Right in his goddamn smug jaw

10 Things I Would Do to Punch Ted Cruz in the Fucking Face

March 01, 2016 / by / 0 Comment

We’ve always been told that if you dream enough about your goals and are willing to make sacrifices, then you can accomplish said goals.

America, my goals are no different: I want to punch Ted Cruz in the fucking face, and I’m willing to make some great sacrifices in order to do so.

Cruz easily has one of the more punchable faces in all of history; in fact I’m getting sick just thinking about OH GOD, I JUST VOMITED EVERYWHERE. I’m sitting in my own filth as I write this, because I so passionately want to punch Ted Cruz. Here’s what I would do to punch Teddy:

  1. Sit in my own vomit as I write. I’m doing this now, it smells and feels awful, my dog just passed out and my neighbor called the cops because he was so concerned. Doesn’t matter, it was worth it since I’m one step closer to punching Cruz.
  2. Canvass for Trump. Cruz and Trump aren’t that different — their views actually align more often than not — but Cruz’s face is just so much more goddamn punchable that I would knock on everyone’s door trying to Make America a Feifdom Again.
  3. Pretend to enjoy Coldplay. Coldplay is the musical version of that girl who takes photos with African children during her global health internship. I’ll sit through the “omg this summer totally changed my life” bullshit if me and this Kevin-Malone-from-The-Office-looking mother fucker can go toe to toe.
  4. Re-Watch Avatar. Avatar sucks and if you disagree I’ll fucking punch you and Cruz at the same time.
  5. Eat Arby’s for a month straight. Trying to read the ingredients in Arby’s menu is like trying to understand Rich Homie Quan the first time you listen to his song, you’re full of shit if you act like you know what’s going on. Coincidentally, if you eat Arby’s you’re also literally full of shit. Even Shrek made a joke about Arby’s and he ate his own boogers.
  6. Join TIDAL. TIDAL is the app equivalent of the PETA rep on your campus, you both know what he’s asking of you is unreasonable and stupid but he still won’t shut the fuck up. It’s fine though, I’ll join Jay’s subpar “music experience” if after listening to some mixtapes I also get to listen to Ted Cruz crying as my fist meets his face.
  7. Only watch NBA games featuring James Harden. If watching Steph Curry is like watching art then watching Harden play is like watching a dog shit in your front yard and then he barks at you for having your yard there.
  8. Skip an entire season of Game of Thrones – I’ll sit through the shitty statuses as every beloved character dies and people spout awful theories about who’s coming back. I’ll even watch Cersei sacrifice Arya to resurrect Joffrey if it means that I get to be The Mountain to Cruz’s Oberyn. If that was a spoiler for you then you need to get your fucking life together and watch this beautiful goddamn show.
  9. Drink warm Natty Light for a week straight. Joke’s on you, warm natty light is my favorite drink of all time.
  10. Grow a mustache and move to Arizona without any legal form of ID. I’d rather have myself deported than give Ted Cruz the self-satisfaction. THEN BAM I SNEAK ACROSS OUR JOKE OF A BORDER AND PUNCH CRUZ IN THE FACE.