Minutes from Last Month’s Rent Summit
Roommate Meeting, 31 January 2014, 8:23pm
Meeting called to order by Josh Perkins, by means of abruptly turning off the PlayStation upon which roommate Dan Rodgers was playing, for the purposes of collecting this month’s rent.
Minutes taken by Ford Lisle, Josh’s downstairs neighbor.
Members not present:
Michael Casper-Williams (pre-arranged)
Josh calls the meeting to order.
Dan inquires as to “why the fuck” Josh is the one who gets to start the meeting.
Josh informs Dan that this isn’t what they’re there to talk about, so maybe he could stop acting like a five-year-old and just listen for once.
Dan inquires as to what necessitates Josh acting so similar to a device used to maintain proper hygiene within female genitalia.
Dan informs Josh that he was in the process of metaphorically thrusting himself into his opponent at the time of Josh’s termination of the Play Station’s power.
Josh enjoins Dan to contribute his portion of this month’s financial obligation towards rent.
Josh affirms that he is in great need of Dan’s payment, and that Dan is currently resembling a donkey’s posterior.
Dan offers some of his dank shit as collateral until he can get some things straight within the following weeks.
Josh rejects Dan’s initial proposal, suggesting that Dan’s shit, rather than being properly dank, is instead quite weak. Josh offers a counter-proposal that Dan cease and desist his incessant self-gratification and pay his debt.
Dan reminds Josh that it is Josh who in fact is in debt to Dan, because Dan totally took the fall and hooked up with that dog last Saturday night, therefore allowing Josh to pursue the more attractive friend (hereafter referred to as “That Biddy”) of the aforementioned dog.
Josh maintains that such arrangements were besides the point, although he concurs with Dan’s assessment regarding the sexual appeal of the dog, as he is pretty sure he heard That Biddy’s friend bark at several moments during the night.
Josh additionally entered into the record his conjecture that That Biddy’s friend spent much of her evening with Dan on all fours.
Josh and Dan fist bump.
Dan requests that a declaratory judgment viz a viz rent be postponed until after the two purchase enough beer to sustain them throughout their impending weekend.
Josh agrees such beverages are a necessity, but that now is not the time. Josh suggests instead that a more equitable arrangement would entail Dan paying his due, and maybe taking out the trash for once in his fucking life.
Dan “just wants to throw it out there” that roommate Michael Casper-Williams (in absentia) has yet to pay his cable bill from like three months ago, and also has been frequently dropping the ball as of late.
Josh answers in the affirmative.
Dan further indicts Michael for acting much like a penis shorter in length than it is wide, suggesting that Michael frequently drinks more than his fair share of the apartment’s beer and never soaks his skillet after preparing an egg or tomato-based dish.
Josh becomes visibly angry, and recalls that Michael was the reason why he could not enjoy the pleasures of That Biddy last weekend, since Michael apparently couldn’t find a single place to go for, like, an hour tops.
Dan offers that it would be prudent to exact justice upon Michael, perhaps by using Michael’s scissors with the express intention of shearing the hair on their respective pubic mounds.
Josh accepts Dan’s offer.
Josh proposes a vote to have Michael pay an extra $200 a month for rent, as Michael’s parents are “fucking loaded,” and are really just wasting money by helping Michael but not them, like he’s ever going to do anything with his life.
Dan seconds Josh’s proposal for a vote, and notes that the roommates have achieved a quorum.
2 to 0, with one abstention, in favor of Michael paying an additional $200 a month for rent.
Meeting adjourned at 9:17pm