Eat A Literal Wheelbarrow Full of Dicks, Chris Christie
At this point, there’s basically nothing else to say. We’ve run through every possible point of discourse about conservative policy, we’ve seen a giant slate of terrible candidates argue about which is going to be more of an asshole if elected, and we’ve seen Chris Christie say “when I was a federal prosecutor” 7,500 literal times. Now that Christie has done the unthinkable and endorsed Donald Trump — someone he surely knows is a goddamn lunatic, but a lunatic who may offer Christie opportunities for personal advancement — there’s only one thing left worth saying.
Chris Christie, honestly just go collect several armfuls of dicks, put them in a receptacle of your choice (a wheelbarrow is a good place to start), and eat all of them.
Eat a million dicks, Governor Christie.
Look, nobody liked you to begin with. You’re crass and childish and generally a brown paper bag full of flaming turds. You’ve chosen Bon Jovi over Springsteen. You’ve cheered on the Dallas Cowboys, and shared intimate moments with Jerry Jones when the Cowboys won games. These are all shitty things, and we hate you for them.
But this? Fucking this?
It’s hard to imagine that anything in the course of human history has ever been so transparently self-interested and reckless as this endorsement. I mean, the stakes aren’t terribly high, since you didn’t have that much support to begin with (remember that time you had to drop out of the race because everyone hates your fucking face?), but you are literally throwing some votes at a person you openly have acknowledged is irresponsible and dangerous. Why? Because maybe, if he gets elected, he’ll give you a good position. I’m sure you’d love Attorney General, but if you don’t get that, you’re a shoo-in for Secretary of the Paunch at the very least.
It’s hard to overstate how important it is, Governor Christie, that you eat scores of dicks right now.
It’s imperative. It’s a matter of national security and cosmic poetry. It is possibly the only thing you can personally do to Make America Great Again.
Where are you to find so many dicks? Well, that’s hard to say. It falls more under your jurisdiction than mine, as you’re the one who has been such a steaming puddle of fresh dog semen that this task falls unto you. A good place to start might be your home state, New Jersey, which is brimming with dicks — although, to be fair, some of them are only in New Jersey because lane closures on the George Washington Bridge prevented them from getting to New York.
But I believe you can find enough dicks to fill a large wheelbarrow, and I am positive you can stomach all those dicks. It is your responsibility as an anthropomorphic, 300-pound taint to do so. So there’s no more to be said, Governor Christie.
Eat a literal wheelbarrow full of dicks.