutch like an effective FG % of 10% in important playoff moments.
15. Donald Trump cares about you and will fix your problems. The guy who puts his name on gaudy buildings is definitely looking out for you, he’s going to build a wall to keep all the automation out. Congratulations, you totally didn’t play yourself.