Florida Man vs. GOP Lawmaker

February 26, 2015 / by / 2 Comments

He’s the most infamous man in the world. He’ll moon an IHOP after impersonating a cop. He’ll accuse holograms of abducting his wife. He is…Florida Man.

But as the legend of Florida Man has grown, an important question has arisen: Is Florida Man really the most batshit crazy specimen that we, as a nation, have to offer? Or is there some other entity of insanity lurking just below the surface, ready to usurp Florida Man’s title?

To answer that question, we present for your consideration…GOP Lawmaker.

Over the years, GOP Lawmaker has grown into a legitimate contender to take down Florida Man. Whether GOP Lawmaker is discussing the female body’s ability to shut down pregnancy or accusing immigrants of having cantaloupe-sized calves because of all the drugs they carry,1 GOP Lawmaker has proven able to give Florida Man a run for his money.

So, in an effort to find out who is truly the batshittiest of them all, I put these two legends to the test. Through thorough research, I’ve collected the ten craziest things that each Florida Man and GOP Lawmaker did in February alone. Now it’s time to go head-to-head:

     1. A Reproductive Showdown

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GOP Lawmaker: 6/10. This was looking like a pretty poor first attempt by GOP Lawmaker — after all, why phrase it as a question? If you think the mouth is connected to the uterus, say it loud and proud! — until I dug a little deeper and found that this guy sits on the board of a pregnancy crisis organization. That’s right, GOP Lawmaker is literally telling women what to do when they get pregnant without any sense of the biology behind female reproduction. Just imagine him manning the phones and asking, “Now, ma’am, is this pregnancy the result of blowjob or a smooshsmoosh?” Brilliant. Unfortunately for GOP Lawmaker, my digging also found that when it was explained that swallowing a camera wouldn’t work, he responded “that makes sense.” Not the kind of reaction we were looking for, so he’ll be knocked down to a six.

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Florida Man: 8/10. First off, shouts out to the Noles. Secondly, this is some phenomenal work by Florida Man. The premise, the execution, and even the accompanying photo (look at the shit-eating, err… jizz-smoking grin!) are all top-notch work. The only downside is that he agreed to do this for $68. $68! When $69 is literally one dollar away! A real unforced error there. Eight.

Winner: FLORIDA MAN.

     2. The Right to Bare Legs

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GOP Lawmaker: 8/10. Why, GOP Lawmaker? Why would you try to deprive us of yoga pants? Yoga pants are the first item of clothing in human history to be simultaneously attractive and comfortable. It was the best of both worlds. Men were happy. Women were happy. Literally everyone on the gender spectrum was happy. And then you had to come in here with this shit. It’s honestly crazy of you. In fact, it’s crazy enough to earn you an eight. Well done.

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Florida Man: 9/10. Okay, this one’s technically from January, but it’s just too good. God bless you, Florida Man, for all that you are. Let’s start with the basics here. If it wasn’t clear from the headline, Florida Man asked to borrow the cop’s gun in front of the police station. Florida Man didn’t even bring his own gun to a gunfight and was hoping the police could do him a solid! Then there’s his reasoning. As the local NBC affiliate put it: “The man told the officer he wanted to go exact payback on people who robbed him.” I think that’s as I close as I can get without using the man’s exact terminology. Finally, buried in the article is the delightful nugget that Florida Man was also arrested for possession of cocaine. He did all this while carrying a bag of coke with him! Excellent work, Florida Man. Nine.

Winner: FLORIDA MAN.

      3. A Deadly Dilemma

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GOP Lawmaker: 9/10. This is the best kind of GOP Lawmaker, because this is earnest GOP Lawmaker. GOP Lawmaker really believes that cancer is a fungus and it can be “flushed out.” Never mind that viruses get flushed out, not fungi. GOP Lawmaker knows people who have been cured of cancer through these methods and just wants to bring this miracle method to the people! GOP Lawmaker is trying to help! Good for you, GOP lawmaker! You’re goddamn nuts! Nine.

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Florida Man: 3/10. Not your best, Florida Man. Look, it’s impressive that you killed someone over the cost of one Black Forest Ham Footlong from Subway. Really, it is. But more violence has been waged over less. Literally no one has figured out what World War I was about, and it’s been 100 years! You had a clear motive ($5) and you took it too far. Nothing much to see here. Three.

