2016 presidential election candidates

An updated handicapping of the 2016 presidential candidates

April 14, 2015 / by , / 2 Comments

The 2016 presidential field is already as cluttered as the skeletons in John Edwards’ closet. We’re here to help you evaluate the pros and cons of the potential leaders of the free world.

REPUBLICANS

Ted Cruz

Nickname: “HE’S GOT A GUN, RUN.”

Why? LIKE I’M PRETTY SURE HE’S ARMED.

Why he’ll win: HE’S POINTING THE GUN AT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

Why he won’t win: OH GOD, HE PULLED THE TRIGGER.

Favorite noun: TEXAS.

Most applicable gif:

Rand Paul

Nickname: “I’m As Cool As My Dad, I Swear”

Why: I mean their names are practically the same and everything!

Why he’ll win: He has a Snapchat account.

Why he won’t win: He said my dick pics were “just okay.”

Favorite movie:  A 12-hour stage adaptation of Atlas Shrugged with lengthy musical interludes.

Most applicable gif:

Chris Christie

Nickname: “Big Fat Bully”

Why? Because he is a big person, his bodymass index is absolutely atrocious, and he has a very low level of concern for the wellbeing of other human beings.

Why he’ll win: Many Republican voters would like to win the White House in the 2016 election.

Why he won’t win: He touched the president. With his hand and everything.

Favorite color: Blue, probably #rino

Most applicable gif:

Jeb Bush

Nickname: “Oh For God’s Sake, Not Another One”

Why? 1988-1992, 2000-2008

Why he’ll win: When he was born his father had the foresight to keep him and raise him under the family name. Also he speaks Spanish.

Why he won’t win: Oh for God’s sake, not another one. Also he speaks Spanish.

Favorite airline: Spirit Airlines, probably

Most applicable gif:

Mike Huckabee

Nickname: “I <3 Huckabee”

Why: He’s never seen the movie and just thinks people are being nice.

Why he’ll win: As a candidate with a laser focus on abortion, morality and gay marriage, he’s the perfect spokesman as the Republican Party re-emphasizes its openness and economic message.

Why he won’t win: People honestly don’t seem to vote for him very much.

Favorite commandment: “Thou shalt only eat Subway”

Most applicable gif:

Marco Rubio

Nickname: “We’re Not All White!”

Why: Look guys, we’ve got one!!

Why he’ll win: The other candidates might not run.

Why he won’t win: Awwww, is Marco a widdle thirsty? Need some water? Want a sip? Want to pass comprehensive immigration reform? Yeah, just a little sip? Just a little water bottle?

Most applicable gif:

Rick Santorum

Nickname: “Santorum

Why: Quite a few people apparently don’t take too kindly to the suggestion that anal sex is akin to bestiality and undermines the very fabric of society.

Why he’ll win: If you’ve got the balls to liken Obamacare to apartheid during a Mandela tribute speech, then go for the big house fella.

Why he won’t win: Sweater vests are so 2012.

Favorite definition of marriage: Heterosexual, child-raising monogamy

Most applicable gif:

Rick Perry

Nickname: Crotch

Why: No wait but seriously.

Why he’ll win: Owns a laser-sighted .380 Ruger and isn’t afraid to use it, whether on a coyote or on the excesses of big government.

Why he won’t win: Can no longer carry concealed weapons following his indictment for abuse of power.

Not ashamed to admit: That he’s a Christian.

Most applicable gif:

Bobby Jindal

Nickname: “Hi, I’m Bobby Jindal.”

Why: “Her?”

Why he’ll win: He’s got the Duck Dynasty endorsement on lock.

Why he won’t win: “Wait, I’m sorry, who?”

Dream Job: Presumptive nominee for Health and Human Services.

Most applicable gif:

Carly Fiorina

Nickname: “I’m an accomplished woman, and Hillary Clinton is not.”

Why: Apparently getting fired from HP and the McCain campaign doesn’t count.

Why she’ll win: Printers come cheap. Toner’s where the real money is.

Why she won’t win: She’s a business woman trying to have it all. Crazy, right?!?

Favorite consumer electronic: The HP 10 Plus — Everything you want, for less!

Most applicable gif:

Ben Carson

Nickname: Toofer

Why: Because Dr. Carson made medical history by being the first surgeon to successfully separate two twins conjoined at the back of the head. Yeah, let’s go with that.

Why he’ll win: Wait… this could get interesting.

Why he won’t win: There are 49 states after Iowa.

Would run for President if: The Lord and/or Sean Hannity grabbed him by the collar and told him to do it.

Most applicable gif:

 


 

DEMOCRATS

Hillary Clinton

Nickname: “Madame President”

Why: She is both the president and a woman.

Why she’ll win: She will use knives, guns, poison or other weapons to bring death upon any person who runs against her, campaigns against or considers voting against her.

Why she won’t win: Excuse me? Is this fucking implying that she may not win? Would you like a chance to rephrase? We’ll wait.

Favorite place: Beyonce.

Most applicable gif:

Joe Biden

Nickname: “Oh Good, Someone Did Remember To Invite Your Uncle Joe. Great.”

Why: Yes, we’re so glad you could make it. Ohh, still a little handsy are we? Okay, Uncle Joe, let’s just get you something to eat.

Why he’ll win: Bill Clinton is still alive and there are still women in their 20’s that he will likely meet before the 2016 election.

Why he won’t win: But Mr. Vice President, what about your gaffes?!

Favorite year: 1946.

Most applicable gif:

Martin O’Malley

Nickname: “Tommy Carcetti”

Why: He’s a white politician who served as mayor of Baltimore before getting elected as Governor of Maryland.

Why he’ll win: You don’t fuck with B’more.

Why he won’t win: Most voters still strongly divided about Season 5 of The Wire.

Thinks Adnan is: Guilty #ToughOnCrime

Most applicable gif:

Jim Webb

Nickname: “Capt’n”

Why: GERONIMO GERONIMO DELTA COMPANY ENGAGE CHARLIE AT THE CITADEL I REPEAT ENGAGE ENGAGE!

Why he’ll win: He’s a smart, southern, Vietnam war hero who’s proven he can win in a red state.

Why he won’t win: Really more of the “prospective VP candidate” type.

Least favorite wars: Protracted and illusory quagmires that trap our military into an unwinnable counter-insurgency campaign.

Most applicable gif:

Lincoln Chafee

Nickname: “Blue Dog”

Why: Switched from Republican to Independent to Democrat within a decade.

Why he’ll win: No independent voter can resist that sexy Rhode Island accent.

Why he won’t win: Better suited as answer to Double Jeopardy question.

Favorite answer on a form: N/A

Most applicable gif:


 

INDEPENDENT

Bernard Sanders 

Nickname: Comrade

Why: Prescribes to a political theory that aims to establish a system characterized by social ownership of the means of production.

Why he’ll win: Bernie harkens back to the days of Eugene Debs, by far one of the most endearing figures of one the most vaunted periods in American social, economic, and political history.

Why he won’t win: AP US history = total snoozefest

Favorite way to distribute output: From each according to his ability, to each according to his need.

Most applicable gif: