Vice President Biden’s Coachella Police Report
It has been reported by several witnesses that Vice President and Ben & Jerry’s enthusiast Joe Biden spent an inordinate amount of time at this year’s Coachella fest trying to evade police and “getting more ass than a toilet seat.” Fortunately for the American public, his police record was released this morning and accounts for most of the happenings at Coachella:
8:47AM: Biden arrives with security detail. In one hand, Biden is holding a bottle of Colt 45 Malt Liquor, and the other hand is holding an actual Colt 45.
9:03 AM: Biden finds underage narcotics dealer, buys several sheets of acid and 4 pre-rolled joints. Biden reaches into pocket to find only a handful of condoms and a passport-sized photo of the Obama family dog. Biden then promises the 17 year-old UC Berkeley-bound boy that he would “erase all your fuckin’ loans, we do it for banks all the time, and you’re actually making people happy.”
10:00 AM: Biden takes his first hit of acid for the day, rips off his shirt to reveal a 15-year-old lax-pinnie bearing the logo of the Delaware Blue-Rocks, the state’s official minor league team. Biden then proceeds to leave several voicemail messages to the local Amtrak questions and concerns number, citing a severe lack of “bad bitches” on the trains.
11:02 AM: While incessantly shouting “Mitt Romney don’t pay no tax, Mitt Romney don’t pay no tax”, Biden approaches Ryan Hemsworth’s tour bus and asks where he can find “Thor Hemsworth and the gay one from Hunger Games.”
11:17 AM: Biden reveals he is carrying his own fog machine, which he apparently takes to every music festival and Congressional Hearing. The fog machine contains several traces of cocaine and a bumper sticker that says “Dukakis? I hardly knew her!”
1:22 PM: Biden, now having taken 3 hits of acid and consumed 7 corn dogs, begins circulating a petition to relocate the Cleveland Cavaliers to Dover, Delaware and re-name the team to the “Delaware Deep-Dickers” because “a team of me and LeBron would LITERALLY fuck this league.” It is at this time that Biden says he will declare for the NBA Draft upon his completion of the Vice Presidency.
2:05 PM: Biden passes out backstage at Alesso after flashing a group of innocent by-standers and repeatedly shouting “I got your Speaker Boehner right here”.
3:01 PM: Biden wakes up, flustered that he’s not currently seeing Drake perform, and starts yelling at Alesso “to clear the goddamn stage for Aubrey.”
3:07 PM: Clearly frustrated at Alesso’s continuing performance, Biden unplugs the speakers, takes the stage, holds Alesso by the neck, stares into his eyes and shotguns 6 cans of Dogfish Head 90-minute IPA. Alesso eventually faints and Biden continues the show by playing 15 different dubstep remixes of “Hail to the Chief,” which he conveniently has on his Blackberry in a folder named “20-motherfucking-16.”
4:05 PM: Biden’s set ends and he carries his fog machine to various tents in an attempt to create a dramatic entrance. He eventually ends up at an orgy of young Sudanese festival goers and is allowed in by promising them that they can all live in Minneapolis one day. He later amends his promise to St. Paul.
4:45 PM: Biden leaves the orgy tent along with other participants. He claims that there “is not a black light in the world that can handle what happened here” and proceeds to burn the tent with roman candles. Biden covers the ashes of the tent with a flag of Delaware and the lyrics to Justin Bieber’s “As Long as You Love Me.”
5:02 PM: To no avail, Biden tries to convince Aaron Carter to join him at Coachella.
5:07 PM: Biden starts soliciting several concertgoers to join his new Delaware militia, an organization that will also be called “Delaware Deep-Dickers.”
5:14 PM: Biden walks around stealing babies’ pacifiers. His motive is initially unknown but eventually he starts dipping the pacifiers in a vat of Everclear in an attempt to “Keep it buzzin’ like Aldrin.”
5:21 PM: Biden eats 3 whole pot-brownies. We are unaware as to how or where they were acquired.
5:45 PM: The THC starts to hit Biden and, after making several inappropriate sexual advances at a light pole he had mistaken for Nancy Pelosi, Biden falls asleep in front of the emergency medical tent.
7:15 PM: Biden wakes up in a high stupor, reinvigorated from his nap, and takes his final hit of acid.
7:23 PM: Biden orders a GoPro Drone off of Amazon Instant.
7:54 P.M: Biden’s new GoPro Drone arrives, which he aptly names the “Zero Dark Go Fuck Yourself” and flies over the Veterans Affairs tent in an attempt to invoke PTSD, claiming that “nothing gets your adrenaline flowin’ like remembering the crippling horrors of war.”
7:57 PM: Biden is requested to stop bothering the veterans. He apologizes and thanks them for their service to the country, then turns around and cackles to himself.
8:15 PM: Biden flies his Go-Pro Drone over Lil B’s performance, repeatedly making “Yo Momma” jokes while impersonating Wilmer Valderrama. He then shouts for Lil B to lift the curse on Kevin Durant so he can “finally get some rings and some bitches.”
Officer Comment: For the next 50 minutes, we have no idea about Biden’s whereabouts. There are rumors that he took his fog machine and a group of Arizona State University Tri-Delts to a nearby Amtrak station, but these rumors are largely unsubstantiated.
9:05 PM: Biden starts a mosh pit before Drake takes the stage and starts rapping “Worst Behavior.” He repeatedly states the line “Muh Fucka neva loved us”, eventually breaking down into tears and stating that President Obama and the Democratic Party at large don’t appreciate his efforts.
9:08 PM: Biden snorts a line of Claritin allergy medicine in an attempt to stop crying. He then begins rapping “We Made It,” including the n-word. The crowd around him is too afraid to question anything and lets him proceed.
9:30 PM: Drake performs “Marvin’s Room.” Biden proceeds to call several ex-girlfriends, only to find out that most of them are deceased. In multiple cases, he inquires about “the deal” with his ex-girlfriends’ daughters.
9:50 PM: When Madonna makes out with Drake, Biden starts to profusely vomit on people around him and states, “this is disgusting, that coochie is so old it makes Samuel L. Jackson look like Jaden Smith.”
10:21 PM: As Drake begins the line “Runnin through the 6 with my woes,” over 15 lbs. of illegal Chinese Fireworks are shot into the air. The fireworks message reads, “Biden/Pacquiao 2016.” 30 people are injured, including Biden himself. The Vice President is promptly arrested.
All that was left of Biden’s belongings was the photo of the Obama Family Dog and a condom wrapper that said “Joe’s Pleasure Power Hour.”