How will Trump pay for his Mexican wall?

How will the GOP solve its Mexican Wall problem?

April 17, 2015 / by / 2 Comments

As the fiscally responsible Gay Old Party (I think that’s what it stands for, or something like that) pushes forward on spending $14 Billion of tax-payer’s money on building a wall (ask the Chinese how well this fucking idea works) one has to wonder about the logistics of this reverse Statue of Liberty which has so emboldened the angry tangerine in D.C. The most important question now is – who will build it?

Americorps volunteers live largely off Ramen, so they don’t have the energy for heavy lifting. The Peace Corps are mostly in countries that are no longer allowed into the U.S. because of another executive order. That leaves just one group of cheap labor that can do undertake this magnificently racist task – the Mexicans.

However, after the Mexicans build this wall for less money and more hours than their American counterparts, we have to wonder how we’ll get them to leave. Since we’re going to spend all of the country’s money on this goddamn atrocity, we’ll have to get creative here.

1. Human Catapult.
Is there a method that screams “Republican” more than both advocating both torture and humiliation of poor minorities? Honestly, I think Sean Hannity just came while reading this recommendation.

2. Tell them we’re assembling a Night’s Watch.
You know nothing, Juan Snow.

3. MAKE MEXICO PAY FOR IT.
Ugh, they have to hold up their end of the bargain at some point. Do you know how expensive a Mexican Coke will be after this?

4. Get the Mexicans to also build a tunnel.
This way when the wall is done they’ll be able to crawl through the tunnel to get to the other side. After that we’ll just put a giant door to block the tunnel. Wait, how will we pay for that door? Fuck it, this is a problem for future America to worry about. THIS IS HOW WE KEEP WINNING.

5. Dump the Laborers into the gulf.
This is also known as the Steve Bannon specialty because you’ll get rid of some minorities and after they’ve contracted hypothermia it’s OK because we’ve already taken away their healthcare. THIS IS HOW WE KEEP WINNING.

6. Go on a media campaign and say “Mexicans hate Taylor Swift,”
There’s few things that get white people riled up as much as showing Taylor Swift in the victim role. Taylor will then make a hit song that uses just enough Spanish phrases so sorority girls can misappropriate culture during Spring Break and Cinco De Mayo. THIS IS HOW WE KEEP WINNING.

7. Have Jeff Sessions go up to every Mexican and ask “You Lost Boy?”
This has literally been his fucking dream for literally ever. The GOP voted him in as Confederate General (let’s not mince words) so he’s eventually going to do what he wants anyways, right?

8. Get Russia to plant some fake news about immigrants.
Hmmm *Insert thinking face emoji*

9. Have Kellyanne Conway follow them.
I’m pretty sure the girl from The Exorcist is based off Conway. If I’m in a dark alley I’ll trust Ray Lewis wearing a white suit before I trust Kellyanne.


  • avalon

    Modern Journalism, just say something snarky about Swift and it will get Hit$ & Clicks! Its funny that people mock Swift by saying Swifts fans are 11 year old girls but so called political “journalists” who are 30 year’s older than her supposed demographic use her name in political think pieces?

  • birdman

    This seems like it was written by a high schooler.