Winner: GOP LAWMAKER.

      4. The Return

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GOP Lawmaker: 10/10. Well look who’s back again! That’s right, the exact same GOP Lawmaker is killing the game once more by not just propagating the wildly troubling theory that more guns could prevent college rape, but also referring to sexual assault victims as “hot little girls.” It’s like this whole thing is some sort of sick, twisted fantasy in GOP Lawmaker’s mind and the only thing missing is a firearm. For surpassing even our elevated expectations, and for being the only person on this list twice, GOP Lawmaker gets a ten.

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Florida Man: 9/10. You have to feel bad for Florida Man here– he ran into a buzzsaw (not literally, that would’ve earned him an 11/10). This is some of Florida Man’s best work and he’s going to come up with a loss. To be clear, what makes this case so wonderful is the believability and honesty of the whole thing. Florida Man doesn’t think he’s crazy. He’s not trying to be a national laughingstock. He’s just reacting honestly in the moment. He’s a drug dealer. That’s what he does. It’s who he is. And technically, telling the police that he was anything other than a drug dealer is lying to a police officer. Florida Man would never stoop that low. So good for you, Florida Man. Just not good enough. Nine.

Winner: GOP LAWMAKER.

     5. God vs. Greed

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GOP Lawmaker: 4/10. On its surface, this one’s just straight-up scary. After digging a little deeper, it’s still pretty much just scary. But it also opens up a mildly interesting debate about where religious freedom ends and where a society’s right to prevent harm to the innocent begins. And frankly, we’re not here for mildly interesting debates. GOP Lawmaker does get points for standing up for the rights of a small religious sect in rural Idaho over public health needs, but overall, this just doesn’t pass the test. Four.

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Florida Man: 6/10. This one was a real rollercoaster. First, I was happy to see Florida Man smashed the glass with his head — using his feet just would’ve been too easy — and I was thrilled when the headline implied he did it all for a single dollar. Reading further, however, I realized that Florida Man was actually attempting to steal $10,000. Heck, I’d slam my head through some glass for $10,000 in cold, hard cash. It looked at this point like Florida Man was doomed to defeat against weak competition. That’s when I found out that it wasn’t cold, hard cash that he was after; it was lotto tickets! And not just any lotto tickets: the scratch-off lottery tickets where you’re super excited when you win like four dollars. That was a nice save, Florida Man, and it earns you a six.

Winner: FLORIDA MAN.

     6. Getting Serious.

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GOP Lawmaker: 2/10. Again, GOP Lawmaker, not your best work here. Is there room for debate about the free speech rights of terrorists and the role that private companies should play in thwarting violent extremism? Absolutely. But not here. Not now. GOP Lawmaker gets a few points because I’m like 95% sure he’s never been on The Twitter, but that still yields him a sad two.

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Florida Man: 9/10. I-C-O-N-I-C. This one is up there with the best of them. It has the “only in Florida” factor: alligators! It has the “no but seriously, why?” factor: for a super bowl party! It has the “oh, sweet rich irony” factor: the University of Florida’s mascot is the gators! It truly, truly has it all. Even the mugshot is, in its own way, beautiful. The only reason this doesn’t earn a 10/10 is because he didn’t try to eat the gators’ faces off while they were alive. So nine it is.

Winner: FLORIDA MAN.

     7. Things Get Personal.

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GOP Lawmaker: 7/10. This shit’s just fucked up, GOP Lawmaker. Why are you like this? Why do you do this? What made you this way? Granted, that’s a decent setup for an origin story. But still, this is flat out rude. It’s crazy enough to get some points there, but what bumps this one up is that the source for this story is FOX NEWS. In other words, the most watered-down, sane-sounding version of this story that a headline writer could come up with was still about a lawmaker requesting that citizens take on vigilante duties to combat the all-powerful food stamp recipients. Decent work there, GOP Lawmaker. Seven.

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Florida Man: 8/10. THAT MUGSHOT. The story itself is good too, but not incredible. Who doesn’t have that one handsy uncle whose hugs linger too long or who’s always trying to snip off your foreskin? We’ve all been there. But the look on Florida Man’s face in his mugshot is truly special. Dude looks like he just smelled a stank but can’t figure out where it’s from and that’s what’s really bothering him. Like, who gives a shit that he’s facing prison for mutilating a toddler’s penis when that GODDAMN smell is back?! Eight.

