Let us joyfully celebrate the 1-year anniversary of Marco Rubio beaning a toddler in the head with a football

August 18, 2016 / by / 0 Comment

It’s hard to put into words how strange the 2016 election season has been.

At times, it has seemed like the only thing off-limits is traditional campaign activity. But of all the bizarre, Twilight Zone-esque things to happen, none has surpassed the time Marco Rubio domed an infant with a football.

In many ways, this throw by Rubio ended up being something of a microcosm of his own ill-fated campaign. He had the right fundamentals and pretty solid execution throughout, but made one fatal miscalculation: thinking a six-year-old could catch a football (AKA thinking far-right voters would pick the moderate candidate with relevant experience and knowledge). Instead, they chose Trump, who fake-throws the ball and watches as voters run around like dumb dogs looking for it, then when they come back empty-handed says something to the end of “Hillary and Obama stole your ball, and I’m going to get it back, and I’m going to throw it to you, and it’s going to be the greatest throw you’ll have ever seen.”

But that’s all beside the point. What really matters is that one year ago, when the Earth was in this exact position in orbit, Marco Rubio threw a great pass to a little kid, and it hit that little kid right in the fucking face, and that little kid dropped to the ground like he had just been shot with an elephant gun. We are all blessed to have witnessed that moment, and we should never forget it.