Chris Christie Is Theon Greyjoy

March 02, 2016 / by / 0 Comment

George R.R. Martin himself has posited on multiple occasions that the best fiction has its basis in truth. Usually that fiction is an exaggerated depiction of the truth, but anyone who watched Donald Trump’s speech after winning seven states last night will tell you that real life has become about as gruesome and disturbing as your average episode of Game of Thrones. At the center of this horrid shitfulness is Chris Christie, the man who has made a tragicomic descent from presidential hopeful to universally disdained taintmuncher in just a matter of months. While it’s hard to determine whose story is more tragic, one can’t deny that Christie’s narrative mirrors that of Game of Thrones character Theon Greyjoy. Allow me to elaborate:


Theon Greyjoy hails from the Iron Islands, a fairly shit area of Westeros which struggles to compete economically but considers itself powerful and relevant anyway because most people who live there are dicks. Chris Christie is from New Jersey, the Iron Islands of the United States.

Rise to Relevance

Both Theon and Christie rose to power on the coattails of those to whom they were loyal. Theon grew up in the Stark household and was essentially raised as a Stark, while Christie supported both the Bushes. Theon was rewarded by his stature as a respected figure in Winterfall, while Christie was rewarded by being appointed U.S. Attorney in New Jersey for six years. Note: By no means do I mean to compare the Bushes to the Starks. That would be delusional.

Failure to Command Respect or Demonstrate Leadership

Abandonment of Values in Pursuit of Power

This is where Chris Christie does the unthinkable and endorses Donald Trump, a motherfucking lunatic, for president. Theon Greyjoy burned a couple kids. I will not disclose which of those things I find more appalling.

Realization of Terrible Mistakes

If this is all true…

After Donald Trump carries out his plan of completely robbing Chris Christie of his humanity, he will cut Christie’s dick off, hunt him for sport, and call him Reek. We can all admit that would be sad, but a little bit funny. Then, Chris Christie will escape Donald Trump’s clutches with Trump’s involuntary wife/plaything, which I guess would be…Megyn Kelly?