Winner: FLORIDA MAN.

     8. A Real Pissing Match

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GOP Lawmaker: 8/10. The headline alone is mild enough, but when you dig into the article, it turns out that GOP Lawmaker is trying to cut funding for schools that offer AP US History because the class isn’t pro-America enough. That’s a pretty good start; somehow a class about the only nation to ever use atomic weapons on a civilian population center (twice) is portrayed as less than perfect and GOP Lawmaker is trying to stop this madness. What makes this even better is that this is in Oklahoma! That’s right, GOP Lawmaker is angry that children in Oklahoma — of “where the trail of tears ended” fame — may learn about mistakes made in our nation’s past. Terrific. Eight.

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Florida Man: 5/10. This one feels like it should be crazier, but there’s just a bit of the sense that this could’ve happened anywhere.2 He gets some points for doing it from a balcony, and the mugshot is alright, but that’s not enough to boost Florida Man above a five on this one.

Winner: GOP LAWMAKER

     9. [Honestly not the best round.]

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GOP Lawmaker: 4/10. I mean, it’s just straight up racist, right? That’s not all that fun or interesting. It’s just, like… racist. HOWEVER, the concept of a “crazy check” is fun! I want a crazy check! Does anyone know what crazy checks do? Do they like blast loud music when they’re cashed? Or make you hallucinate so that you believe the bank teller’s name is Jen and she is your soulmate when really her name is Erica and she is your ex-wife? Only GOP Lawmaker knows, and from what I can tell, he’s a bit too busy promoting completely unveiled racism to inform us right now. So, for inventing a new form of monetary payment, GOP Lawmaker earns a four.

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Florida Man: 3/10. Florida man is initially docked because the article isn’t even about him, and what kind of legendary hero isn’t even the focus of his own article? Things changed once I realized that the article is literally devoted to explaining why Florida Man’s advice for not getting a DUI are bullshit. Like, not only is Florida Man openly and proudly giving tips to get out of DUIs, but his tips don’t even work! Classic Florida Man! Still just a three though.

Winner: GOP LAWMAKER.

     10. But What about Sex with a Sleeping Dolphin?

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GOP Lawmaker: 9/10. Anytime you can get GOP Lawmaker talking about the definition of rape, it’s gonna be good.3 This time did not disappoint. Soon-to-be-divorced GOP Lawmaker wondered aloud whether having sex with a sleeping or unconscious spouse was really (legitimate) rape or if was more of a “blurred lines” scenario. It’s always interesting to see how GOP Lawmaker defines “asking for it,” and in this case it appears that “sleeping peacefully in her own bed” fits the bill. Again, the only reason GOP Lawmaker gets docked here is for phrasing this as a question. Nine.

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Florida Man: 10/10. Okay, there’s a lot going on here and it’s all incredible so let’s take a moment to break it down. First, this is another “only in Florida” feat: where else do you have enough contact with dolphins to sleep with them? Next, let’s just pause to praise Florida Man for getting a DOCUMENTARY made about this. Who thinks, “Well, I’ve been having sex with this marine animal, better get the camera crews down here”? Florida Man, that’s who! Consider also that he not only named his beastiality buddy, he chose to name her Dolly. The exact same name as Dolly the Sheep, perhaps the most famous animal on the planet. Maybe this whole thing was rooted in some sort of clone/sheep fetish? Finally, the kicker: Florida Man claims the dolphin seduced him! He’s the victim here! Florida Man, you’ve outdone yourself! Ten for you!

Winner: FLORIDA MAN.

So there you have it. By a narrow 6-4 margin, Florida Man pulls out the victory, proving that though GOP Lawmaker is doing his best, Florida Man is still the craziest mofo around.

 

[*Note: In the interest of fairness and journalism, we investigated whether the batshit nature of the news reports on Florida Man and GOP Lawmaker were unique. We found conclusively that they were. With the exception of one report about a Democrat who thinks Sherman should have done more damage on his infamous march to the sea, a search for “Democratic lawmaker” turned up mainly results about government committee assignments and Congressmen’s positions on bills. Searches for “California Man” and “New York Man” yielded primarily information about victims and suspects in crimes ranging from murder to hit-and-run to robbery.]