Guaranteed to obliterate you faster than Lindsey Graham's dwindling presidential viability.

The Official 2016 GOP Debate Drinking Game

August 06, 2015 / by , , / 3 Comments

In case pre-gaming the first Republican presidential debate during the 5pm happy hour round kids table isn’t enough, here’s our official 2016 GOP Debate drinking game rules, guaranteed to obliterate you faster than Lindsey Graham’s dwindling presidential viability:

Take a sip of your drink any time…

  • Donald Trump tells everybody how great Donald Trump is.
  • Ben Carson says something that sounds reasonable enough until you actually let the words sink in.
  • Jeb Bush talks about 4% growth, but you’re not sure he’s not just selling a male enhancement pill.
  • Chris Christie begins talking and your mind inevitably wanders to that time he jubilantly hugged Jerry Jones.
  • John Kasich makes an awkward comment about being in his home state.
  • Donald Trump gives the classiest, most luxurious answer you’ve ever heard.
  • Anyone mentions Cuba, Cubans, Fidel/Raul Castro, or Cuba Gooding Jr.
    • Drink twice if it’s Marco Rubio
    • Drink three times if the mention of Cuba Gooding Jr. is directed at Ben Carson.
  • Any of the candidates blatantly flirt with Megyn Kelly.
  • A passing reference is made to Carly Fiorina and all the candidates break into a bout of uproarious laughter.
  • A hooded, bearded Mitt Romney sitting inconspicuously in the back row of the audience quietly leaves halfway through the debate after the fourth significant gaffe.
  • Donald Trump begins making a point, but after 20 seconds everyone realizes he’s just reciting the lyrics of “My Dick” by Mickey Avalon.
  • Chris Christie looks winded.
  • Rand Paul says, “When I’m president…” and everyone in the audience averts eye contact.
  • Everyone stares at Ben Carson during the question about race relations.

Finish your drink whenever…

  • A candidate visibly rolls his eyes after being asked to address Donald Trump.
  • Rand Paul destroys his podium with a chainsaw to make some sort of point.
  • Scott Walker brings out a teacher and just kind of yells at her for a few minutes.
  • Donald Trump asks any of the other candidates/moderators why they’re such a fuccboi.
  • A candidate links Benghazi to Planned Parenthood.
  • Donald Trump tells Mike Huckabee he much prefers religious prophets who didn’t get arrested by the Romans.
  • Donald Trump instructs every member of the audience to look under their seat, where they’ll find a brand new copy of the international bestseller, “The Art of the Deal” by Donald J. Trump.
  • Any candidate calls Ben Carson “urban” then fills the awkward silence that follows by humming “Swing Low Sweet Chariot.”

Take a shot if…

  • Any of the moderators ask Jeb about his brother’s presidency or policies.
  • Ted Cruz utters the phrase “Washington Cartel.”
  • Marco Rubio takes a shot to prove how young and fun he is.
  • Ben Carson starts performing brain surgery on Donald Trump and finds that there’s nothing but early 2000’s copies of Maxim in there.
  • “Oops.”
  • Dozens of cockroaches crawl out of Mike Huckabee’s eyes.
  • Anybody uses the phrase “all lives matter.” Ignore the broader implications of taking a ‘shot.’
  • “Hitlery Clinton.”
  • “I’m not ashamed of [insert thing candidate should be deeply ashamed of].”

Finish your drink, get yourself another, finish that one, smoke a pack of Marlboros (thanks Obamacare) and do a body shot of tequila off of your gay neighbor’s pastor at their wedding every time…

  • Ted Cruz shoots himself in the heart to “be one with the gun.”

Drink everything in sight if…

  • The camera cuts to Rick Perry on a boat listening to the debate over the radio, a la Shane Falco in The Replacements.