Five suggested candidates to replace Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court
While human bullfrog Mitch McConnell backtracks on his assertive statement that the Supreme Court vacancy left by Justice Antonin Scalia should not be filled until a new president is elected, Barack Obama has been busy trying to think of replacements for Scalia in his lame duck period of the presidency, or as Biden calls it, the “fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you” stage. Here are our suggestions of potential nominees to replace Scalia:
- Keith Ellison – this is low hanging fruit. Ellison is a black Muslim, which is already enough to make Scalia roll over in his grave. Beyond the characteristics that are frankly irrelevant to one’s appointment, Ellison is also very pro-choice and was super critical of the Bush administration, which are two big GOP no-no’s. What’s more, Ellison’s appointment would also force Clarence Thomas to work with other black people, something he’s spent a lifetime trying to avoid.
- Pretty much any gay attorney – Literally anybody who identifies as gay and has a J.D. would be an excellent addition to the court. In Lawrence v. Texas‘ decision to strike down Texas’ anti-sodomy laws, Scalia wrote a dissent calling the majority ruling, “The product of a Court, which is the product of a law-profession culture, that has largely signed on to the so-called homosexual agenda, by which I mean the agenda promoted by some homosexual activists directed at eliminating the moral opprobrium that has traditionally attached to homosexual conduct.” Another time, in 2015, Scalia’s viewed the court ruling in favor of gay marriage as a “threat to American democracy.” Therefore, nothing would be sweeter poetic justice against Scalia’s bigotry than a gay attorney whose daily planner is technically a homosexual agenda.
- John McCain – McCain is actually a Republican hero. While the rest of the party continues to engage in a contest of who hates underserved groups more, McCain has repeatedly tried to reach across the aisle and work with people who have differing opinions. He also has repeatedly spoken out against torture and if there’s anything Scalia loved more than a 1789 interpretation of the Constitution, it’s some yummy yummy torture. Some good old fashioned waterboarding, mixed with a little bit of psychological disruption and anti-immigrant rhetoric was like watching The Constitution come to life for Scalia. So fuck it, let’s see McConnell try to hold up a McCain nomination.
- Al Gore – If Scalia’s second biggest hater is a transsexual anti-gun advocate living off Medicaid in a major city, then his number one hater has to be Al Gore. The former internet inventor, vice president, and technically publicly elected President is easily Scalia’s arch nemesis. Gore thought he would be moving into the White House. Instead he ended up becoming a South Park caricature and making the Whole Foods version of a documentary. Gore is technically not a lawyer, but this list is technically not real.