Exclusive: Special Menu for the Annual GOP Christmas Party
Welcome to the 161st annual GOP Christmas party!
Get in the mood to fight back against the War on Christmas and coalesce behind one establishment-backed candidate with our special themed menu:
Trump’s Tantalizing Two-Ticket-Tini
Make America Great Again with this delectable cocktail, made with our own house-distilled Open Carry Sherry. Best enjoyed over ice during a presidential election with no third party ballot.
Life Begins As Soon As There’s A Fertilized Egg…Nog
Who says you can’t have the right to life and the right to a delicious wintry drink? This rich, creamy beverage will put you in the holiday spirit, and it has enough brandy to knock your socks off, so please enjoy responsibly if you plan on driving over 100 miles to the nearest abortion clinic.
Rum and Koch
You didn’t think we’d leave out the most classic cocktail of them all, did you? Just don’t call it a Cuba Libre, because God knows Cuba isn’t very Libre right now, and won’t be any closer with Obama’s soft rapprochement policy.
Rubio’s Virgin Piña Coladas
Just because you’re underage dynamically youthful like fresh-faced Florida Senator Marco Rubio doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have tasty drinks, too! The tropical flavor will also remind you of Cuba, where Rubio — a Republican! — is from, or his parents, or someone in his family.
Christie’s Full-bodied IPA
A house-brewed beer with hints of citrus. It’s so bitter, you’d think its morning commute had just been made significantly longer by lane closures on the George Washington Bridge.
Kasich’s Kale Chips
Much like Kasich himself, we’re only keeping this item on the menu to maintain a faint appeal to pussies and centrists who seek healthy options.
Ben’s Famous Pita Chips and Hamas
No party is complete without Ben Carson’s renowned Hamas. His Hamas may not be homegrown, per se, but it is a classic Iranian recipe.
Refugees On A Log, Headed Back To Syria
This lighthearted spin on mom’s old afternoon favorite is a nice, light snack to get your evening started. Each serving consists of a piece of celery covered in peanut butter and between 60 and 70 raisins.
Iranian Nuclear Hot Wings
A uranium enrichment level of 3.67% isn’t only a threat to Israel — it’s a threat to your mouth! You can blame #NObama for your discomfort when your mouth is undergoing a nuclear holocaust after you eat these.
Roasted Duck That The Liberals Would Have Us Hunt With A Crossbow
It wouldn’t be a true Christmas party without a roasted duck! These ducks were hunted with rifles explicitly guaranteed in the Second Amendment of our constitution, and done so by the Republican Party Hunting Club, who asked us to remind you that former Vice President Dick Cheney is no longer its chairman.
You Can Pry This Gun Out Of My Cold, Dead Chicken Fingers
Not even Obama will make you get a background check to enjoy these hand-breaded, cooked-to-perfection chicken fingers. Don’t even bother locking them in your office, either — they’re so tasty, your kids will find a way to get their hands on it no matter what!
Chilean Sea Bass, Which Was No Harder To Procure Than Usual Because Sea Levels Aren’t Rising And Climate Change Is A Hoax
Served over rice.
Dr. Carson’s Rice Krispie Pyramids
The Ancient Egyptians used their Pyramids to store grains, but we took it a step further by putting rice AND marshmallows in ours! Once you try these delicious treats, not even Dr. Carson’s preeminent surgical skills — which, lest we forget, do indeed qualify him to be the leader of the free world — will be able to separate you from their gooey goodness.
Santorum’s Chocolate Mousse
You can’t go wrong with this classic dessert, which is named after Republican icon Rick Santorum but is, without a doubt, chocolate mousse, and not anything else.
Kentucky Klerk Kim’s Carrot Cake
In honor of the Supreme Court’s decision to strike down the gay marriage ban in June, we offer a special cake that, as God intended, has NO FRUITS! The only thing unnatural about this dessert is how scrumptious it tastes.
Daddy Bush’s Dessert Storm
This assortment of cookies and sweets will make you so happy, you’ll feel like you just witnessed the only moderately successful large-scale U.S. military operation in the last three decades. You won’t need night vision goggles either, because you’ll rest easy with a full stomach and a satisfied sweet tooth.